I'm not really sure what I'm after here. A handhold, advice, a kick up the bum, or just venting.
So I was in a six year relationship with a woman (same sex, both bi), we had our ups and downs like any relationship, but I always believed we were strong. Then three months before our wedding, she tells me she's in love with her male coworker and can't marry me. She hadn't cheated on me, wanting to break it off before anything happened. Obviously I was devastated. I'd had suspicions about this guy when she first started working there and whenever I asked her about it she said "no of course I don't like him like that". And when I decided today off the questions and just trust her, that's when her feelings started to develop.
She'd felt like this for several months, and struggled with what to do, and in the end she'd decided she wanted to know what it'd be like with him. We talked, cried, I shouted, and eventually decided to try a week of no contact with me and him. I stayed at my parents for a bit, she stayed at home, he was on holiday anyway (and had offered for her to go too but she didn't to give this NC a try) and at the end she decided to stay with me. I went back home, we decided to try counseling, she told the colleague it wasn't going to happen and she couldn't see him socially anymore. Then only after two days back at work she went for a drink with him. She realised she couldn't keep away, so we split up.
Fast forward a month, they've moved into a flat in my hometown (grr) we've stayed in contact and hang out a fair amount as we're each others best friend and don't want to lose that. There's been talk of getting back together because we love and miss each other so much, but at the same time haven't done anything about it. We're selling the house but it feels like doing so will make it final. When we're both at the house we get really upset. At this point we're both ok, she's happier as she has a person. I don't have a person but I'm getting on ok, much better than I have been. But last night she told me she was crying because she missed me.
In the meantime, I've been pulling my life back together, gone on dates (all Terrible), built up my social life and keeping busy.
I went to stay with a couple of friends of mine who have a friend who was also there one day. While we were both there we chatted, I enjoyed his company, and I found I wanted to know more about him. A few days after returning and not getting him out of my head I asked my friend if I was attracted to him or just wanted attention cause I'm feeling vulnerable. Without going into all the detail of the conversation (which was very funny and had me giggling for days!) She thinks I should come up regularly, speak to him, get to know him, cause worse comes to worse I'll make a new friend, and best is that I'd start a new relationship at my own slow pace. And right now she thinks it's good for me to have someone else in my head for a while.
I feel so conflicted! On the one hand I don't want to do anything that would jepordise me and exDP getting back together; on the other, I think I really fancy this guy and I obviously haven't allowed myself to be open to finding other people attractive since getting with my ex. I don't know how to feel, although it's been nice to have someone else in my head instead of being upset.
At the same time I'm thinking of buying a house near my friend as I can afford a mortgage on my own there. It's a lovely place to live, very rural, I'd still be able to work at the same place by staying at my parents in the week, and I wanted to move there with exDP anyway and don't see why I still shouldn't. This has nothing to do with the guy btw. I'm scoping it out some more when I go back and visit to see if it's what I want to do. But I'm worried that despite being near my friends, I might find it isolating. Financially it makes sense, and I think I will love it, but I've got that niggle that makes me think it might be a mistake.
My exDP knows I'm thinking about this and she said she'd really miss me and got upset. So she's gonna work on the new guy to move there too.
Ok I'm writing this and it sounds like such a mess. Is this a mess? Am I doing the wrong thing, right thing, what about this guy? Should I try it? It's only been a month and I'm not sure how Im feeling really.
Maybe I just need a good shag??
If you've got this far, thanks for reading!