Differing Personalities - Advice?

[user1499252939]

Looking for some advice. My wife and I have been having some issues recently but I will keep these brief. We seem to have different personalities and this is causing a lot of issues and arguments. It is on the way we process feelings

If anything happens that causes conflict, my wife processes feelings very quickly and easily (and she has a very fiery temper which I accept comes with this). She is able to take in what is happening and come straight to her conclusions and feelings about the subject.

I process things in a completely different way. If anything happens, it takes me a while to take in this information and come to my conclusions. Sometimes this can take a few hours or days. I have seen instances when I only start to get upset hours after an event only once I have had time to process / think about it.

When we have conflict she is very quick to get angry because I 'should have said' or I 'could have said' or 'could have done' and after calming down she says things like 'all you should have said is xxxxxxx'. The problem I ham having with this is that she is into a temper even before I have had the chance to process my feelings about what has happened, meaning I rarely say the right thing, and feel utterly helpless to prevent these issues escalating to an argument.

I have tried explaining the above but she insists that I am just unwilling to learn and that there is something wrong with me, telling me my brain doesn't work..... I don't feel she understands properly.

I had a mental breakdown 2 months ago due to this and similar issues. She insists this is because I am 'pathetic' and 'weak' and still fully blames me for all I did, including confiding in my mother which is now causing further strain on extended family relationships.

Is there actually something wrong with me? I just think we are both normal but different, but I am now starting to doubt myself..........

Your wife quite frankly sounds abusive and not supportive in the least, you need to have a serious talk as to how her temper and reactions to disputes are have influenced an adverse effect on your mental state.

You aren't weak or pathetic at all so please don't feel that way or doubt yourself, of anyone deserves those words hurled at them its your wife.

Lastly you feel you're both normal but the way she behaves is not normal at all, do not allow that or accept it to be the status quo in your marriage.

I echo Sherlock

You need to get away from this🌞, she's toxic for you

She doesn't get to control who you confide in or the way you process feelings. Her anger sounds like the real issue here. Is she controlling?

Yes, her moods have been controlling in the past. This was a contributor to my mental breakdown.

I previously bottled up feelings, ideas, etc as I was too scared to bring them up with her due to not wanting her to go into a mood. An example is when I wanted to extend my business but she insisted that this should wait 'a couple of years' as she didn't want to risk any of our money (just a few thousand of our savings that we can afford). I wanted to do this to make myself more successful and provide a better life for my family, felt she was holding me back. I just did what she told me to keep the peace.

We seem to have worked through this and I now have a lot more freedom to make my own decisions. Although, there are a few changes I still want to make but for reasons of keeping the peace I have not raised these just yet.

I have done a lot of shouting, swearing, arguing, etc in the past and my own temper is not the best (never hit her, have only restrained her when she was lashing out) so I am not totally innocent. But after last night (original post) I managed to fully control my temper but she want straight back into her old ways. When moody, all she can say is hurtful things divorce, seperation, take away kids, etc, etc and I have to do all the making up and calm her down.

I just feel like I will never be good enough in her eyes. The most minor mistakes are made into the largest of arguments / moods.

She can't take away the kids.

Do you think that splitting and co-parenting would be better?

Do the kids see the arguments etc it sounds bloody awful if I'm honest and I would not restrain her that's not good. Walk away. Lock yourself in a room and call the police if necessary. Abuse of any kind is never ok.

Eh, I can understand her not wanting to risk thousands of pounds of savings. This is the kind of thing where if you disagree, one of you is going to end up unhappy with the decision.

If she's violent towards you and you consider her abusive, however, you should really try to take steps to leaving the relationship. It's not something you should try to work through, you should leave her.

I really don't want to down the separation / co-parenting route if I can help it........ but I realise that this may come to be the best option.....

We do not argue in front of the kids, always wait until they are in bed asleep. This can be awkward obviously but do it for the kids sake.

She is not violent towards me but she throws chairs / smashes plates / etc. The only time I have restrained her is when she has been damaging things in the house.

She is not violent towards me but she throws chairs / smashes plates / etc. The only time I have restrained her is when she has been damaging things in the house.

And the kids don't hear this, I am sure if not already they will soon realise that they are living in a toxic situation.

I honestly don't see anything changing, you can't work on something that is not fixable.

I have a few thoughts... One, your wife is emotionally abusive. Full stop. The way each of you handle conflict is so vastly different, I don't see any way you can come together, unless you have a LOT of couples therapy and you both want to improve. Two, your mother is not your therapist. Confiding in her with issues about your wife was a terrible idea, and you have intolerable friction between your wife and mother as a result. Which was bound to happen. You need to get a REAL therapist. Someone who is trained on how to help people work through their very serious issues. Not your mom. Not a friend. Basically, unless your wife acknowledges her part in this and embraces couples counseling, I think it's time to consider a divorce. Life is too short for this bullshit.

I agree, I should not have told anything to my mother. Unfortunately my state of mind was in no fit state to be making a good decision at the time due to my breakdown.

Things came to ahead a bit last night. She has been moody for 2 days since the last incident and all talk from her has been divorce / separation / kids away / etc. I was not ignoring her, but just did not engage with her on these topics and told her to make her decision I do not need to be told / discuss this. Never raised my voice or lost my temper or did anything really.

Well last night she just completely lost it. She was smashing the doors and made a hole in the wall, smashed a kitchen chair, hitting & kicking walls and just generally smashing up the house (kids were in bed asleep and did not wake thankfully). I calmly told her to stop smashing things but she took this as a reason to smash more. Told her I would call police if she didn't stop, she didn't stop so I called police.

Police came and took a statement. Told her she needed to stay away from the house last night. All she could say to police was how I told my mother about issues and caused friction. She didn't deny anything and seemed to think this a good enough reason to smash up the house.

She has now arrived back at the house and is calm. I have retreated to my (home) office to work / get out of the way.

Police say social worker will be notified for kids.......
She says she is taking kids with her back to her country.......
I have a business to run and deadlines to meet.......
I have no-one to talk to.......

Op

I really feel for you. Has your wife ever sought professional help?

You really need to put your foot down here and stand firm.

You need to speak to your mother as someone close to you needs to be aware of what is happening - if not your mother do you have a friend you could tell?

You don't have anyone to talk to? Um, you've been talking to your mother....

She will not be able to take the kids back to her country. Go and see a solicitor and start putting the necessary formalities in place.

Hi sorry to hear your awful situation. I echo the others in saying she sounds abusive and unstable and a bully. Beyond that she sounds very unhappy but unless she can face that and do something about it instead of just taking it all out on you and destructive behaviour then there is nothing that can be done for that.

Can you speak to the police again and tell them she is continuing to threaten to take the children out of the country and ask them to log it along with last nights violent behaviour (by the way she definitely is violent) and ask their advice as to what steps you need to take to ensure she can't do that?

As for what you can do right now if the kids have passports find them and take them to somewhere safe (in an envelope at your mums or another relatives house perhaps - you don't need to tell them).

If she can't get the passports she can't take them anywhere. I know you probably deeply dislike conflict but now, whlst the impact of police involvement is fresh in her mind you need to make clear that her behaviour is abusive and totally unsuitable for living with children and that she needs to seek help and address it because it cannot continue.

You also need to have ducks in a row financially and be clear on where savings/assets are and if they can be accessed by her re: cleared out or if there needs to be two signatures on major withdrawals - speak to banks if necessary.

It sounds awful but your job now is to protect yourself and the children. She is not behaving responsibly or in a way that will put the children ahead of her own tantrums and destructiveness so you have to safeguard.

I'm so sorry.

Where is your wife from if you don't mind me asking? Is the threat to take the children there unrealistic or viable?

LTB

I spent the day with one of our mutual friends. He was very helpful, and agreed with the consensus that she is suffering from anger issues. She has not received any help for these previously.

My wife has calmed down a lot and been doing regular things with the kids at home today. I think taking the children away is just a threat at the moment, but she has already moved the passports so who knows.

She is from East Asia. The children (3&5) are British citizens and have only ever lived here. They do not speak the language either so I don't think she would be allowed to just leave with them.

ask her where the passports are.

The kids may have been pretending to be asleep... it sounds an awful situation for you to be facing but I would contact a domestic violence charity. They are set up to deal with female perpetrators too. Good luck and definitely ask where the passports are.