My friend is being abused by her husband, please can someone support me?

[topofthemorningtoyou]

I am terribly worried about a friend who has disclosed DV including regular sexual assault.

She has only just told me this. I am encouraging her to leave him. I think she is scared of him and also feels that she should stay together for the children. I have told her that the children are far, far better off without him there abusing her.

I know this sounds self-indulgent but this has really upset me as I am right in the middle of therapy for my own childhood physical and sexual abuse (she doesn't know this) and very fragile myself right now.

I also lost a childhood friend to DV so this is setting off all kinds of stuff for me.

I can't talk to anyone about her personal stuff and I don't have therapy until Friday. Just wanted to share somewhere safe.

I know how you feel, I'm in a very similar situation.

I have a friend who insists she "gives as good as she gets" yet she's the bruised one who he randomly kicks out in the middle of the night when he comes in drunk. I also lost a friend to DV and have experience of it myself.

It's not self indulgent to be upset by something that is upsetting

Beyond, thank you so much for replying.

He just sounds like an utter bastard. She says he is. He hasn't hit her for years apparently but did so in front of the DC when he did. It's the sexual assaults that are worrying me.

My mind can't stop running to worst case scenario. The abuser I knew in childhood killed a child. I can't get it out of my mind.

Well with your history I'm hardly surprised this has upset you.
It's hard, but your friend will only leave when she is ready.
I went through it with my sister and it's horrible when you can't really do anything other than be there when they are ready.
Have you given her the Womens Aid number?
That would be a good place for her to start.

Try to sit down and relax a bit yourself.
I really can't imagine what this must be like for you.
But here are some and a big (((((HUG)))))

Thank you hellsbells.

I will give her the Women's Aid number.

I have a terrible, terrible tendency to assume guilt/responsibility for everything. I mustn't allow myself to do that for this.

I am in the middle of going n/c with my abusive family and that is guilt inducing enough.

Is it worth me calling Women's Aid for advice do you think?

It is not your fault, just by being in her life you are doing what you can. I am not surprised your friend has made you feel so awful, could you try and do something nice for yourself?

Yes, definitely.

I'm so sorry for your friend.

She must really trust you to confide in you though.

Would you maybe try to get her to call WA and/or Rape Crisis?

She's probably so mixed up at the moment but it's OK to say it's too much to hear if she gives details. It doesn't make you a bad friend - you have to protect your mental health too.

Thank you, I need to catch her in person to tell her about WA - I am scared to text her anything now as she told me he checks her phone.

She is not originally from this country and probably won't be familiar with the support that is out there wrt WA and Rape Crisis. Those are both great suggestions, I will find a way to talk to her about them.

She hasn't been specific on the details, for me it's more just a great big reminder that abuse goes on behind closed doors and everything looks normal on the outside (which was my childhood).

You are a lovely friend. Hope all goes well for you

Thank you Rick, I gave her the number this morning and told her not to let him see it. That's all I can do for now I think until I can see her and speak properly again.