Dear John

[Inadither]

I've come to the conclusion that the only way I'm going to end things with my husband is to write to him. I'm too scared of his reaction to have a discussion with him and this seems to be how I have resorted to talking to him about more difficult stuff as his response is to shut down or brush off my concerns wit a 'do you feel better now?' Or if I've been complaining that he needs to do more on the house as I can't do everything he'll tell me 'dot do it then'. We're now sat silent in the same room and I just can't bring myself to talk to him about it.

It's come to a head as I really think the way he talks to the dc is verging on bullying and I feel like I also walk on eggshells most of the time as he can be sulky (although I suppose I would now probably also fall in to that category as I'd rather avoid the conversation as they normally result in him outright saying 'no' (e.g. Needing a new shed or just knocking it down as it's completely rotten on one side, wanting to get the kids a trampoline for Christmas, going camping with the kids), so I tend to just get on with it without asking him, so he now huffs that he's not consulted).

Anyway, do you think this is unreasonable? I often tend to get over emotional when talking so it would help with that as I'll end up crying and being unintelligible. I have been thinking of leaving for ages.......

Write the letter. Then see if you can communicate the words to face with it as a prop maybe? If not, then you tried to talk it through and then leave him with your thoughts clearly expressed. I am hopeless at talking my feelings through they come out a complete mess. Writing it down gives you breathing and thinking space. But it is one way, so if you want him to have right of reply it might be worthwhile giving him that option

Definitely write everything down first to get your thoughts in order. You can then think about whether to just let him read it or do what DCU said and use it as a prompt.

By all means write a letter, as it can be easier to get your thoughts into some sort of rational order and avoid direct confrontation, but don't expect to get the reply you want.

I did this with my wife and really feel it made things worse.

Can I just comment on the crying bit.
I know it's maddening if you feel very intensely about something and your eyes start leaking. It's actually pretty normal when we're under stress.
When we get angry, anxious or frustrated, our body naturally releases a stress hormone, cortisol. Tears release this from our body.

You perhaps worry your DH when he sees your tears thinks your argument collapses, "Oh, there she goes, off again, poor sensitive little flower" or even, "Huh, emotional blackmail".
It is not 'weakness' or "Feel pity for me, I need your support".

I know it's embarrassing when you most need to feel cool calm and self possessed. So putting it down on paper is a good strategy.

Ha. I've always thought I've just got weak tear ducts!

Ordinary. I don't expect an answer as such, just the strength to say what needs to be said without the initial fall out and guilt associated with it. I feel very weak, like I haven't got the nerve to do it and yet I don't know what's stopping me. Fear of the unknown, fear it's going to be worse than now, fear of his reaction. We don't really row, so it's not like I can blurt it out in the heat of the moment. We don't really communicate at all.