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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In wanting DH to understand me more?

26 replies

stolenyettobefound · 04/07/2017 23:04

Tonight I performed a concerto in front of 300 people in a public place for the first time in fifteen years. I was very anxious about it and had practiced a lot for a very long time and have been talking about it non stop for about two weeks. The last time I did it (15 years ago) I had a panic attack and ran off the stage. Tonight I got through it. 6 of my friends turned up at the venue to support me.

DH didn't come. He said that he felt ill. He also hasn't asked me how it went. I got home, on a cloud, and he has been talking for 1 hour about what he did today.

It will depress me too much to bring it up myself. l think I am just going to go to bed.

I feel like he does not know or understand me at all.

AIB passive aggressive? AIBU?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 04/07/2017 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmokedGlass · 04/07/2017 23:09

That's really very sad for you
He should have felt so proud of you, instead he's showing jealousy
What an achievement, you must be on a high

pinkyredrose · 04/07/2017 23:11

Well done OP, performing in front of 300 people is no mean feat especially considering you had a previous bad experience. You should be thoroughly proud of yourself!

Has your H (won't use D) got a problem with your success? Certainly sounds like it. Does he like to be top dog or something?

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 04/07/2017 23:12

Flowers Flowers Flowers Fantastic achievement stolen , that must have been huge for you, especially after the struggles with your previous performance. Such a shame that your 'D'H can't show some enthusiasm for you. Is he always such a tit?!

Gruach · 04/07/2017 23:16

Wow, well done! Stupendous achievement. Flowers

Were you with your 'D'H 15 years ago? Unless he genuinely, actually has felt sick with anxiety on your behalf it sounds as if he prefers you incapable of doing something you love which must be all-consuming.

Difficult ...

MyheartbelongstoG · 04/07/2017 23:38

Op well done, that's absolutely amazing!!

I go to singing lessons and I would never be brave enough to sing properly in from of anyone other than my singing teacher let alone 300 people!

You need to celebrate this.

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 04/07/2017 23:46

Congratulations Stolen, what a fantastic achievement! 🥂

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/07/2017 23:49

You're not being passive aggressive at all! You've done something brilliant and brave, something meaningful that required skill and courage. Your friends knew to support you. Your DH should be your number one fan, your biggest supporter.

He sounds....not much of a partner. I'd feel crushed by this.

However in other news you're awesome - well done 🌟

Original poster
stolenyettobefound · 04/07/2017 23:49

Thanks everybody. It's been all about him for years. I should have seen. I just thought that if I did something amazing then it could be a bit about me.

I promise I am not a narcissist!

OP posts:
Mammysin · 04/07/2017 23:52

Well done! what an amazing achievement! xx

HeddaGarbled · 04/07/2017 23:54

His behaviour is appalling and not that of a loving partner. I don't think the problem is that he doesn't understand you, it's that he doesn't care about you.

BubblingUp · 04/07/2017 23:56

Is he always so dismissive of you?
Congrats on your performance!

pinkyredrose · 05/07/2017 08:01

How have things been "all about him?'. Does he make all the decisions? He's meant to be your partner, your equal. Not your superior.

pinkyredrose · 05/07/2017 08:02

Hope you're ok OP. Are you seeing him in a different light now?

S0ph1a · 05/07/2017 08:12

Well done on you achievement !

Sorry to hear about your Dhs behaviour. Can you say more about how it's all about him ?

LittleCandle · 05/07/2017 08:13

Congratulations! Stage fright is horrible and well done you for conquering it!

I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times that XH came to concerts that I was involved with, and I did several each year. It was very demoralising. I was lucky that for a chunk of my marriage, my DM came to every concert and was incredibly supportive. DF came sometimes and said it was 'okay' or something equally tepid. I think XH was put off seeing me perform after his first time, before we were married, because I was as high as a kite afterwards and he had found the whole thing utterly boring and made no attempt to hide it. I remember him bringing the DC to a performance once. They loved it and he yawned his way through it, even though it was a short piece.

This was not what broke us up, but it did have an effect on our marriage.

jeaux90 · 05/07/2017 08:22

Congratulations! What an achievement!
I also had to conquer fear yesterday, speaking at an event. It's not easy. Well done!

Your DH sounds like a self absorbed toddler but you do need to say something. 1) it might make you feel better 2) he needs to know his behaviour is completely unreasonable 3) his response will tell you what you need to do next

Xxx

2cats2many · 05/07/2017 08:30

Well done! That's amazing and you should be proud!

Yes, your husband is bang out of order. He sounds self absorbed and uncaring. You have every right to feel the way you do.

Try not to let his negativity spoil how you feel about your performance. You've rightly expected him to be interested, supportive and proud of you. He's fallen far short of those expectations. But try and separate that problem out from all of your happy feelings about actually performing.

You need to deal with him/it but don't let it pollute the positive stuff. You have a lot to feel proud of.

🌟

beekeeper17 · 05/07/2017 08:35

Sounds like he's the narcissistic one, definitely not you. I'm so sorry he wasn't excited about it and proud of you, it sounds amazing.

I have a friend a bit like this, everything is always about her and she rarely asks much about me or makes an effort to come to things I invite her to unless it suits her. She does have some good points though and there are bits of our friendship I enjoy although only in small doses. I was wondering recently if she acts the same with her husband and if she does I don't know how he puts up with it, it's not really a partnership at all.

Sorry, I'm just rambling now with my own thoughts. If it was me I'd tell him exactly how it made you feel and see how he reacts, there's no chance of things improving if you let it fester.

Sparkletastic · 05/07/2017 08:38

What an incredible achievement- well done!
As to your husband, this might be one of those moments that helps you to make an important decision...

Isetan · 05/07/2017 11:05

It's not that he doesn't understand you, he does, he just doesn't care. The balls in your court, this is who he is, accept it or move on.

Thebluedog · 05/07/2017 11:08

Flowers for performing. Having had a panic attack when giving a presentation, I know how hard it is to get back up there. Well done Wine

As for your DH, very very poor show, however, in my experience, it won't likely change or get better, as it's not that he doesn't understand, it's because he really isn't interested or bothered. I presume if the tables were turned, he'd fully expect your support and it would be a huge family thing

HarmlessChap · 05/07/2017 11:34

My DW is a bit like this. She seems to lack empathy and has a hard time appreciating how I may be feeling or that I may need support.

I've learned to live with it, it's part of who she is, but I understand how you feel.

It's not a case of reasonableness it's a case of how much it upsets you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/07/2017 12:42

Congratulations and well done you! Flowers

Unfortunately, your DH sounds like my ex-boyfriend. Totally selfish twat so wrapped up in his own world he can't see anything else. One of the main reasons he is now an ex-boyfriend!

Adora10 · 05/07/2017 17:33

Fantastic and what would be even more fantastic would be if you got away from this joy sucking selfish nasty git.

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