The tension when I am around my mother is just too much and I can't work out why it bothers me so much!!

[Cloud9889]

I have such a strange tense, uneasy almost frightened feeling around my mother. I think I have always felt fairly uneasy around her but since having children I have definetly noticed more, also more so since she has retired.
I just can't put my finger on why. She can and has been in the past quite dismissive of a view of its different to hers. I feel like she is incredibly needy at times. I feel this has gotten worse since she retired from a senior full time career a few years ago. I'm just not sure if it's me or her . I think she can be quite insulting at times and wanting her approval i do feel and find it difficult to voice any opinions around her. But I just feel so tense and uneasy around her does anyone have this around their mothers?
She sniggers at some of the things I say which is hard for me as I am fairly sensitive. I look up to her given the career she has had (although she has at times been quite down about what she supposedly has sacrificed for the family and how she only worked coz she has to - my dad was around but not earning as much as her..) she doesn't seem to emphasize much with people but seems to want empathy.
She can be quite cutting with her remarks. Part of me thinks I should be able to just brush her marks aside as I have a family of my own now but I'm finding it hard. I've had counselling .
I've only recently told her about my struggles with depression and anxiety but she very rarely asks me how I am if at all.
She does alot for us as a family and is nice as pie to my husband and generally nice to my children.
I'm just finding it hard to know why she makes rude remarks about my sister's and sometimes to me when she knows I'm finding it hard in life at the moment? I just can't imagine being like that to someone I loved.
As a child I felt loved by her at times although it was never said.

I feel like she is always judging me. And going by what she says about people behind their backs maybe she is?

Not sure why I am posting this it's just the tension I feel in her company and not knowing when or how to be to avoid the next insult is really hard for me.

A healthy relationship with a narcissist is impossible, and I believe that's what your mother is. You feel like you're walking in eggshells around her, you don't trust her, and you can't rely on her for support - of course being around her is miserable. I think you need to cut yourself a break and finally realize that you won't ever be able to change her, and your relationship with her will always be a superficial one. I'm so sorry for the hard time you're going through, but her issues have nothing to do with you. This is all her.

Thanks. It's strange for me to think of her as a narcissist as she cares alot about what others think and seems wary to tread on any ones toes - the only people it seems to me she doesn't value or care as much what they think is those close to her eg, her children and husband. Honestly she is not loud or gregarious which is what I always thought a narcissist would be like. We are away with them for a few days (hence maybe why I'm feeling so tense!) And I just told her I was going to bed early. She always seems to want me to stay up with them but it's just such hard work at times .. anyway when I told her I was going to bed she was just like 'oh why break the habit of a lifetime' even though I said I feel sick. I just feel bad now as feel like I'm being ungrateful ( we are staying in their house). Plus I do get to bed early most nights as I need my sleep as m exhausted from two young children but obviously that doesn't seem to matter to her... Grr

Narcissists can care deeply about how others see them , and will go a loooong way to impress. It's just that they won't take others feelings into a account.
It sound like you are in the habit of giving get your power ( I mean by being stressed by her controlling. Why should adults not decide when they go to bed?) . and that s not a judgement, I know it's really hard.

Sorry posted too early. Look up NARC personality disorder, see what you recognise. I've really had to learn to stand up for myself, my disuse has stopped all communication with her.

Best of luck with it op.

Have a read of the stately homes thread. There are many ways to be a narc.

I also imagine it upsets you because it shouldn't be this way. You see other people's relationships with their mothers and it is nothing like this. And as the child it is hard for you to not see it as your fault.

Daughters of Narcasisst mothers is a good website

OP- are you me?? I could've written your post verbatim. I've often wanted to write such a post but didn't really know where to start.

I'm sorry that I don't have any wise words to help, but perhaps it might help a teensy bit just knowing that there's at least another MNer (mother of 2 young kids/sensitive personality/suffers depression & anxiety) out there who has the exact same feelings about/around her mother. Basically, you're not alone. .

Its not you, its your mother. It is simply not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. To a narcissist image is everything. Her own H is her willing enabler and he has also failed completely to protect you from the excesses of his wife's behaviours. He has also been her hatchet man here.

She was not a good parent to you and is not a good example of a grandmother to your children either. It does them no favours at all to see you as their mother being disrespected like this. I would stay well away from your mother and your children need to stay well away from her also. What she does for you is really done for her and on her terms alone.

What are your own boundaries like with regards to your mother?.
I would now cut short this visit and never stay over at hers ever again; that is a small but significant boundary you can do here for your own self.

Thanks for all your posts. A lot of questions not sure where to start to answer but appreciate everyone's input

I'm just not sure if it's me or her

Its not you. She might like you to think that. Its her.

She sounds like a bully. A needy one though.

Im having an early night - "oh why break the habit of a lifetime' "

Not..

Im having an early night - "Oh I hope you feel o.k?
Can I get you anything?
I hope you have a good sleep. Night night, love you.
See you in the morning"

I would be tempted to tell her I went to bed early so I wouldnt have to be near her a minute longer.

I recognise this, not from my own relationship with my (lovely) DM but from hers (and my own to a certain extent) with my DGM. I think PP's are probably right and she is a narcissist, as was my DGM. The thing about wanting others to think well of her but being really quite unpleasant to certain family members (DM mostly but also me, my DH and my DB) rings especially true.

I think really, properly taking on board that it's her and not you is the key to starting to come to terms with the way your relationship with her is. Once you've done that you can start to work out what you want and need for the future, whether that's going no (or low) contact or just adjusting the way you deal with her.

This isn't you though OP, it's most definitely her and you don't have to carry on letting her make you feel bad. Get yourself over to that Stately Homes thread and prepare to be amazed by how much you recognise in other people's stories, you're definitely not alone

She's Disney character on the surface and a narc in reality. You don't need her approval. Once you have worked that out you will start to feel more confident.