I have cried more today than I thought possible

[OhSoSad]

And still am as I write this :(.

I realised some time ago that my marriage would not last forever. However, for the sake of the children I'd imagined sticking it out a bit longer.

A year ago I was contacted by an old flame who was newly single. We chatted casually at first then more regularly and he confessed he'd always regretted us breaking up and still thought of me as 'the one'. I hadn't thought about him much over the years but wierdly had a recurring dream in which he appeared.

We've been talking regularly and become very close, I guess you'd call it an emotional affair. He's never promised me anything or encouraged me to change my situation but talking to him made me realise so many things and a few months ago things came to a head with H. We've agreed to separate and things are fairly amicable, I think we both know the relationship has run its course.

Last weekend I met my old friend in person for the first time. I felt guilty about our contact and told myself seeing him would help me know how I felt, I was convinced I wouldn't find him attractive irl. Couldn't have been more wrong. I was completely blown away by my feelings for him, I just wanted to touch him, hold him, never let him go but for a variety of reasons nothing happened more than a kiss which I initiated.

Since we met he has told me that he doesn't want a relationship at the moment. Having recently come out of a long bad marriage he just wants to put himself and his kids first and thinks I should do the same. He says he doesn't want to be with anyone now but maybe one day and thinks too much of me to lead me on although he wants to stay good friends.

I know he is right and to be fair he never led me to think it would be any different (apart from some more flirty messages) but it feels like he's broken my heart. I didn't end my marriage for him but I think he felt like a safety net and now that is gone. Naively I'd assumed because I was 'the one' he'd jump at the chance to be with me but I was wrong.

I don't want or need another relationship right now but my feelings for him have spiralled completely out of control. I know this is in part due to living in a loveless marriage for years, I am just so desperate for some affection.

I can't eat or sleep, all I can do is cry but I hate myself because I should be mourning the end of my marriage not something that never was. It confirms I was right to break though, I have never ever felt like this about H even in the early years.

I ended my marriage because I wanted freedom and choices and excitement but because I went about it the wrong way I feel I'm being punished. I deserve it but it's so hard. I hadn't thought through what it would be like to be alone because I'd imagined my friend to be there in the background. Now I have nothing but only myself to blame.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You may not feel it but you are grieving for the end of your marriage and this OM has reminded you what it feels like to be wanted, getting attention etc. You will be fine but give yourself time to work things out in your head and be extra gentle with yourself. I honestly promise you things will look up. Just look after yourself first.

I don't think it's all about this OM. He could've been anyone . It's your need for some affection that's clouding your judgement . I had been in a relationship with a Narcissist for 7 yrs who withheld affection to punish me. I left that relationship and I fell for the first guy to show me any attention. I needed affection and I confused that with my feelings for him. I was desperate for a cuddle after a hard day . Someone to just ask if I was ok . After so long living like an emotional robot I wanted to feel normal again and maybe this is the same for you. This OM has bought normal feelings back into your life. Don't beat yourself up. Just be thankful you are soon gonna be out the marriage and it will start to get better for you. Don't tie yourself down with someone who doesn't seem to know what he wants. Good luck for the future .

I think you should try and change your mind set. Be thankful OM came among, he's reinforced that you have definitley done the right thing ending your marriage, he's shown you emotions in you to remind you what to look forward to in the future with someone else. He's right, you need some time to be single, find yourself again, this is first step to your new life! Are you in a position you can book a little holiday or something similar to look forward to?

I think your 'old friend' has been quite cruel, indulging in an emotional affair for a year, then meeting you and deciding not to see you again. No wonder you are upset.

OM is not a "friend", he was an ex prospective bf, and has not treated you well, so take the "friends" option off the table and stop contact with him. He can get in touch if/when he wishes to date again, by which time you may not be interested.

Don't feel guilty for not "mourning" your marriage - you might have "moved on" before ending the relationship or be transferring some of the emotions to the situation with OM.

Someone behaving badly towards you isn't karma or "punishment" for your affair: people just do all sorts! You were naive to think OM was a "safety net".

I also think your friend is a wanker, who used you as an emotional crutch and to boost his self esteem while he was separating. He contacts you, tells you he's always thought of you as the one... Spends a year getting close to you again... And tells you he doesn't want a relationship once you actually meet face to face.

No, he used you and played you. He did lead you on.

That said, I agree with others -- never mind. What's important for you is your feelings that have been stirred up, which lead you to take the next step.

You sound like the kind of person who lines up relationships - doesn't leave one, without having another to jump in to lined up. That's not healthy.

You won't be alone when you separate. You have your children to keep you strong.

You aren't mourning your marriage because it was already dead and you've done your grieving before it ended.

Regarding your old flame. You're upset about what could have been, not the actual man because nothing ever happened. Also, it feels safer to go to something than not (been there) but actually you don't need it and you'll make better choices once you're on your own, happy and confident. It'll give you the chance to meet someone who is right for you and not an old flame who wasn't right years ago and has proved himself not right now either.

Sounds like it's a good thing your marriage is over, and the world is your oyster for the future!

For example, being single could be a good thing.

Sounds like he is trying to use you for sex - I don't want a relationship just now usually means that, and if it's an emotional affair from a distance he probably is in another relationship or has other women on the go.

I broke up with my H in similar circumstances, I was chatted up by a old friend, had feelings for him that I never felt for H. So I decided to leave H even though I knew deep down i couldn't have a relationship with this other man, after I split with H I slept with the other man a few times, the sex was brilliant but then he told me that it would never be any more than that, I was very upset but I got over it quite quickly, realised I was single (at last) and I got out there and enjoyed myself. I'm still single and although some days are tough I am getting used to being alone and I quite enjoy it.

This guy sounds like he has led years u on a bit, he should have been clearer from the start and shouldn't have asked you to meet up with him, I wouldn't see him as a friend.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think it's important to recognise that what you're feeling is not all about the OM. It's about the whole end of your marriage, and the inevitable scariness of those feelings of making a new start.

I think many of us have tried to avoid grief at some point in our lives, whether for a person, a marriage, a situation or any other kind of loss. It's a terribly painful thing, and the idea that it can be abridged is very seductive. However, it seldom works out that any of us get a 'free pass' to skip the grieving stage. Often it happens just like you describe - that we are merely storing the emotions up to hit us harder at a later point.

Please allow yourself some time to be sad. You've been through a lot. If you can afford it, maybe think about some counselling to help you talk this through. But allow yourself this time in the knowledge that IT DOES GET BETTER. What feels scary right now will feel like an opportunity on better days. By closing the book on one chapter of your life that didn't work, you're opening up the possibility for a new, better chapter in future. The transition is hard, but you can and will handle this.

If this chap starts contacting you again, be very careful. I think it's fairly likely he will, and he will use the "you're the one but I'm just not ready, I'm so fucked up" schtick to keep you hanging, full of sympathy and hope. Don't fall for it.

Grieve and put yourself back together. Life will be better. Enjoy being single, there is so much to be said for it.

Thank you all, you make so much sense. I am a complete mess but can see the sense in what you say.

I don't think OM meant to lead me on, he's pretty messed up himself, and it's not about sex because he had the chance and didn't take it. But he's not a great idea for lots of reasons, the same ones that meant we broke up before actually, and I know I need a fresh start without him or anyone else.

I am just so sad though, I realise now that he made me feel special - someone telling you they've loved you for 20 years and always will has a big impact, but now he's got the chance he doesn't want it. Him telling me that was what gave me the courage to end my marriage - not because I wanted him but because he made me realise I wasn't happy. How I feel now confirms that it was the right decision but the idea of being alone was so much easier when I thought I had him around :(

He's loved you for 20 years but doesn't want to see you again! Bollocks. I think you are being very kind about him under the circumstances. Don't keep in touch with him as he will mess with your head. You have to accept it and let the idea of being with him go.

He has played games with you and feeding you any old crap so he can use you, do not consider this creep a friend, he doesnt deserve the privilege.
Work on yourself, spend time alone. It seems overwhelming atm but in time you will feel so much better

Hang on, he contacted you, you chatted for a year, he said he still thought of you as "the one". Yet after you meet he says thanks but no thanks. I don't care how "messed up" he is I think he's been a git to be honest. Why did he contact you in the first place and sow the seed that something may develop?!

Maybe he didn't feel the chemistry or attraction to the degree you did?

I think peeps are being a little harsh her. What if the roles where reversed? I'm sure they both flirted. They both engaged emotionally.

I don't think he's a prick at all. He was honest. Now, if he rooted her then said let's be friends with benifits, that might indeed constitute a prick act.

I recently saw my friend who we mutually shared feelings, but never went out.

We've stayed friends, albeit distant. He came to my wedding and is friends with DH too.

Seeing him the other day made me realise how I'm glad we didn't go there. He's funny and can be really sweet but he has some very unattractive traits.

Perhaps focus on why you broke up in the first place? If those reasons are still there, it's not going to work.

I disagree with nearly everyone here - I think he's very sensible to want to focus on his kids.

It might've been an emotional affair for You OP but he might have just felt close and comfortable with you.

I can't see where he has done anything wrong, other than perhaps not making his intentions clear.

Nobody is in the wrong - but I think you should distance yourself from him, at least for a while.

Ohsosad I really feel for you because I've been exactly where you are right now. Exactly the same apart from the OM told me, after I'd left the ex, that he'd been lying and had a partner. I was absolutely devastated. I'd not left my ex for him but like you I'd relied on him for support and hoped once I was single something might happen. The pain and grief was overwhelming but I think it was also a lot of grief over the end of my last relationship too. Just let it all out and be kind to yourself. Don't contact OM at all, that's the way to get over it. Stay focused on you and over time it really will get better. I met my DP exactly a year later and we've been together 8 months now. I never would have imagined at that time my life being like this but keep hope and keep your chin up

I genuinely don't think he meant to hurt me or lead me on. He's just trying to get his life in order and sort out his priorities. I was there for him when he first left his wife and he says he'll be there for me now but he's never promised more. I guess I just assumed because of the 'I'll always love you' thing but that's not the same as wanting to commit to a new relationship is it.

Words are cheap. He nonetheless shouldn't have said those things when he didn't want a relationship with you.

He is not the right person to be "there for you" now: best stop contact with him and turn to your family (if they're supportive) and platonic, actual friends.

He wouldn't have known how he would feel after meeting up with you when he was first flirting. Maybe he feels guilty about the contact too or has had conflicting feelings.

Don't focus on him but don't hate him either, as you say he'll be trying to get his life in order now; he may well be going through an emotional time too. It sounds like you know what to do. Just look after yourself until you feel normal again :)