Dont like this life and feel guilty for sharing.....

[user1496589862]

because I am super lucky to have my 3 dc's and a home and our health....I just dont have a sparkle but dont think I ever have had one!
Im a middle aged single mum who decided to go back to uni to prove a point, not only to myself but to a not so nice parent that I was more than enough. I was capable of being someone. More than what he made me feel I was growing up.
Anyway long story short. I am a student mental health nurse who is STRUGGLING. Financially so have to work along side the degree. No input from the exH. So basically I am exhausted most of the time.
I am 2nd year and I thought it was first year nerves, feeling anxious, sometimes depressed due to stress. Lonely as I have NO time but its not shifting. I dont like being in uni. I have enjoyed one placement as it was more psychology based. I know you will all ask why mental health and I promise you I have a passion for it but for my own healing reasons and seeing how early intervention is key.
I have a mortgage which my bursary pays. I have tried chatting to my mum about it but she just says 'you will be so good at it though and you have your mortgage to pay'
She is right I do have a mortgage to pay and what would I do now? More importantly my dc's depend on me. Also all those people that are routing for me to succeed.
Some days I feel like I want to run away. I dream of an opportunity to arise so I can finish to say I have something better I cant refuse but that isnt going to happen. Am I too old to even have that choice now. I know if it was my dd I would be telling her follow your dreams you have your whole life ahead of you, its about being happy.
I have posted here because I have absolutely nobody to talk to. Just feeling completely lost and was oping for some words of wisdom.

I think you've posted before? I think several people with experience in HE, including me, suggested talking to counsellors and staff at your Uni. So that they know the score and can advise. It may even be possible to have a year's gap in the course for instance, to gather your thoughts and earn money elsewhere. Personally I think you are best advised to get through the degree at this point for both psychological and financial reasons. Things often just start to feel better at some point.
I hope things do get better. You sound lovely, and competent!

Thankyou pog100
I have spoken to my tutor and we spoke about the opportunity to take time out. My bursary would be suspended so would need to find full time employment pretty quickly. I did feel better after chatting to her. I worry if I did that I would extend the stress. I thought this feeling may shift but it hasn't.
Thankyou for posting :)

Hi - didn't want to just read and run. I appreciate how knackering it must be for you. My Mum returned to Uni at about your age (as a single mum of 3) was she was almost on her knees. She even spoke quite seriously about giving up about half-way through her final year (of 4 years) but thankfully we managed to persuade her to hang in there and we are so proud of her.

Mind you this was with my brother living away at Uni, and my sister and I being old enough to be somewhat independent (making our own tea/walking the dog etc). You haven't mentioned how old your DC are. Are they old enough to help about a bit? Could your Mum offer some practical help?

Don't forget your original reason for doing this. I really hope someone can offer some more practical help. Where in the UK are you? Please don't give up on your dream and the original reason you decided to do this.

Do you have to travel far for lectures? Could the Uni post lecture notes online? (Would that even help?). Don't forget they will have student support services who may be able to help in some way, even if it's just a cup of tea and someone to listen while you let off a bit of steam etc.

You can do this. We all need a bit of hand-holding from time to time. Please keep us up to date with how you're getting on.

I know two women, one early 40's, the other early 50's who have both now just completed their degrees. They both felt as you do, a little overwhelmed at the pressure of studying whilst being parents and everything in between etc...I think the way you feel is normal. You're juggling so much, your brain is taking in so much information and you still have to function exactly as you always have. Its a massive achievement. Dont give up...acknowledge the struggle as you have and now tame it...keep going, it will be so worth it when you're in the position my two friends are now - they overcame the struggle and they're now getting ready for their graduations, bursting with pride and yes both of them thinking to themselves "I proved you wrong". I think a lot of adult education is intrinsically linked to our childhood and our parents. You're not alone. You've got this!!!

Greenfingers, thankyou :)
I bet you are super proud of your mum. Well done to her and well done to you for being so supportive of her. I bet she is just as proud of you too! I know if we miss uni time we have to make it up with written work so this may work actually. We are not in uni a great deal to be honest. I have been thinking about going back 6 months. My bursary would be stopped until I returned so would need to work for 6 months. Looking at job opportunities as we speak actually. It would mean having a breather for 6 months, get my head together.

Thankyou LesisMiserable :) Thats amazing, well done to your friends. I can imagine they feel over the moon. I am juggling alot and I sometimes think its effecting my mental health to the point of having no desire to want to enjoy things and I feel I am becoming more anxious around people, its a strange feeling.
Thankyou for your posts, they mean so so much to me today.

You definitely need support - ongoing, consistent. You won't be the first or the last to feel you're losing your marbles in the middle of a degree. You are under a lot of ancillary pressure too - it's not enough to talk to your tutor once - you need regular, ongoing support.

Plumb every support available - and use it to the hilt. Right the way through. You're climbing everest, you need sherpas!

Well done! You are doing marvelously (even though you're on your knees). Who wouldn't be? This is a notoriously gruelling ride

If you hesitate to access support for yourself, then do it for your kids. You're the captain of the ship, you need to invest in said captain for their sake.

Thankyou springydaffs :) I have just this minute emailed my tutor again. I have held back and acted like Im ok whereas when I am home Im really not. My mood is low, I drink too much wine. I have lost me!!! I have got issues with my middle dd being bullied. Im sorting it but its heartbreaking every day as I wave her off to school.
I need more time to sort this! She is slightly overweight and is being picked on because of this. This is my fault! I need more time to do something about this! Every day I feel guilt for sat doing an assignment or not being able to attend a play etc etc. My youngest wants me to help in her youth club as its needing more staff otherwise being closed down. Kids need clubs! I have said yes because I feel so guilty. Stressing that I have said yes. I know thats minor to some but all these things are adding up in my head. I am mad my ex doesnt help but I cant force a parent to care. I am the captain (I like that) you are right but Im failing at being the captain. The more I am sat her reading and posting I think I should take 6 months out. Its not the end of the world. Whats 6 months and in those 6 months I can do alot.

Do not leave this course unless you are 100% sure. This will dramatically affect your chances of getting funding, loan etc again. Also, you are the last year to get a bursary, don't waste this opportunity!

Is mental health nursing still your dream? Do you think it will suit your lifestyle, too?

I think it's great to take six months out - obviously you'll have to focus on getting a job but you will feel the stress leave you - it'll be great to have a break.

Hmm. I have just completed 4 years of uni as a single parent. I'd say don't give up. Do you get a summer break? If I remember the nurses didn't get as long but they did get some time off.

Could you ask your uni to help you get another placement which you would enjoy instead of dread? It would be a real shame to take six months off then drift away from it. I remember my last placement (not nursing but care related) was so tough it was a total mental endurance test. Everyone there was miserable. But the relief once it was over was amazing. You need more support from your uni.

Thanks for the post Bee :) Im Wales so we are still able to get a bursary, in which I am very grateful.
Thankyou Imperial :) I dont know! I just dont know! I love working with young people who have not had a great start or the opportunities. Just making a small difference means so much to me. I sure do wish I had support and guidance from someone when I was younger. Not all aspects of mental health are my dreaam. So many areas I do not want to work. I am thinking it is an option to take time out. Obviously I need work so need to think about that too.
thankyou nice :) well done! We get the summer but I am working it. I have 101 things to submit too. I know Im not the only one or the last. I dont want to come across like I am feeling sorry for myself. Well I am a little haha! Just exhausted mentally and concerned of how this is effecting my dc's. Also thinking how much time out may benefit and give me a clear head in knowing if it is what I really want. It really is difficult to choose placements as they struggle with places for us to go.

It seems to me that your life is stressful enough (with young children etc) and yet you've chosen a career which can be very stressful in itself.

Take some time out and have a think about what you really want to do with your life.

I know Imperial. Unfortunately I didn't plan on being a single parent when I went back to uni. If I knew then what I knew now it would be different.