At the end of my tether

[lookingforsomething]

I am feeling very low. I just seem to be falling apart. I have an adult son with severe depression and anxiety. He left University four years ago and has never had a job... I don't know how this happened but it has. He applied for a few, didn't get them and just seemed to lose heart. He has no confidence, no friends and no life and i know he is suicidal. I have been propping him up as best I can whilst struggling with depression myself as a result of this. My OH works very long hours and has had a series of health issues himself so I feel like i have been run ragged trying to support everyone. I have tried counselling, in fact did a year's foundation course with a view to training as a counsellor, but found it largely unhelpful. Just sitting talking about my problems endlessly isn' t helpful especially when there are no solutions, no strategies and seemingly no answers.
We are about to move to a rental property as we have had no success finding a house to buy despite looking for over 2 years. It isn't in the area we want to be as it's been a bit of a last minute panic . My OH is retiring and i have not worked for several years myself. I find myself isolated, lonely and largely unsupported. My own family are critical and disinterested, only concerned with themselves. I have two other children who are great, but they have their own lives to lead and i cannot really lean on them. I just see no future for myself with this situation dragging on and on. People keep saying how great it is that we will now have all this freedom blah blah, but it feels like a barren wasteland to me. I have no no hope or enthusiasm for anything any longer. I struggle to make decisions and don't know where to turn. My OH is excited about new possibilities, but with an adult living with us who is severely depressed and wholly dependent on us, how can we move forward? He is now beginning to receive treatment, but I don't know if this will really help. I just feel hopeless.

Hi OP. I absolutely feel your despair. I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago and it's damn awful but there is a light, you just have to find it.

I know it's difficult but you have to put yourself first right now and things will drop into place. By the sounds of it, you are the rock of the family so it's time to give that rock a bit of tlc.

In order to not feel isolated you need to open your circles a little. Is there a hobby you enjoy that you can take further? Something that will get you out of the situation you are in for a few hours a week?

I'm very familiar with having a DS with depression. Is he receiving treatment? Is he doing anything to change his situation?

Over the years I have discovered that my home, family are only as good as I am, meaning I'm in the driving seat. If I'm feeling pretty awful then there is a knock on affect within my home life. So, time to think about you. I promise things will improve eventually. X

Sorry, just read your son is receiving treatment.

This is good! There's recognition so this means he wants to change his situation.....see, there's a positive straight away.

I was going to say OP that taking better care of yourself has to be a key priority, I can see a pp also said that.

Is there a physical exercise you enjoy? Yoga? Swimming? Dancing? I found when I was struggling with depression and anxiety it helped enormously.

I hope your son gets the help he needs but to be able to be effective during that you really need to be being kind to yourself x

I have tried to find hobbies and interests and that has kept me going to some extent but the past year or two have been very challenging and i have put all my energies into a potential house move etc which has come to nothing. i feel totally drained. My son has been to the doctor many times but they have done nothing. He has also been seeing a counsellor which we have paid for. Finally, he saw a doctor who actually took some action. I laugh when I hear all the time 'see your GP if you feel X, Y and Z. In my experience they are worse than useless. No wonder the suicide rate is so high.

I think the past ten years have just knocked me for six as I've had one crisis after another to deal with. I'm a strong person but feel completely drained. Once we have made a permanent move house wise I can put some energy into building another life but we are going into rental for the foreseeable future , not in the area we want to be in.
Hindsight, I would like to know how you got out of your situation in the end?

OP, I absolutely get what you're going through.
For me I can't say it was one particular thing that changed this more it was a kind of chain reaction. ( although I didn't have the house issue to deal with.)

I literally woke one morning and said sod this. I hadn't many friends, husband has his issues by the bucketful, DS left school, no qualifications, mild learning disability, depression and anger issues. My situation was zapping the life out of me. I volunteered to help with a local festival and really threw myself into it. I was doing really boring stuff through to some very entertaining things but it was taking me out of my " dark place " and giving me a totally new identity other than mum and all round shit picker!

I guess on reflection it was like meditation in the fact that I was giving my brain a rest from the stuff at home. I'd come home with things to say and stories to tell. I also got my DS involved which gave him a purpose and it built his confidence a little.

My situation now isn't a million times better or different, still have my DS at home and it's still very up and down, husband still has a zillion issues but mentally I am in a stronger place to deal with the crap life throws at me.

I know it sounds cliche to give yourself time out and tlc but it's very important if you are to function well. It's about shifting your focus onto other things. If all you have around you are trees then all you will see are trees.

Hope that helps if it makes any sense at all!

Just one other thing, got me thinking now!

The situation with my DS is frustrating. I want to do the mum thing and get him out, get him friends, get him jobs, get him help but we can't do this. They have to. I don't know what the future holds for him but I do know that I can offer him a relatively full functioning mum ( slightly tapped at times but I'm only human ) and I will always be there for him.

Sending you a massive hug!

He has also been seeing a counsellor which we have paid for. Finally, he saw a doctor who actually took some action.
It's been my experience, too, that it can take several tries before things work out in this area. But if you can manage it, do keep trying, as all you need in the end is one thing that does work. Just be aware that a few failed attempts are perfectly normal and not a sign that it will never work. When you are depressed, it is all too easy to think that. Be aware of that and try to make yourself keep slogging away at it anyway.

Having no hope, not being able to imagine the future and struggling to make decisions are all classical symptoms of depression. Be aware that they are indeed your depression talking, and take those feelings with a pinch of salt.

Personally I found it hugely helpful to take medication - as well as having therapy - as I learned that when I was on the medication, I did not have my usual anxieties and fears, even though I was in the same situations. Instead I was able to see past the situation and do things. Not sure if I can explain that well, but it showed me that it was indeed the depression talking in my head and stopping me find strategies or imagining anything better. So now I am no longer on the medication, I'm better able to fend off the dark thoughts.

Have a look at the symptoms of depression.
www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/Symptoms.aspx
Where it mentions "feeling hopeless", that's a symptom. You feel like you have no hope right now because that is a symptom of depression. People who are not depressed might be in a really shitty situation but nonetheless find some hope, something to cling onto that will give them a goal and help them work their way out of the situation. But you are depressed, so you feel hopeless.

I'd also recommend having a listen to this particular podcast episode, which offers quite a few practical ideas:
bryonysmadworld.telegraph.co.uk/e/mad-world-mandy-stevens/

Thank you for these responses, it makes such a difference to have some support and understanding. We have just had a major family event and he could barely cope with it, kept disappearing. He has spent the past few days in his room and only comes down for meals. The antidepressants are making him feel awful but he won't really talk about it. I am just hoping once they kick in things will start to improve. He needs some impetus to change his life and has just virtually given up. Also he is being offered CBT so that will help him hopefully.
i am torn between feeling angry and frustrated and desperately worried about him.

It is true that having things of my own help. I was doing a counselling course , and that made a big difference to how I felt about life, but I still found I talked about him in all the practice sessions! It completely dominates my life.
The trouble is we are caught in a sort of cycle.. he's depressed, so I am depressed, and that makes him more depressed because he feels such a burden and hates himself etc. A lighter atmosphere in the house would be helpful.
It is useful to hear that things can change and there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. One of the worst things is other people's judgements 'why is he still at home' 'why doesn't he have a job' etc. It makes me feel I have a shameful secret and so I isolate myself. It makes me feel like a failiure as a mother quite frankly. What have I done wrong that this should happen? I wake up in the morning thinking about it and go to bed thinking about it, and it dominates every moment of my day. I've tried counselling but not found it helpful really.
I will listen to the podcast raven mum, thank you.

Podcast very interesting. I will forward it to my son too. i have just done the Becks test myself and am rather worried by the results.

Without wanting to minimise things it sounds a bit like you are over attached to your ds. (as if he is still a child)

It seems as if you (and not him) feel fully responsible for the way he is. As if he is in a 'hole' of despair and you've jumped in with him.

Tell him it's ok to be suicidal - most people try and avoid this kind of discussion. Perhaps phone samaritans - they will listen to you and it might help to give you some clarity. If he feels like calling they will listen to him and he might feel listened to and gain some clarity.

Perhaps it might help to separate you and your feelings from him and his feelings. A good way you can help him is for you to learn how to be content - whether that be finding work or study or even being content with doing nothing - or being content in your current situation. We don't have to conform to what we think other people think of us.

Perhaps you might start with accepting where you all are as a family and letting go of what you think other people think of you and finding one thing you like to enjoy and do that.

You may have seen these already...

If he's just started SSRIs, for example, it's normal for him to feel worse for a few weeks. Do keep the doctor informed if things are looking bad, though, and don't forget that what works for one person might not work for another, you have to find what suits you. So don't give up just because one thing isn't working. Keep on slogging away at the problem. And in particular, don't suddenly stop using a medication or take more of it. That can have completely the wrong effect.

After a while people will get the idea that your son is finding it hard to get things together. Until then you may need to educate them :) I think the only way to stop feeling like it's a guilty secret is to get properly informed yourself, too, so that you have some facts and figures that really convince you (not just others) that these things just sometimes happen, that anyone can get depressed or struggle with life.

My brother has a Masters degree, then dropped out and lived out of bins for a while ... partly as a lifestyle choice, but partly because he wasn't able, somehow, to live conventionally. He's now in his 30s, and is still living a nonconventional life, but is now in a kind of green community known as an ecovillage. He does gardening work and stuff in the wider community, has his own network of similarly minded friends. I think he's managed to build something up for himself.

I wonder if your son might be able to do some volunteering, in an animal home or something, helping out in a soup kitchen? Community gardening or arts projects? Somewhere that unconventional lifestyles are accepted? Sounds like he needs to come up with an alternative to the original plans behind whatever he studied.

I think both you and your son should try volunteering .

My brother came home from uni in his final year after dropping out. He was depressed, so much so he didn't look after himself/brush his teeth etc. I as his silly little sister used to get so cross with him, until he told me every morning he couldn't see how to get through the day. At 23 my parents took him back and he started working at Woolworths. He didn't have counselling or drugs that I know of but slowly he started seeing old friends again. Forward 14 years he is a married accountant with 2 kids. I could so easily have lost him, he used to disappear and we would go out looking for him expecting a body.
My point is DS can get through this and you are helping so much more than you know. Keep trying!

Thanks for the replies. He has volunteered several times on residential placements, but they only lasted a few weeks each time. He does volunteer in a charity shop a few hours a week. I think he has just given up hope that he we ever climb out of the hole he is in. He compares himself with others his age and his siblings and feels he will never be happy or get a life for himself. It's heartbreaking to see. I can so relate to what you say Mustard. He has walked out several times for a few days and we had no idea where he was. He just had to get out of the house. i worry on a daily basis that he will kill himself. Just have to hope things get better. The antidepressants may help his mood, but at the end of the day his life needs to change. He is unemployable because he has no work history. Any employer is going to say 'what on earth have you been doing for the past four years'. He is very intelligent - it's such a waste.
He would be great volunteering in an animal shelter or somewhere unconventional but since he doesn't drive there are limited options. I have made all sorts of suggestions, it's exhausting. He just seems to have given up.

The volunteering is useful not just to give him something to do but also to get him in contact with people and into situations which might lead to work. Some kinds of work require, or seem to require, a CV without a single chink in it; other kinds don't. People I know with a more unconventional career history work in the theatre, in drug rehab, with the elderly... intelligent people don't have to be dentists or accountants.

You say that the anti-depressants can help his mood, and that his life needs to change, as if those two things were not connected, but they are. Yes, he's given up. Because he's depressed.

Sounds like a decent bike or driving lessons might be a productive way to fill some of the time he has on his hands right now?