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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

marriage advice

7 replies

Livalot22 · 03/07/2017 11:01

In bloody agony, wondering whether to leave marriage for someone else or not. Been struggling with DH, possibly normal marriage stuff, possibly something deeper. Intimacy issues, connection issues, feeling lonely (feeling like a walking cliche). Struggle with his moodiness and angry outbursts (never violent and not that frequent but hate them anyway). Also with wanting more physical touch sex and intimacy than him and feeling rejected. Made the schoolgirl stupid mistake of allowing something to develop with someone else, whom I love. Need to stop asap since shitty way to be with someone and love him. Gave me some confidence that I could be ok on my own, attraction, validation, connection, intimacy.... all the stuff I long for in my marriage... but the idea of leaving DH for someone else still feels messy. Also want to be mentally in a good place for my kids and does not feel right to leave until have tried everything, plus does not take much for me to not be present with the kids and being ok for them has got to be my number one priority. Do not want to put a bomb under everyone's life. Struggling with the idea of going back to feeling constantly rejected by mismatched sex drives in the marriage and with dealing with feeling alone, although right thing to do morally, ethically etc. Love my husband very much and we have been through a lot, we have much in common, we understand eachother, and when we are both in a good place things are great (when we are both in a dark place we have mostly learnt to work around it). But the idea of begging for sex for next 30 years also feels agony. Any advice?

OP posts:
VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 03/07/2017 11:04

Would you leave to set up without the other man? Why not get out, be single for a bit and see whether OM sticks around - he may run when you leave your husband.

If you're leaving, leave for yourself not someone else.

Livalot22 · 03/07/2017 11:06

I don't know. Mature me knows that I should know that I would leave to be on my own not just to run into the arms of someone else. I'm not honestly sure if can live with the anger and sex issues, it is an I don't know at the moment. Acting out me wants a pair of arms around me. Guess I just need space from the affair to get strong again and make a decision. Thanks for your reply.

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wherearemymarbles · 03/07/2017 11:10

Anger and sex issues possibily related, ie he doesnt fancy you, wants to leave, cant do so is frustrated and hence anger.

I would suggest some straight talking.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 03/07/2017 11:11

Space from the affair sounds reasonable. But what about space from the marriage? Both are causing you difficulties really. I'm not counselling you to leave your husband, but if he had an affair, would you take him back?

Livalot22 · 03/07/2017 11:14

Yes, space from all of it maybe. Hmmm interesting. Maybe the anger and sex issues are related, although they were both always there in him from the outset. Straight talking a good idea, though I sense that if I tell him about this explicitly it will just blow a bomb in everything. Would I take him back? Yes, potentially. It depends.... I would like to know what prompted it, what he was feeling.

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Finola1step · 03/07/2017 11:14

I think you owe it to yourself, your dh and your marriage to have some space from both DH and OM. Only then, over time, will you be able to work out what you really want.

Livalot22 · 03/07/2017 12:05

Yep. Probably right.

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