Sexless marriage: feeling utterly hopeless

[AnneBoleynsSixthFinger]

I'm a long time lurker and occasional poster but have name changed for this.

I know this topic's been done to death but, in summary: I am 39 and married with two small children. Since the youngest was conceived - she's nearly three - we have had sex about eight times.

Prior to the birth of my eldest child almost six years ago, everything was fine. But almost before I left hospital, my husband's attitude to me changed dramatically (he denies this or claims to have forgotten it). He became withdrawn, cold, angry, critical, and all real emotional intimacy and affection stopped. Our sex life dwindled, and as I said, came to a halt after my little girl was conceived.

The main problem is that we can't talk about any of this without a big row. He insists that I am the one who has lost interest. That is simply not true. But it is true that I have lost the confidence to initiate anything (I used to be quite confident sexually). Two incidents have particularly eroded my confidence. The first happened about four and a half years ago. We had sex where I felt he was quite rough and inconsiderate, to the extent that I got mild cystitis afterwards. I said this to him ( I was upset but trying not to be critical). He got angry, at which stage I got angry too and said that I felt (which was true) that he was using me, that it felt like he was just masturbating inside me (TMI, sorry).

The second episode was when my baby had just turned six months. We were on holiday and I had stopped breast feeding. I had hoped that we might resume a normal sex life. But as the holiday went on, it was clear that this wouldn't happen. So I was lying in bed beside him, and I started crying and asked him what the problem was; asked if he had any sex drive? He replied 'not where you're concerned'.

So - and sorry for making a short story long - we have no sex life and I am too scared of rejection to take the lead. And it is driving me mad, but I feel stuck. I don't want to disrupt my little children with a separation, and to be honest, I am from a fairly conservative part of Ireland and don't know of many people whose marriages have ended.

I need some perspective please.

Sounds shitty.

What is it that prevents an adult discussion from happening? Why does it devolve into a shouting match?

Are you still interested in him? Is he interested in you? Do you think there is too much res moment on both sides to properly fix this?

He replied 'not where you're concerned'

And that would be the marriage over for me. Why would you want to have sex with someone who clearly isn't interested?

BadHatter: yeah it's pretty shitty.

I am still interested in him but just too scared to initiate anything.

I really feel he is not interested in me: he denies this but he shows no interest at all. There's no cuddling, no flirting, no compliments.

He does come on to me (not very often) but in such a perfunctory way that it makes me feel more rejected and humiliated, if that makes any sense.

He is good-looking and fit, if that's relevant. I used to be considered good-looking but the babies have taken their toll.

I don't know why we can't have a grown-up conversation. I feel there's something he is not being honest with me about.

DameDiazepam: Thanks for the flowers :)

Yeah, something did die in me when he said that.

But as I mentioned, I have two very small children, to whom he is a really good father. Also, since we moved back to Ireland from the UK, I only work from home as a contractor so don't earn what I used to
. I am making excuses for my weakness, I know, but it is hard.

You're not weak, it sounds awful.

And it's not cut and dry when you have kids.

Dame: No it's not cut and dry at all. The kids love him, he loves them. We have good family times together, a lovely home, a good standard of life. I feel that a break-up would devastate them. And, for some reason, he tells me that there is no way he would ever agree to let me leave, that it's out of the question.

Have you considered relationship counselling?

Would you feel brave enough to write how you feel in a letter to him?

That would prevent a row and you say what you need to without interruptions.

Sign the letter of with something like... "I want things to be better between us, so could we try and talk about it, without any blame please"

Honestly, if I got the comment you did on holiday, I'd have checked out of the marriage mentally, if not physically.

Sandy: Thank you.

We have been for relationship counselling with two separate therapists (although the sex things was never discussed in any depth).

With the first counselor, he kept going on about the expense of counselling, so we stopped after a couple of sessions. The second time he walked out in a temper (when I said that I found it difficult to trust him). And that was that.

Do you have a social life OP? Friends that you go out with?

I see you have no plans to leave as yet, so in the meantime, try and have a life of your own. Develop your interests and become more independent.

Is he controlling? Why does he want you to be miserable like this.

Do you think he's having an affair?

You sound young. Don't sign yourself up to a life of misery.

Sandy,

I don't know many people where we live ( a smallish city near his home) but I am trying to make a life (book clubs, occasional nights out with school mums). From the social aspect, it doesn't help that I work from home.

I think he is controlling, yes, but not hugely.

I don't think he wants me to be miserable; he just thinks that I have no right to be unhappy. He feels that I have a lovely home, lovely kids, enough money, so what's the problem?

I am sure he is not having an affair. He is quite a loner - I couldn't see him seeking extra company. He spends a lot of time avoiding other people ,including his family (although he is good company and witty and interesting).

Having been at the stage where it was easier to deal with the lack of sex than the rejection I totally get where you are; my self esteem was shot and it was affecting my MH. It was only when I talked about the marriage being over that it jolted my DW enough to stop ignoring situation and working with me to solve the underlying problems, there is a lot more effort going into our relationship and far better communication, the whole relationship is far stronger now.

We have focused on what we both want from our marriage and both have changed, we set aside time most weeks to DTD. DW never spontaneously wants sex but she does enjoy it, I have ED so have to take a pill beforehand anyway which also puts spontaneity out of the window. However sex is only a small part of how we have changed with one and other.

It needs the willingness of both partners, good communication and a want to resolve the issues but if all that exists it can be done.

His comment to you says that desires sex with other women, but not you.

Are you sure he has been completely faithful to you?

Couldn't the not where you're concerned have meant he doesn't have a problem with you?

HarmlessChap: thank you. I am glad things have improved for you. I feel the main barrier is lack of communication, and the fact that he maintains the problem lies with me.

Stoic: I really don't think he has been unfaithful. I don't see when he would have the time/opportunity.

Hickory: No, he definitely meant he had no sex drive where I was concerned.

Having tried many times to address the issues I became absolutely blunt and laid my cards on the table.

Put simply I said I can't carry on like this indefinitely the marriage isn't a marriage any longer its a friendship. Once the kids have gone to uni the shared parenting aspect will be gone and I don't see us being together any longer so we have a few years to try to repair the marriage before that happens or we need to look at how we're going to go about separating. That was the jolt which stopped her ignoring the issues.

One of the things we've had to do was draw a line and put the blame game aside. Both of us played our part in getting to where we are assigning fault doesn't resolve problems.

For us it was all intimacy but if its just the sex side of things then if he harps on about you going off sex tell him you both had a part to play so let's put the past behind us and concentrate on the present and future. Ask him if you can set aside one night a week or a fortnight to do something together (a walk, a meal, watch a film, go to the pub) with the intention of ending the evening with sex, simply to try to rebuild that side of the relationship.

If he's not willing to try to make an effort then you need to decide whether the rest of the marriage is worth staying for.

I'm in really sorry you are living through this, I too was in an almost sexless marriage, we have been separated two years almost.

It was certainly not just this issue which caused the split however I wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel, ours started long before children arrived and my self esteem in this department is really low.

I recognise I have some issues here and so have been reading a lot to try making sense and to rebuild myself.

I'm currently reading a book called mating in captivity, I started a chapter last night which specifically covers couples or men who lose sexual interest in their wives after having kids. I haven't read it all yet but it seems to be common, he sees you in a different role. From what I understand so far it is repairable with some work.

I suppose I'm just offering some hope that this needn't be the end, especially if other aspects of your relationship are good.

I'm a resin who like to understand and can then move forward so this would be helpful for me.

Don't give up yet, I know how soul destroying it is, focus on yourself and the way you feel about yourself, diet and exersise are important for my confidence, new clothes, try a dirty weekend away from home and the kids if possible, become more independent, having interests outside the kids and home is attractive.

Best of luck, please be kind to yourself

Beingsunny: Thanks for your kind post. I will look up the book you mention. The change when the kids came was really dramatic. His relationship with his own mother is complicate: I wonder if that has a bearing.

HarmlessChap; you sound like a LovelyChap. Yes, as you say, I need to decide about the rest of the marriage. It doesn't even feel like a friendship at this stage, let alone a marriage

These are all great posts and really honest and helpful. I'm a 36 married man in a loving relationship with a wonderful woman and a 2 year old child. We both love each other and are attracted to in each other but we're completely miles apart in terms of sex drive. We both ignored it for years because everything else was great and we knew it wasn't down to a lack of love or attaction but after about ten years my frustration got out don hand. I desperately craved the intimacy and physical bond that she just doesn't seem to have the hunger or appetite or need for and I became scared I'd never satisfy my drive and craving and would have to put up with I think for ever. I became so jealous of friends who had partners with a genuine sexual urge and drive and started to resent my partner for it.

We've been to counselling after I had a non sexual affair with a much younger girl which upset me and I told my wife about it. The counselling has been really great and consolidated our relationship in terms of commutation but hasn't fixed the underlying difference in drive.

I genuinely don't know what to do about it. I honestly feel that I could have a really satisfying sexual relationship with someone else without it damaging my marriage - my wife even told me so.

Help

jojo it's good MN etiquette to start your own thread if you're looking for help rather than hijack the OPs one.

OP sounds to me like he has a touch of the Madonna/Mother/Whore syndrome. Before kids you were a sexual being in his eyes. Now you are a mother, in his thinking the two are not compatible so he doesn't view you as sexual anymore. I'm sorry it's a shitty ridiculous out dated attitude but he will need a bucketload of counselling to get over it. Assuming he even wants to try.

The price for staying in this marriage is a lot higher than infrequent sex, it's being treated with contempt and knowing that your H is not interested in your feelings. You are co-parents who share a house and it appears that your H doesn't want that to change, which puts the ball in your court.

Why would you want to be intimate with someone who clearly isn't interested both physically and emotionally with you? Having young children does complicate things but staying is a terrible example because your marriage is your children's primary relationship role model and it isn't a good one.

This is who he is and there isn't a parallel universe where he's different, accept him and his contempt of you and your relationship or force the issue of change. You have choices, granted difficult ones but choices all the same. You aren't responsible for him being horrible but you are responsible for not limiting your exposure to his horribleness. Your MH is your responsibility and staying in a relationship that damages it is a choice.

Don't let fear stop you from attempting to live your best life because you can do better but nobody is going to do it for you.

You've rejected him twice.
First with suggesting he was using you as a sex toy, secondly on holiday where you suggested he had no sex drive.

No wonder he feels dried up around you.

You need to just jump him by surprise one day. Men are simple creatures. Don't come all the psychology stuff with him. Just get down to it, and cuddle up afterwards.

Ignore posters who will insist your husband has abused you emotionally or physically. You know him better than they do. He's hurt and needs you to show him you still find him highly attractive.

Please read thread here on erectile dysfunction.

I used to be considered good-looking but the babies have taken their toll

It sounds like he doesn't fancy you anymore. He cannot be blamed for that as we start/stop fancying people seemingly at random.
What he can be blamed for is being unpleasant and nasty to you. He needs to grow up.