Male, married, unhappy, surely, uncommunicative, me

[jimmylimmy]

Hi
I have been reading the posts here for quite a long time, especially all the relationship stuff. My reason for signing up was to ask for advice, but as I'm fairly sure the reaction will be "you're a selfish cunt" I was thinking of asking something slightly different. I want to say what my behaviour is like and then see if I am normal (nope!), narcissistic (pretty sure my parents were), a bully, a child, a controller... a selfish cunt ?????

My wife and I have always had a cycle of very large arguments, about once every 2-3 months. She is very open, short-tempered and vocal whereas I am a bit introverted and clueless about her emotional state and my own - I can't really feel whether I'm happy,sad, or what unless I really sit down and think carefully, it just doesn't seem like a natural thing I have. So you can imagine a fairly quiet introvert and a fairly unstable extrovert are probably not a great mix to start with.
Anyway, I wanted to state what my reactions are to DWs outbursts and see whether I am really a bad person, or a person with 'issues' as they say. Examples:
When we have an argument, I initially try and ngage and usually feel like she's being overly picky or unreasonable, then I feel totally rageful. I want to throw the TV through the window, I physically shake but I don;t do or say anything. So what I do is walk out, with her shouting at me I need to talk, and I stay out for several hours, perhaps wonder round B&Q in a daze or just drive around in tears. During this all I can think about is how our marriage is over, she hates me, I am useless peace of shit, I should kill myself, I should leave her and find a more attractive woman, I should live as a recluse, I should try being gay, I should go with prostitutes, I should have kids by now... my mind swirls and swirls its mad shit. Eventually I go home and say I am sorry and we embrace and I think how lucky I am to have her and how she was right all along.

I think if she was to tell you what I'm like as a person she would say something like: good step dad, kind, good lover, funny, intelligent, solvent, poor communicator, terrible under emotional pressure, mean when confronted with a relationship issue, but basically a good husband (I think).

Blimey, I'm realising this thread is a bit vague... my question is, how odd do you think I sound, do you have or had partners like this - that would be very useful to know....

I should probably add she is not perfect. She is kind, an amazing mother, almost a councillor at times, short fused, temperamental, indecisive, uncompromising but basically a lovely person.

FInally, the real reason I have crated this thread (it's occuring to me as I go along) is that the last few times these episodes have happened, I haven't felt like making up and I almost feel content to leave for good. This has alarmed me as I never thought that would happen and since it has, my DW has become more reasonable an willing to compromise more, which I feel weird about as it almost seems like me being colder has made her more reasonable. Am I a controlling narcissist if so?

Well I wouldn't say your a selfish cunt lol. Do you think your marriage is worth saving if so maybe a marriage councillor could help but then marriage can be strange at times one minute your happy the next not so happy perhaps go out for a meal maybe your DW feels she has let you down.

I don't know whether not doing/saying anything after an argument is a good thing or not? Would she like you to stay and talk instead of going out? At least you're not throwing your weight around, hitting her etc, instead you're leaving the situation. But it sounds like she just wants to talk to you. You say afterwards that you embrace and make up but it sounds as though you need to both air your thoughts and talk about these arguments, otherwise you're just going to go round in circles and resent eachother.

You need help because your normal sounds highly dysfunctional and destructive. Do you seriously think that During this all I can think about is how our marriage is over, she hates me, I am useless peace of shit, I should kill myself, I should leave her and find a more attractive woman, I should live as a recluse, I should try being gay, I should go with prostitutes, I should have kids by now... my mind swirls and swirls its mad shit. is normal?

I couldn't give a flying fig about your 'issues' but if there are children witnessing this slow car crash, then that's grossly unfair on them. If you want a diagnosis, contact a qualified professional.

You and your wife have choices, the children in your care don't.

Your inability to communicate and the thoughts you have following arguments are pretty dysfunctional. I also note you have said you're mean when confronted with relationship issues. You haven't elaborated on that but I'm guessing it would be interesting to hear your wife's description of how that meanness manifests itself. You definitely need counselling, probably as a couple and alone as none of this sounds healthy

I don't think you're a selfish cunt, nor a controlling narcissist (based on how you've pitched your post) - if you were you wouldn't be doing all this navel gazing, and you certainly wouldn't give a toss how she feels.

Speaking as a passive person who prefers to avoid confrontation, walking away when things get too much is quite normal as far as I know, and infinitely better than launching the TV out the window.

It looks as though you both have entirely different ways of dealing with conflict. The question is, are you both prepared to compromise to make this work? Do you still love her?

What are you actually arguing about?

It sounds as if you're describing emotional dysregulation. Have a google

Have you considered whether you might be autistic?

Being unaware of your own emotions is called alexithymia and is often linked to ASD. So are the introversion and possibly the anger/rage.

Though it does sound as if your wife has some anger management issues too.

I'm not a extrovert or as volatile as your DW, but I can see a sliver of what you describe in my own marriage.

DH is very unemotional (most likely undiagnosed autistic), and withdraws from 'arguments'.

In the early days of our relationship I didn't deal with this well, trying to badger him into engaging with issues by escalating the argument and getting emotional. It felt like him not engaging was a sign he didn't care.

Once I realised this is just the way he deals with confrontation I kind of 'got over' it. It still irritates me that 'I'm annoyed by x' gets a blank face, but I just tend to skip to how I'd like to move forward, which tends to get a 'yes, dear'.

It's not perfect and I end up feeling like I'm a bit controlling/nagging. But, I think he's just not that bothered about the small stuff and I tell myself he'll speak up if it's something he actually has an opinion on.

I don't know if any of that sounds familiar? Or if it's helpful (not sure how you'd go about telling your DW that there's no point arguing with you and to just tell you what she wants to happen).

I think your swirling thoughts after an argument sound like anxiety, possibly triggered by confrontation? The intensity of it definitely sounds like it might be worth seeing your GP.

Can you afford therapy / counselling, either on your own or with your partner? You don't sound like a bad person, but you do sound confused and unhappy, and this is unlikely to change for the better unless you get some help.

Best of luck.

I think your very extreme, angry reaction to criticism is something you can learn to control, so that you can communicate better with your wife in these situations rather than walking out and then suffering what must be a very undermining series of thoughts about your lack of worth. It will probably take a good counsellor and a few sessions, but there is no reason why you need to remain trapped in this prison of reactions forever. You can choose to change how you deal with conflict, which will really help not only your marriage, but any other situation of disagreement you find yourself in.

The thoughts of suicide, running away etc sound very familiar to me when I argue with my partner. I suffer from severe depression and this is part of it.

I'm on medication and my partner also has MH issues so we can be understanding to each other.

I don't think arguments can be resolved without some discussions about why they happened, how they can be prevented in future, people apologising and taking responsibility.

If you find it impossible to discuss these things with your wife without throwing things then PLEASE see your GP.

Suicidal thoughts and rage are not normal, OP.

It sounds like you both need to learn to take responsibility for your own emotions. Otherwise you will remain uncompatible, through this relationship or the next.

Single counselling, for a year or two, no less, may help.

Incompatible

No I don't think you are a controlling narcissist. I do think that you are suffering and that your thoughts in particular (and actions) are part of this. It sounds like your mind is going a great job at beating you up. Would you consider finding a therapist? And also, learning some skills of regulation and also self-acceptance (especially when the 'out of control' painful thoughts come)? DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) can be really helpful. You deserve happiness, whatever relationship situation you are in.

*doing not going

Thank you all, especially gandalfspants and Livalot22. I am an anxious person in some situations and I don't really feel my emotions unless they are at extreme heightened levels. I walk away because I know if I don't then my violent urges will come out as mean mean horrible comments about her or our relationship. I hurt her if I'm forced to confront her in a discussion, so over the years I think I've learnt to just walk away until I calm down. The thing is I am not sure if what she gets worked up about is reasonable, tho obviously my reaction is bad I know. For example, I don't generally like films, I prefer books or TV. So whenever we see a film and I generally say what I didn't like she will get very cross and say why can't I just enjoy our evening or find something positive etc. SO now I feel a little on egg shells. If we see a film then I know to say something good or non-committal but avoid being out and out negative. I resent this, it feels controlling. Tho I also realise it must be annoying to have a negative partner too. Basically I am tired of trying to adjust my (admittadly rather odd) behaviour and I am beginning to crave to be alone, whereas when we met and for most of our years together I craved not being alone even tho we fall out a lot.

How often is normal to fall out in a big argument?

Why is it these issues are only coming to light now? Have you always been negative? Have you always felt controlled?

I think you do need to address the aggression you feel, I don't think the is normal.

We don't actually fall out or have big arguments anymore now we know how to interact, I don't think it's really normal at all in a table relationship.

Are a lot of your arguments about how you spend time together?

We used to take it in turns to decide how we spent time, within reason. So though we each have things we don't like (he doesn't like watching emotional films, I don't like watching more than two episodes of 'how it's made' back to back), and would avoid doing those in together time, other than that we just went with the other's decision. I think each of you need to be able to say I don't want to watch / do that and be respected.

You also need alone time to do the things the other doesn't like.

Now we have DD we don't get a lot of together time, so he watches stuff with earphones in while I read mostly!

I think you need to sit down with you DW and calmly discuss how much time you spend alone and apart, and what things you're not willing to do in together time, and see if you both think you can come to an agreement.

Apologies for typos, DD was 'helping'.

There is no 'normal' number of times for big arguments as everyone is different. Many people would say that it's healthier to let off steam than to bottle stuff up and breed resentment.

However, having the same or similar argument over and over is not good. Neither of you is learning anything or changing your behaviours after making up. Why, for example do you go to the cinema together if you hate films? I love art and dh doesn't so I do galleries with girlfriends. We aren't joined at the hip.

You need to get some help with minging your anger. This rage isn't good and must be scary for those around you. Your dw also needs help in how you both communicate and what you expect of each other.

In answer to the question, after 30 years we've had about 5 huge rows I can recall. Plenty of bickers and minor disagreements but almost never the sort of escalation you describe. If he really angers me I tell him and vice versa.

I've just remembered the worst row in our marriage. It was after moving house which was quite stressful. We fell out over where to position the washing line. We both shouted that time.

That was 15 years ago.

Ha yes i could imagine we would fall out over a washing line position. And actually we hsve been very bad since we moved house a couple of years ago. Thst was s geim time snd maybe we've nevrr fully recovered. I am not as bad as i dound on here, i think... vould be wrong. She in my opinion likes yo grt her own way snd doesn't like me having strong opinions. Thanks for the good for thought. I think maybe i am just tired of trying. Probably not her fault or mine (maybe ) but i am starting to daydream of living alone. It scares me as i am not sure it is a true and reliable want and also because i am weak mentally in that my DW is/was my crutch and i am her rock, or was... Maybe we've just reached the natural end and i don't like the feel of it.

I genuinely think some relationship counselling is in order. I don't think you sound controlling or narcissistic but its hard to tell from your post. It does sound like you argue too much and that its not just a minor argument either so that definitely is not a good sign.
I don't think either of you understands the other and this is where talking it out with a profession might help.