Psychological abuse?

[HunnyBeez]

Hi everyone

NC for this.

10+yrs ago I was in a relationship which looking back I am sure it was psychological abuse.

I got the chance to move out of the area and start a fresh and I took it!
12 mths later I ended up breaking down in the Dr's and being put on AD. I was on them 4 yrs and to this day still have the odd wobble.

Our group of friends knew some of what went on and nothing was ever said. So it became "normal"

For various reasons I am now living back in the area and they are all still friends. I get the feeling people think my opinion of him is extreme and I should "get over it" (nothing is ever said) but pls tell me I'm right to think he's a fucking arsehole who ruined 5 yrs of my life while I was with him and another 4 yrs while on AD.

He would call me a fucking c**t regularly
He would tell me to fuck off or to shut the fuck up.
He would tell me I was being gobby
He refused to do anything I asked and would reply with "stop moaning" and not lift a finger
He pushed a hot sandwich on my face.
He would say he would be home "in an hour" on a Friday tea time (5pm) and come home wasted 12 hours later and pull the duvet off me and start swearing in my face (I ended up having heart palpitations whenever he came in drunk, I would pretend to be asleep to try avoid any kind of confrontation)
He would give me the silent treatment for days on end. This always ended in me apologising. No matter what the cause.
He put his fist through a window and threatened to burn my parents house down
He threw some coins so hard at my head that they dented the wall (polyfilla needed)
He would text me constantly if I was out and if I didn't reply I would get bombarded with messages. Then when I got home I would get accused of all sorts. "So who have you been flirting with/shagging tonight" and would then go silent on me until I apologised.
I wouldn't have dared get Facebook for fear of a male acknowledging me.
I always always went home to an empty house. He would call and see if I was home, if I wasn't he would go
Somewhere and wait until I was home.
He grabbed my arm one night on a night out because I was talking to a friend (male) and I had finger prints down my arm where he had grabbed me.
I was in hospital having had an op and he couldn't come and see me "because he was out with his mates"
When I asked him why we never did anything together on a weekend he replied " I work all week so my weekends are spent doing what I want to do"
If we were out and I did something he didn't like, I would get a look. In that moment I would immediately sober up as I knew I was in trouble. It might have been me talking to the same person for too long or someone buying me a drink (in a round!)

I stopped going out as it was easier to stay at home and not get grief.

This was more than him just him being a bastard or me being sensitive wasn't it?

He told his mates about the sandwich incident and they all laughed and joked about it.

No, you're wrong, it was psychological, emotional and physical abuse.

What a cunt. So glad you got out of it.

You are right. Your friends don't want to think about what happened so they don't have to examine their own lives and / or motives in not supporting you at the time. I want to say get new friends but, realistically, accept they are flawed and take them for what they are and remind yourself how far you have come and what strength you must have to see so clearly what you have been through and survive

Well done OP for getting out of that terrible man's grasp. Why are some people just such complete and utter bastards ?

Thank you for your replies. I mean I know deep down it was wrong on so many levels but when those closest to you don't say anything you doubt yourself
I am not the same person I was before that relationship and I hate him for taking that away from me.

I'm sorry you went through this.
As for your friends, some people just do not want to have to think about dreadful things that go on so they close their minds and their ears to it. I can only guess at reasons: if it happened to you it could happen to them, (maybe it is happening to some of them), thoughts of cruelty spoil a nice day, they didn't know what to do/say or how to help you, denial - it's all too EastEnders so you must be exaggerating/making at least some of it up, your ex spread rumours about you.
And that is how abuse remains hidden, secret, unspoken of.

You may have changed but he tried his best to break you and he didn't succeed did he? You will always have that over him. YOU are the strong one. He's a miserable abusive cunt who gets his kicks out of making his partner's life a misery. You left him, you made that happen. You broke the hold he had over you. If I were your mum I would be so proud of you.

Hold on to your reality.
You were there.
You know what happened.
It was that bad.
Don't doubt yourself any longer.

OP it wasn't psychological abuse, it was abuse - various types, but ultimately this is a deeply unpleasant man and you should be proud to have made the break and got free of him.

Ultimately you were there, you took the brunt of that behaviour and no one ever knows the full extent to what goes on behind closed doors. Sod what your 'friends' think. You know the truth and you survived what sounds like a bloody awful relationship and living situation. Don't think of it that he ruined your life. Don't allow him any of the satisfaction of knowing that it had a long term impact on you. You lived that and survived. You're a survivor of domestic abuse, you should be proud of that survival and not give two shits about what anyone else thinks because they don't know.

Thank you for replying

I'm relieved it's not just me being dramatic. I lived with it for so long it just became "normal" everyone played it down with some even taking the piss out of me for the food incident. Wankers.