He isn't sorry. Maybe lighthearted?

[Avacadoinjury]

Married 14 years, 3 kids.

Briefly he came in quite drunk last night, and gave me a gobful of abuse about "fucking feminism bullshit" which I didn't understand, but it seemed to be triggered by my saying I was going to see some relatives on the weekend of his birthday.

I didn't argue back but emailed him with what he had said and how he had behaved, which he read this morning when he got into work.

He rang from work to test the water I think, and to tell me that he would be picking up my car from the garage where it was being fixed, and he has paid the bill which initially he said he'd give me half of.

So, I've come in tonight and he's stamping around as though i'm in the wrong! I think it's because I haven't mentioned him picking up and paying for the car.

I'm outraged that he's behaving like this when actually he owes me a really really big apology!

I'm not good at sulking but I don't know what to do now!

He was well out of order, but why are you spending his birthday with your relatives?

It was the only weekend we could all do, and his birthday is the Sunday, and I'll be back Sunday lunchtime. He could come with me, but his complaint is that I was only planning to take two of the kids so he didn't get the weekend "off."

Is he right?

I don't understand?

It was the only weekend you could all do in the whole year?!? Because his birthday is only once a year, I might be a bit upset my partner chose to socialise with relatives instead of having a lovely day out with me on my birthday.

Sorry, but really?

You want to spend half of his birthday (or two thirds of his birthday) with other people? And you didn't ASK him about this you TOLD him about this? He picked up YOUR car from the garage and paid for ALL the work on it (perhaps as his way of apologising for his drunken outburst) and you couldn't even MENTION that or thank him for it?

Methinks there's a lot more going on here...

On the facts as presented you are being somewhat uncaring and he sounds rather hurt.

Really? We are all grown ups and birthdays are celebrated but no one would actually have a strop if they 'only' got the afternoon of their birthday with family, would they? I often work my DHs birthday or he mine and that is fine. It gets deferred until a better day. And neither of us would expect that a birthday means a day 'off' with no children. I find that really odd. TBH I would expect anyone over the age of about 14 to be able to cope with not having the whole day slavishly devoted to it being their birthday...

And picking up and paying for the car sounds like he knows he said some awful things and is desperately trying to apologise without actually saying sorry. Which is fine. And I don't think you do have to give grateful thanks for a needed apology no.

I don't think he's in the wrong here, you're visiting people on his birthday, he's paid for the car....what is he supposed to be apologising for??

If he is hurt by your decision then he needs to communicate that like an adult and not in a drunken outburst.
He needs to apologise for how he behaved towards you.
You both need to sit down together as grown ups and discuss what is going on.