How can I afford to leave my DH?

[Thecatsmother17]

He is a drinker and completely takes me for granted. I never know when he will come home drunk or if he will come home at all. We've rowed for years and at times he has begged me to believe he will change. He never does. He veers between admitting he has a drink problem but " likes drinking" so doesn't want help, to denying and saying all blokes are like him.
He no longer apologises for his behaviour and instead focuses on my anger at him and says I have a problem. I spend my time in the bedroom and him in the living room. He even sleeps there most nights. I want out but the thing that's stopping me is finances. I just can't figure out how I would survive !
I earn £2k a month. Our mortgage is £1.5k. That's for a bog standard house. Rent on a similar property would be £2.5k or more. The only thing I could get cheaper would be a 1 bed flat and that would still be around £1k each month. It's not possible to move somewhere cheaper. We would have to move too far away from where I work.

Childcare for 2 children is a further £1.7k. So that's £3.2k before any other bills, food, travel etc. I looked into how much child maintenance I would get and it's £619.66 a month. My DH earns almost 4 grand a month and yet that is all he would have to give me?!?!

I feel completely trapped as there is no way I can see of making it work. How do women do it?

How much would you get if you sold your house?

Between 100-150k so my half would be 50-75k. Wouldn't last long if I was having to pay £2.5 in rent each month.

Cheaper child care? Au Pair? Housing association?

You earn though and he has to pay maintenance for the kids.

He sounds dreadful. Maybe pay a year in advance rent for a small reduction. Give you a chance to plan in peace?

Good luck, my horrid partner should be gone by the weekend and although it's scary I'm pretty excited tbh

Can you look for work elsewhere? i realise this may take time but it sounds like you just can't afford to live where you are.....

Sorry I skimmed the bit about finances. But still think paying a year's rent while you breathe is a plan.

Can you extend the term of the mortgage? Also, how young are the kids, you could get an agreement from him that he will continue to contribute as he does now until they are 18, then you could sell up at that point?

And surely the childcare would be his responsibility as much as yours?

Could you let a room in your house?

My job is London specific and they give me the flexibility to work around my kids childcare hours. I commute an hour already and any longer would mean cutting my hours and therefore pay and my travel costs would rise.

Selling the house is an option I will have to explore. I had hoped that DH would have to pay enough maintenance to cover the mortgage. It makes sense for us to continue living here as it's cheaper than renting and will mean the kids have some continuity. It seems crazy that he only had to contribute about £660 and gets to keep just over £3k to support himself.
I'm already using a cheap nursery. An au pair wouldn't be allowed to do the amount of hours I need.

Would you get any tax credits, in particular the childcare element?

If I moved both kids in together I'd only have a spare box room to let out. Can't see there being many takers. It's really not a big or fancy house it's just crazy SE property prices.

The mortgage term is already at its max as we borrowed to renovate the place. DH has only earned this well in the past year.

So DH would still be expected to pay towards childcare as well as maintenance? Could that be enforced? I'm not sure that I trust him to be fair.

I don't imagine I would be eligible for tax credits on my wage?

Though I had forgotten that I would become eligible for child benefit and a council tax reduction.

If you earn 2k and your childcare costs 1.7k are you sure it is worth you working? How much do you have left after tax, NI, transport? How old are your DC, will you benefit from the 15 or 30 free hours soon or will they start school? Things could get easier at that point. Perhaps you should get some proper financial advice from the CAB, you may find you are entitled to tax credits once separated from your H.

Havd a check Op, the online calculator takes a few minutes. I think the threashold is higher in regards to childcare costs.
Not 100% sure though.

I earn 2k after tax etc. Travel is £150 a month as I work from home sometimes.
Eldest child starts school in September so childcare bill will reduce by about £500 a month. I will still have to pay for wrap around Care. Youngest is too young for any funded hours.

I've just done a tax credit calculator online and it says I "could" get £760 a month in tax and child credits. Does that sound plausible? If that were actually the case then things would start to feel less impossible.

Could you sleep in the box room leaving you a larger room to rent out?

Yes, I just did a rough calculation based on your childcare and earnings and it came back similar. I didn't put anything for pension deductions so if you pay a reasonable amount into a pension it might even be more.

If you live in a 150 grand house but collectively earned 6grand a month that's seems a lot of disposable income - you should have good savings between the 2 of you surely ?

The house isn't worth 150k that's just the equity. DH has only quite recently been earning what he does and I've been on maternity leave so no savings really. A few grand which will cover a solicitor.

Ok breathe. You need proper advice. If you are sure you want to end your marriage then get some proper advice from the CAB about what you would be entitled to. With two kids and those astronomical childcare costs I would say yes as a lone parent I do think you will get tax credits but it will depend on your actual salary, not your take home (guessing around 30k is your actual ?) the child support won't be taken into account fit tax credits. You need to do this calmly and rationally. Good luck

If your DH earns 4 grand a month are you not getting child benefit? You can apply for this too as a lone parent

Actual salary is 35k.

I would prefer not to end my marriage but can't see any other way. On Monday he called from work and was hammered. Said he had only had 2 pints on an empty stomach. It was clearly more. He then decided to carry on drinking and rock up home at 8pm. Usually gets in just before 7. Claimed to have been " in a meeting" despite being clearly even more drunk than when I had spoken to him a few hours before. I also found pub receipts in his pocket for the exact time he was texting to claim an overunning meeting. This is the kind of shit I deal with once, twice or three times every week and have done for years now.

Have a look on this calculator. You may find you're better off not working for a time, depending on the age of your kids.

www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/startcalc.aspx

Well that site says I'm not entitled to any tax or child credits. 😫