If you were cheated on, please read this book!!!

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

chump of just over 2 years here, about to change my status to chump no more.

if you have been cheated on by your partner/spouse/whoever, i cannot recommend this book enough: "Leave a cheater, gain a life" by the Chump Lady, Tracy Shorn.

I wish I had read this a lot sooner after D-Day. I wish I had had all her pithy responses, and her reassurances and repeated declarations that it is not us who are at fault, that it is the cheaters lack of morals, empathy, caring. Love is not and cannot be betrayal. I felt under such a lot of pressure to try and work things out, especially with DS4 in the picture, and never really gave myself the option to say, it is alright to say i don't even want to try. i bought into his lame efforts and false apologies. She explains so well how we (the chumps) can so often get sucked into their narrative without being able to separate ourselves out and look at our wants and needs.

I think I tried for about a day before I realised there was no coming back from it.
Some relationships can work and even thrive after the revelation of an affair.
I'd like to see stats on that though.

i got stuck in the traps she described perfectly in her book. almost every word she wrote described exactly how i felt through the last couple years, and i was unable to process those feelings and respond to them.

I stayed.
I'm not sure it's good to give up so easily when you're feeling vulnerable.

user - i think chump lady has a point that much of the literature around affairs does push towards trying reconciliation first before deciding to leave. or trying reconciliation when you're not even sure what you want. this book gives you the LTB viewpoint essentially, and is good to read about the opposing side if you're wavering or feel pressured to stay.

I stayed. And oddly enough a year on & we're better & closer than we have ever been. I don't like to just give up on things without a fight & maybe that's why I get so hurt from various things in my life but I like to feel like I've tried before making the final decision. Only happened the once in 6 years but he knows that there won't be another chance.

Coconut - i am happy for you if you feel better now. My question is a) why should YOU have to fight, and b) did your partner fight as hard as you did? In my case, I allowed him to make ridiculous excuses for not making anywhere close to the same effort I was to reconcile.

I like Tracys page a lot. The only thing I would say is its very very USA dominated and hence the language and tone isnt quite the same as in the UK.

It didn't feel like I did all the fighting for us. I confronted him & told him if he wasn't honest with me then I would leave. He was honest & I think from that point I controlled the situation. I told him how I was feeling going through the stages of it & what he needed to do to make things work. All I needed was to see things change. We needed to work together on it & it took a while & we're still working on it. I didn't want to hear any more about it from the new year onwards & that's helped a lot.

Coconut - sounds like you had it under control in a way you were comfortable with and that your partner did his part.

i guess my discomfort with what you describe (unless i've got it wrong), is that i don't want to have to tell him everything he should do to make it up to me. i.e. he is fully capable of setting up counselling, or googling, how can i help my wife recover after an affair? or saying to himself, i shouldn't keep whining that my schedule is no longer private.

so yes, if you were satisfied with the changes you saw, the book is not for you. but if you are unsatisfied with the changes/reconciliation process and can't put your finger on why, especially if the cheater is minimizing and trying to turn things around on you, i think the book is really helpful to articulate why those feelings are happening and what are perfectly reasonable responses.

yetmorecrap - haven't read a lot on her page (again wish i had!!!), but what i have read also resonates with me. this one in particular lately: I can't remember.

I don't know if it's whether I'm satisfied with all of what you rightly pointed out, it's about moving on & working through something we had worked hard for already. I was a single parent before & I didn't want to be again because I threw that away over a one chance thing.

I haven't read the book but have referred to her site often. Shes great on debunking all the nonsense the cheaters spout. Some great stuff and I think cheating is pretty international so the US slant didnt bother me one bit.

I'm pleased it's helpful to some.
I suppose it all depends on the relationship in general.

Not all cheaters spout nonsense.
My DH didn't

yes, you are right.

this isn't as helpful for those who know exactly what they expect from their cheaters, or for those whose cheaters are genuinely remorseful.

it is definitely for those of us whose cheaters do try and play the manipulation game or want to avoid taking responsibility or aren't truly remorseful. as mumfun says, it explains a lot of the nonsense, and also why we fall for the nonsense.

"Leave a cheater, gain a life".

I must have read it about 4 times, it's excellent. Her website/forum is very good too.

chumplady.com