2nd marriage struggles. Need some help.

[MappaMundi]

Been with DH for 11 yrs (married for 5). He has 4DCs, I have 2DDs. Mine are in 30s now and DHs range from 14 - 24. His first marriage ended when his ExW had an affair and left. Mine because my ExH had lots of affairs and was EA. ExH is now dead.

My DDs have never lived with us, but all of DHs DCs have stayed EOW and one weekday each week.

DH has very different parenting style to me and this has caused problems over years. I have pulled back from my involvement with his DCs, mainly because I am fed up being called unreasonable if I complain about things being left untidy, bad manners, etc. Usual teenage stuff, I know, but I don't think that's a reason to ignore it. He thinks I should. So I do now.

Yesterday I'd been out with DH all afternoon (for one of DH activities) and he'd left some cash for DCs to choose what they wanted for dinner and with a couple of hours to go, he texted them to let them know we were on our way. They like cooking and middle two are good cooks. Anyway, pretty hard drive home ( I was driving) and as we arrive home at 7pm one DC is returning from local shop with ingredients for a meal that will take at least an hour. I muttered about couldn't they have got on with it earlier and promptly got a barrage of back chat which DH did nothing to stop. This happens so much and I am really unhappy and feel like a lodger in my own home.

Because in the past I've been criticised for calling DSCs out on bad behaviour/attitude, I just asked them not to speak to me like that and walked away. Went and got myself some nibbles to keep me going and read a book. DH just avoided me all evening. At bedtime he told me I'd been unreasonable saying anything. It's not just a one off thing. They make arrangements that commit me to pick ups without asking, over 18s help themselves to our wine and beer without asking and generally please themselves without doing very much around house. A really small thing, but I've never had a Xmas or birthday card from any of them either.

I understand the dynamics are different with step families, but I just wish my DH would support me occasionally instead of making me feel like I'm just the enabler of his and his DCs lifestyle.

Any suggestions for how I change things for the better?

That's tricky.. and it's difficult to say without knowing the nuance and the full picture. Re timing of dinner, I know that teens will not take kindly to being criticised on the timing when they are doing something constructive. So I would have bitten my tongue on that front. It's nice that they cook for you all..

The over 18s I guess help themselves to stuff as they feel like they are adult guests in dad's home rather than 'living' there? Am sort of surprised the adult dc still have scheduled contact, I don't know.

Making arrangements and presuming they can have a lift if just obviously out of order though. I would pay conditions down that your taxi service is only pre-bookable and agree it with DH.

Dads always seem to have an element of guilt with kids living elsewhere so with the more lenient parenting I think that's a very common dynamic.

Disclaimer: I don't live in a step family situation although I am with someone and we both have dc from previous marriages. Perhaps someone else with experience will comment.

Yesterday's trigger of the dcs starting to prepare a meal just as you arrived home was an annoyance at worst. It's their home, as long as they clear up afterwards why does it matter when they cook?

But the trend of disrespecting you must be very wearing - never sending you a card and expecting short-notice lifts suggests that they have little respect or affection for you. But, being honest, is this one sided? Or do you think they might feel that you don't value or respect them either?

Regarding wine and beer - my teens help themselves too, but ask first and occasionally ask if I want one. I suspect your stepchildren would say 'dad doesn't mind'.

Yes you're right about it just being a petty annoyance. I was very tired after a long drive and shouldn't have said anything. But my point is that I respond to a situation as a human being and get slammed for it. Everyone else is just indulged. It just feels rubbish.

ExW is currently away and so DCs are with us for the week. That's fine - it's their home too. But none of them (DH incl) don't seem to acknowledge it's my home too. I do lots of things as you do, washing, cleaning, shopping etc but I'm working full time and the middle two have just finished A levels and GCSEs and seem to treat me like the hired help and their DF does nothing to dissuade them if that attitude. I'm just feeling a bit low.

They're lazy, entitled and disrespectful. & their dad is backing them up. They knew you were on your way back, they could very easily have prepared a meal but didn't care enough to sort it, and on time. They're not babies by far and consideration should not be alien to them. All youngers have their ways but enough of them will at least do the basics, if only to keep the parents off their back!

I dont know how you'll get around it. Your DH wants you to put up and shut up. Quietly be head cook and bottle washer, jump to attention when they need a lift to & from wherever they're going. Don't disturb the flow.

Raising DCs not to be lazy entitled and inefficient doesn't cross some parent's' minds. They want the world to tiptoe around their precious little flowers and won't have a word said against their behaviour.

It will be very obvious to them that dad has put you firmly in your place by ignoring you for the whole evening too. That isn't good. Perhaps they also dont respect you as he doesn't, in your no boundaries set-up as led by him. Or maybe they simply don't like you. Or dont take you into account as youre not their mother. Who knows. They can still be considerate however.

Perhaps he's compensating for not being with them all the time. But its not fair when actions impact negatively on you.

You matter too, and you're unhappy. So it has to be addressed. How far you'll get with that, I dont know. You're step-mum and I have a mind even on that basis you'll be expected to suck it up. Good luck.

I feel for you. 'Real' parents are allowed to blow a gasket and apologise later once they've calmed down or seen sense, but step-parents have to be beyond reproach at all times; I would have been annoyed about the kitchen thing too.

Did you apologise later? Do they feel genuine affection and warmth from you?

I don't know what to suggest to improve the situation other than talking to your dh. I think it would help to boil your annoyances down to 4-5 important issues rather than muddying the water with long lists of trivial stuff (let's face it, teens are known for being messy and thoughtless). Do you think he sees you complaining about small things so often that even big things become subsumed in the white noise of 'complaining'?

Pick your battles. Don't mention the lack of cards, drinking your alcohol or cooking annoyingly late. Its all they'll hear. They'll find it unjust and get defensive. Your real concerns won't see the light of day.

A housework rota and notice for lifts would be my priorities.

Agree with RainyApril

Housework and lifts.

Keep it focused.

Did you move in with him Op or did you get a place together?

We own a house we chose together (50:50). We had a long distance relationship for 4 years first, taking it quite slow. I moved in and unfortunately was made redundant, which meant our plans to buy a joint house together got put on hold for longer than intended.

Did he live their alone for a time before you lived together? Sorry, I'm not being picky but it does make a difference. I'm in your DHs shoes at the moment.

Good points about keeping it to a few key things. I didn't apologise this time as didn't trust myself to not be arsey. I normally would, but this time it was the aggression particularly from DSD that I felt was very wrong. I get that teenagers live in a different world to everyone else, and realise they are still on the come down from exams. I've been through teenage years with my own DDs, but they wouldn't just help themselves to stuff without asking, any more than I would at their homes. I will try to have a proper chat with DH when we get some alone time. I think the idea of a housework rota is a pipe-dream, but the car is mine, so I have control over that. They aren't little kids anymore and I think the car may become unavailable.

About 4 years before I moved in for 18 months and then we bought a house together. I moved from another part of the country because his DCs were still at school. Mine were at uni.