Feeling unexpectedly lost and confused - retirement related. (long)

[ExConstance]

DH and I have been married 33 years this summer and have two sons. Both sons are single, the oldest is in good employment and lives in a shared flat, the youngest has just left uni and is at home while he hunts for his first job. We have a happy marriage and both still fancy each other, we are quite young in our ways ( and I'm told appearance) we are both now 60. Dh has worked for the same employer since before I met him and has been regularly promoted and has a pretty good income. I earn a fair bit less but still quite good, he is public sector and I'm private. His pension arrangements are far more healthy than mine.
We have recently been looking at houses with a view to downsizing, perhaps paying off our small remaining bit of mortgage and having more fun. At the weekend we looked at some very nice new houses but instead of feeling optimistic and happy I just felt worried and upset. The new houses were quite small but in a great location, quite scenic but a short bike ride into a very nice town with lots going on. I could only think of negatives, like having to get rid of stuff etc.
DH then announced that he was thinking of retiring next year, he has worked out that if he pays off the mortgage from savings we won't be much worse off as he has a good public sector pension. He did imply that I would need to keep on working but that he would do all the housework and clean my car and thinks he would get an income from teaching his hobby ( which he teaches a few hours a week at the moment, and is very good at)

It should sound lovely and be exciting but all I feel is tearful and lost. I don't have the greatest job on earth it is difficult and stressful, but I've always worked and the thought of not working makes me panic.

Today I can't settle at work and feel anxious. Why doesn't what could be a lovely life with a new house, retirement on the horizon and a happy DH with plenty of time to do all the things he wants to make me happy? Even when I think of the alternative, of working until we are state pension age I still feel worried and unhappy.

You are happy now; any change risks that. There is some pride in striving and the thought of unlimited leisure may be scary. I understand your trepidation perfectly.

Do you want to retire as well? Would it be possible for you to work part time while your husband is retired?

Could you compromise with your husband on the house front, maybe move to a reasonably large house, or stay put in your current home?

If you are going to continue working it is very important not to be in a very small house with a long commute. Working can be stressful enough even when all is going well at home.

Think I'd make sure you were both in a position to retire together. As it is your dh is calling all the shots and I can see why that might throw you. That way it's then up to you when you retire and not your dh.

I am not surprised you feel both worried and unhappy. I would also be concerned about him suggesting too that you would keep working whilst he did all the housework, clean your car and teach as a hobby; none of that may come to fruition and he would need to register on teaching websites. What qualifications does he have in order to teach and what age group too?. Worst case here is that you would work and still do the vast majority of the chores.

Is he looking to move away some distance away from where you reside currently; do you know anyone in this new locality?. What is there to do there in terms of facilities?. Are there good public transport links, is there a variety of things to do in town, what about the GP, opticians, doctors, dentists, cinema and variety of shops other than charity or coffee shops?. The potential for you feeling lonely and resentful because of this is huge.

How far is the short bike ride into town; is that all on level ground? How realistic is it that he would get on a bike on a regular basis and cycle into town?. The scenic location to me suggests a degree of isolation and somewhere where a car is a necessity, not just a must have. A short bike ride into town is going to be awful in winter or bad weather; a location like he is suggesting here could make you more socially isolated. And when was the last time he rode a bicycle that sort of distance?.

My dh and I retired and moved 3 yrs ago.
I would agree, his financial plan which includes you continuing to work sounds unpleasant. So financially I'd work on a better "deal" maybe both of you work one year more and pay off the mortgage? Something that doesn't mean you have to work.
Our trio of children had been on their own 10 yrs, it gets easier to thin out the house the longer they are gone.
We had our "exit plan" in place as a rough concept for 10 years, 3 years before our set date we ramped up the thinning and became more active with the plan the last 12 months was busy steady with moving.

No, the problem is that the suggestion is quite a good one, if he was taking advantage I'd feel justified in being miffed, as it is I can't understand why I feel this way. It would be very outing to say what he teaches, he does this already and turns away work, he is very good at it and it is very much in demand. We have always split the housework until we got a cleaner and I'm 100% certain he would do anything he promised. the lovely town is somewhere I've always wanted to live, lots going on, great train connections, and only 2 miles from where I work. The beauty of these houses is that they are in a very pretty spot but you can walk to Waitrose, any number of restaurants and pubs etc. in 10-15 minutes.

We couldn't afford a big house in this town as it is getting very expensive with people moving there from London and people seeing it as an alternative to Bristol, but surely a small 4 bed new build should be big enough for us and 2 sons who visit quite often?

Probably I need to think about adjusting, very few of my old friends work now and maybe I'm so stuck in the hamster wheel I can't believe there is a way out! I was thinking of saying to him that I would want to retire 12 months after him and it seems a bit soon at present but I hadn't previously given any thought to leaving before 66, my state pension age. He was bit quiet last night because he could see I was upset, he said he just wanted to make me happy, usually he is a real sweetie like that.

We have always been very independent. I suppose it is the thought that we are reaching the end of our working lives anyway which is a bit disturbing. For a very brave and independent person I find it quite strange that this perturbs me.

Out2pasture - a 3 year exit plan sounds good - it will probably take me that long to come to terms with it all anyway.

"Nice new houses" - probably less maintenance for the future years

"You continue to work" - for how many years ?
You may enjoy working, not only for the money, but for other reasons too

Downsizing and paying off mortgage - sounds like a good plan, what other plans do you have for the future ?

Is the new house on a bus route ?

How far are nearest shops / facilities ?

Moving house is a big decision
I would double crunch all the numbers, including how much to move and buy new house
Plus how much it would cost for luxuries like future holidays

"stuff" can be recycled and new or second hand can be purchased

FWIW I have recently moved and I have looked at it as an adventure !

I'm a nurse and took my earliest unreduced pension at 57 dh reached his numbers years of service and age at 57. Both of us have defined pension plans.
At the ten year mark we bought an empty lot. At the 3 year mark we settled on a house plan, meanwhile the children were fully aware of the planning and thinning of household goods began. 18 months in we told our employers, 12 months reminded our employers sold the house to people who were going to use it as a rental. And rented our same house (freeing up capital to build).

I'm It sounds as though it may be too much change too quickly. You sound as though you've had vague thoughts about what to do in retirement ie have fun, but not really considered how and where this is going to happen and what retirement will look like.
So talk about plans as well as dreams.
Is moving house essential to making the most of your future? Some good points about location are made above!
Giving up your jobs simultaneously? Can be tricky. How's your husband at housework generally? Can he do it to your satisfaction? How would a reduction in both your hours work? Try to consider why you're worried about giving up work, not just now but even later. Are you worried that life after work won't have any structure, you won't be part of a team/group. You could try volunteering on a regular basis, joining a hobby group, perhaps being on the committee?
Just some random thoughts from someone who is already retired. You know the old comment about 'I don't know how I ever had time to go to work'? It's true.

New build houses can be full of snagging issues and problems associated with overall build quality. This would all take time and money to sort out.

I would put any move on hold and also look at doing an exit plan associated with retiring. It is said that people should think about all this around 10 or so years before retirement happens. I would not think many people do that however.

Sixty is not that old honestly. 80 plus is regarded as elderly these days and many 60 year olds are still working. I think he would soon get tired of doing all the housework and cleaning the car (neither is going to take bags of time during the day) and besides which you have made use of a cleaner previously. How much time would he devote to his hobby going forward as well?.

Waitrose (particularly if that is the only supermarket so no competition) and the like are also going to be and seem more expensive too on a reduced income. And a 15 minute walk each way with shopping bags (with or without accompanying rain) can seem a long way too. How convenient are these houses to town, are they on a bus route?. Is a car a necessity?

We have 2 cars and would continue to do so, busses not an issue, it was the walk/cycle along the path into town that was a big attraction. I like new houses, our current house was new when we moved in. I would get more involved with local politics, go to the gym do art and crafts and probably spend more time with friends as it is a good place for visitors. all this is a nice thought but not just yet! I wouldn't want to give up work for another 4 years at least. I was offered a new job against stiff competition earlier this year ( didn't take it for logistic reasons) so there is still some career left in me! Probably I just expect life to be difficult and find it hard to accept it may be time to live the dream in the next few years.

You have two issues: retirement and moving house.

My H took early retirement nearly 10 years ago. I have continued to work, part time but substantial. You're not ready to retire yet, he's not expecting you to, so don't. I do think you should be thinking about how to bolster your pension though. All available family funds should be thrown at your pension from now until you retire. Because of tax relief, every £800 you contribute to an AVC will be worth £1000 plus the interest which accrues. It is the most profitable secure method of investment. There is a yearly limit, but it's generous.

With regards to the house move, you list a lot of advantages. The two negatives you mention are having to get rid of stuff and concerns about whether it will be big enough for your visiting sons. It sounds like the latter won't be a problem. There are enough bedrooms and in a new build, presumably more than one bathroom. That'll be fine. Getting rid of stuff - is it drastically smaller? 4 beds doesn't sound small to me but I guess if you live in a mansion, it would be a big adjustment.

But really, you can list all the positives but if you don't want to live there, you don't have to. Sometimes a house can tick all your sensible boxes but you just don't warm to it and that feeling is important.

These are very important big life decisions and if you aren't ready, that's OK. Take some time to think.

We had a long talk last night. A is in fact very nearly a year older than me and I tend to forget that as we are the same age for part of a year. My father died, fairly suddenly after a short illness when he was 63 and DH has said that he does dwell on that a bit and think that he does want some years of retirement before he dies ( morbid) . There will be some big changes where he works early next year and he will be getting a quite big bonus if he stays on to see them through, then he wonders if they might offer his retirement/redundancy with a deal once the new arrangements are settled in. He thinks if that happens he may as well leave, being influenced a bit by some of his colleagues who feel this way too. I hadn't actually thought it through in those terms myself but as he may well be 63 himself by the time all this is resolved it would be a good time to go.

I'd see myself working on for at least a couple of years beyond that. He has lots of interests that don't involve me such as long distance walking and the subject matter of his classes. We often go on separate holidays as riding is my big passion.

Now all this is out in the open it doesn't seem such a bad idea. Plan one of us both working flat out to 66 (when of course he would be nearly 67 when I retired) leaves us very open to reduced years of healthy retirement. The money will stack up. One of the advantages of having a mortgage that runs into our 60's and a son who is only going to become financially independent this month is that our retirement income without these expenses (and huge pension contributions) looks very doable.
The town we will probably move to has many advantages, you can walk to a live music menu, lots of independent shops, classes, two good fitness centres and we know a few people there. I've worked there in the past and always thought it would be a good place to live, I'm sick of having to get in the car to go anywhere at all from the very quiet village where we live now.

Thank you for the hand holding, being stuck in the hamster wheel has given me somewhat blinkered vision.