DH is a mummy's boy and it's ruining our relationship

[KyleLilYachty]

MIL has never liked me. In the 5 years ive been with DH, she's been polite mostly but doesn't say much to me. DH is her pfb and nobody is good enough. Actually, he seems to be the favourite of the entire family and they all told me before the wedding that he was amazing and I'd better be good to him. And then at our wedding, his mother said precisely NOTHING to me.

MIL has always said little passive agressive things to DH about me. Lately, it has become burningly obvious that MIL thinks I am lazy and don't do enough housework and that I leave everything to DH. Now I don't know whether this has come from DH, or if she's somehow convinced him, but now DH has started making jibes about my perceived lack of housework. (FYI I do almost all of the housework). DH has also started saying how little I do with DS (2) and how awful I am with money. It's all getting too much for me. I don't know whether it's coming from him or her but I am fed up of it and I don't want to have to put up with the way I'm spoken to/about.

What do you say when he says this to you?

It probably is coming from his mother but have you ever addressed her comments or behaviour with her or him?

Do you know dh you sound just like your dm. .??
And repeat. .

He thinks she can do no wrong and won't have a bad word said about her

He's patronising and condesending and swears at me. SHe thinks he does no wrong. For example he gets terrible road rage and swears and beeps at other cars. I was chatting to him and her about a particular incident of road rage of his and I said how he shouldn't do it but she defended it and said it's totally acceptable when the other car deserves it. I think it's awful myself!

The thing is op you married him presumably already knowing this. Changing the goal posts at this late stage may be futile.
But do remind him that he made vows to you - not his dm. .

It's only become apparent since having DS

Sorry didn't see twatism post above - unless you want your ds having this attitude I would suggest he moves back in with dm. .

DH sounds abusive and horrible. Why are you with him? Sounds like he uses you as a skivvy, denigrates you and gangs up with his awful mother against you.

Mine, that's precisely how I'm feeling lately. I really am unsure wtf I am supposed to do

Do the Freedom Programme (click 'find a course' to find a course near you).

I wish everyone would do this course, just to get it clear what is and isn't abuse. So I'm not saying he's abusive but do the course to clear your head and just get it straight.

That said, he doesn't sound great. Understatement. Yes she may be a sick sort of person but it's not her you married - it's his job to protect you not to side with her against you.

This won't change, OP. This is who he is. I'd be looking at ways of getting away, tbh.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What has kept you to date within this at all?.

What do you think your son is learning from the two of you about relationships?. He will not at all benefit from seeing this toxic and abusive dynamic in front of him daily; he could well become a carbon copy of his father and start disrespecting you verbally as well. His nan could also go onto further manipulate him into not liking you as his mother as much. DO not think that would not happen to you.

I would agree with the recommendation to enrol on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.

I would now want to get away from both him and his mother; they deserve each other. What you describe here is abuse from the two of them; the rotten apple that is he did not fall far from his dysfunctional family of origin. He learnt a lot of damaging stuff from her which he has normalised through her own conditioning of him.

The red flags re his family and he were also there before you got married and her behaviour at your wedding was appalling. You probably however, come from a nice emotionally healthy family so this type of familial dysfunction was unknown to you. You either minimised it, excused it or simply not recognised it as abuse.

This is not going to get better for you and these two would have acted the same regardless of whom your DH married. The facts too that she can do no wrong and won't hear a word said against her are also telling; after all he is the golden child here and people from dysfunctional families do end up playing roles. That was the one assigned to him but what he does not realise is that the golden child role is one also not without price.

Read this link as well:-

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

It sounds like he thinks as little of you as your MIL does.

You deserve better.

I'd stop doing any housework that benefits him (eg his washing, buying his toiletries, buying groceries for his meals, any cooking for him) until he a polo guises and changes his attitude towards you.

Apologises **

This is who he is OP: he is not going to apologise or change for you or anyone else. He is basically a carbon copy of his own dysfunctional mother.

Cmon op, you know how to deal with a bully right? You stand up to them. Next time he does it tell him to fuck right off and do it himself in future.

My husband would love it if I was more inclined to be housewife like ( whilst being the main breadwinner also) any time he came out with any nonsense he got short shrift, usually along the lines of " stop being a wanker, or what's actually wrong with you, or if you don't like it do it yourself, or even go fuck yourself it's not the 1920s or you can go back and live with your mother you twat" , you soon find they stop it.

Honestly don't tolerate that shit. Short, sharp, don't tolerate the conversation, and move on, he swears at you, you swear back and close the conversation. The only way to deal with a bully is to stand up to them and fight fire with even bigger fire.

Dump him. He sounds dreadful…he swears at you, he criticises you, he patronises you, he doesn’t recognise the work you do around the house. What does he do that’s so brilliant it buys him the right to do this?

Mummy’s boys are the worst. Their attitudes go to the bone. They're brought up by women who run round doing everything for them, so they'll usually try and recreate this dynamic in their own homes. Then every time they go back and see mummy, they'll gets their ideas reinforced, when she a) continues to run round after them; b) criticises the partner for not being as attentive; or c) does both.

That being said, I think a witchy mother-in-law is often a smokescreen for a bad partner. If she is being rude to you, it is because HE is allowing her to be rude. If he acted like a proper partner, and stood up for you, she wouldn't feel able to do this.

You don't have a MIL problem, you have a not so dear H problem, his mother is just icing on an already an unpleasant cake.

They're made up there mind about you so don't bother trying convince them otherwise. However, the balls in your court but think very carefully about the terrible role model that your marriage is setting your son.

Parenthood has the uncanny knack of bringing out the arsehole in some men. These weak pathetic types, have to wait till they think you're trapped before revealing their true selves because it gives them a tactical advantage.

Personally, I'd put him on notice, step the f up or f the f* off.

Sounds like he is on the way to becoming financially and emotionally abusive.

Do you have access to joint account / family money? Do you work or are you a SAHM? Why does he not help with any housework? What does he do on weekends?

It seems many men have a very fixed idea about what it is to be a mother, which they suddenly and unexpectedly apply to their wives / partners when they become mothers. Often having seemed like decent and equal partners previously.

Did you see any hint of this before?

Challenge, challenge and challenge!

Christ, he's a complete loser. Hits lots of the points in that link. What does the freedom programme do? Is it free? Does it take long? Was a sahm but recently got a part time job thankfully.

I bet he did hit lots of points in that link; your reference to his road rage caused me to put that link up for you to read.

I believe the Freedom Programme is free to use and is also available online. I would do this programme in person however, if at all possible.

I sincerely hope that you ultimately manage to get yourself and your son away from this toxic environment.