Absent father suddenly on the scene again

[user1499329659]

For 20 years I have been a single parent, bringing up my two girls who are now 19 and 21. The father left when i was six weeks pregnant with my second daughter. No Christmas/birthday contacts, never paid a penny in child maintenance. My eldest found his address last autumn as she was struggling financially at uni, and I couldn't help as i have never had money to spare. Now its as though he is SuperDad, I hardly see my girls, they spend loads of time with him, its as if i don't exist. I feel grief stricken, it is making me physically ill, and thoroughly depressed. I can't face the rest of my life feeling like this. Is there anyone who has had a similar experience, how did you handle it?

It may be that they are reestablishing the bond and are on a high with him at the moment. They are only around 20; at that age sometimes you don't think about your remaining parent and their feelings.

It has to hurt a lot - and make you insecure? - but almost certainly the glamour will wear off and they will come back to you, even if they still keep a relationship with him going. And when they get older, they'll realise that actually, he was a shit dad.

The real stuff, the solid stuff is with you. The love, care, wiping noses, handling teen tantrums - the true love is with you and for you. Give it time and they'll remember that.

But I don't see that you can't quietly say to them that you understand they want to get to know their father (and grit your teeth internally!) but not to forget you too. They are being a tad thoughtless, very understandably, but it's no bad thing to remind them that you still love them and would like to see them.

Also, give yourself some time alone to come to grips with the difficult feelings that are following on from their new connection to this man. Anger, betrayal, injustice, fear of losing them ... they have to be acknowledged or they won't go away.

But your daughters -will- come back to you. Nothing replaces a mum.