What's next??

[CantFindMyWayOut]

Ive hit another low with DH today.
Started with a minor argument yesterday really which was followed by little things today that just made me feel invisible, unloved again.

I couldnt say that there is one thing that is a deal breaker. No affair or whatever. Just the contant feeling of selfishness from DH which means I'm always coming last (because in my eyes, the dcs will always come before me. So that leaves me right at the back iyswim). It feels like our whole lives are organised around him (eg weekends, where we live, what we do).
On the top of it, I'm extremely isolated where we live. If I was dying today, I can only think about two people who might come to my funeral (bar family, which isn't a lot) and one of them probably wouldn't because of MH issues. That's it.

Ive been thinking about separating for some years now but have never felt I could do it. Ive been diagnosed with a health condition that means I'm extremely tired and for a long time I just wasn't able to leave and start living in my own wth two dcs. I wouldn't have coped (and that's wo even going into the finace side of things).
And nowdays I'm very worried about starting anything like this thanks to Brexit (I'm an eu citizen - who knows what is lying ahead for me....)

I'm not sure what to do now. Putting up with it for a few more years until the dcs have left to Uni (another 6 years). Trying to make things better again. Leaving. I really feel lost.

Sorry that was long and full of typos....

Start small.
Don't make any big changes but start to do things for you.
Join an activity (choir, walking group, book club etc) once a week to build up your friendship base.
Do you work? If not again start small - volunteer in a charity shop, national trust etc and then get a part time job, or just get a part time job
Go to counselling - not with your oh - just you, for you

You sound miserable.

It is hard to know whether you are miserable because of your situation and your relationship with dh, or if you are unhappy within yourself. It does seem you blame him for a lot of your unhappiness - and maybe he deserves it. But you also must look at your own responsibility in how you got to where you are right now.

Go see your GP and get yourself referred for some counseling if you can. Or see if you can find a counsellor who charges on a sliding scale based on ability to pay. Getting professional advice could help you sort out what is going on in your head, what you want, and how to achieve it.

It is hard to know whether you are miserable because of your situation and your relationship with dh, or if you are unhappy within yourself.
My default position is to think that my happiness is mine to make and that ID things aren't going well, then it's up to me/my fault/my responsibility to change.
Ive done that for the last 10 years.
I'm really not sure what else I can do TBH.

I'm not unhappy WITH myself actually. I am struggling with quite a few things but all of them could Potentially be addressed. If DH was happy to make the effort.
I'm living somewhere that doesn't work for me but can't live somewhere else because DH refuses to move.
I can't plan around Brexit, incl planning for the fact that staying could be an issue for me. I can't even discuss it. Because DH doesn't want to move/think about moving. Or talk about the potential issues around that.
The only thing that has made a difference so far for my illness is diet. But DH refuses to take that into account (think refusing to increase the amount of protein when I've explained clearly to him how much difference it can make. And if I do tell him that utnwouod be helpful to do xxx, he will create an atmosphere/grumble under his breath). Or will grumble at the price of supplements (that have been the only things helpful for me).
Each weekend is organised around him and his hobbies. So he goes to do xxx with the dcs. I can't participate (due to illness) but that's OK. I can stay at home (see the isolation issue) or go with them for the day with nothing to do. Whether I'm happy to do that is NEVER asked. Nor am I involved in the planning of said weekends. I couldn't tell you when is the last time I did something with the dcs that I enjoyed doing/could do rather than what DH wanted. It's true for the dcs too btw. If there is an event that the dcs would want to go to but he isn't keen, it just doesn't happen either.

I feel that after so many years trying to keep him happy, I don't even know who I am anymore tbh.

Isolation is linked to where we live btw.
Ive been there more than 15 years and have done all the trying to join a club blabla. Wo any success.
For a long time, I thought that it was me.
Except that Ive learnt I can get on with poeple very well out of that town.
Some places are very closed to 'new comers'.
Even DH would agree about that (he has no friends in the town we live in either).

Do you drive?

I don't see why you can't just plan a day out, get stuff ready and get in the car with kids?

I have sympathy but you are not taking control where you need to.

And a whole town isn't closed to newcomers - that's ridiculous,

Take that phrase and break it down. Are you really saying that in a whole town there's no one who you could possibly get on with?! Try and ask yourself why you have jumped to this sweeping statement?

Because if I'm just lacking the car up and I go away with the dcs I will:
1- leave DH in his own which he won't be happy with
2- will stop the dcs from doing their activity with DH which they wont be happy with either
3- said activity will have planned (so the boys and DH enrolled etc... for the event which will cause another set of problem).

Not going into the isolation thing TBH because even though it is an issue, it's totally separate from my relationhsip.

What it does mean though is that I can't just say 'oh bugger off. You go away and I will do xxx every single weekend' even though I was very close to do that today

Plus it would also mean I would hardly see the dcs which isn't good either for me, nor for them.

I have to laugh at the idea of taking control too.

Because I should NOT need to take control over DH. He should be happy to accomodate me and think about me wo me forcing the issue.

Think about it, if it was thenother way around an I had planned something for the weekend and DH was barging in taking the dcs with me wo any consultation, what would you say? That he is a nice guy just 'taking control'? I think not.

And that's wo going into the fact that a loving partner should take his partner into consideration when planning something that is affecting the whole family. Out of respect.

Hes not your boss - you don't need to keep him happy or ask permission from him.
Does this activity take all weekend?

Oh dear - I think you are stuck in passive aggressive mode - you are unhappy and stewing - you expect him to take account of your feelings and thoughts (which is reasonable) - but he doesn't / and he's not going to - so you need to start being a bit more assertive

How long have you lived in the area?

Do you know any Mums at your dc's school? Is there any way to get involved there? Perhaps you'll find some like-minded people.

Could you get your dh to drop you off somewhere, and then you could take a taxi home rather than sitting at home when they go off to do their hobby?

What about this hobby your dh and sons do? Presumably there are wives similarly left at home/not participating that you might get to know?

Do you have any hobbies/interests of your own that could connect you to people?

If you've spoken to him about this issue and he's still dictating the weekends then he is taking control

You have spoken to him about it haven't you?!

And of course I could take back control on other things.
Such as how we eat and go back to the situation where I was doing EVERYTHING and DH fuck all. (And that's wo adding the fact that I can't actually physically do it)
I could look for somewhere else to live and then expect him to follow (the heck it will happen).
I could also look at moving back to my own country or to another country and then also expect DH to move with me (same as above. What would you think about someone doing that?).

There are plenty of areas where there isn't such a thing as 'taking control' but where solutions should be found TOGETHER out of respect for the other person.

But he's not respecting you - you can't keep waiting around for that to happen

I have spoken to him numerous times and expressed my issues VERY clearly. Heck even the dcs who overhead the conversation once got it!
Nothing hasn't changed.

Btw I don't do PA. For the simple reason that I'm not british ad PA isnt done things where I grew up. Believe me when I said I have told him numerous times. I have. I have been assertive. I have even told him what I wanted to do instead.
I ahve told him how unhappy I am where we are.
I have told him how scared I am about the future.
I have told him very precisely how and what I need to eat (and he could see the difference too).

The mor it goes the more it feels that he is choosing not to listen.

YY about not being respected.
I would also say that I feel I am not being loved either (because if he loved me/cared for me, surely he would those things??).

What I normally get form our 'talks' is a 'Im sorry' and once 'I'm a really shit husband'
Well yes. But still nothing changes

Ok well there you have at least the first step - hes not going to change

You've been more than reasonable, given him ample opportunity to step up but he's not

You then have to decide what to do about that