Can't move on

[Griefmonstershite]

I lost my three month old daughter to a heart condition two years ago and recently divorced my husband. I've been struggling to get over her death and the loss of my marriage and have been attending grief counselling. I'm slowly coming to terms with the life I lost when she died.

I had a nine month relationship with a man who used every abusive technique in the book - love bombing, projection, gas lighting, ignoring me for days until I begged him to take me back. He split up with me six times while we were together, we split for good two months ago after I refused to back down and beg him to come back. He feels I was at fault for challenging him.

I don't see him but stalk his social media and we message most days, I feel addicted to this. He alternates between being cold or reminiscing and overly sexual. He talks about the possibility of paying a prostitute for sex which makes me feel that I'm not even worth that in his eyes. He also tells me everything that's going wrong for him and I find myself wanting to sort it for him and make him happy. I hate myself for being so weak, I used to be so strong and together. I've been on the Melanie Tonga Evans website which is helping me understand what happened and why I allowed it to happen but I still feel lost.

Block the abuser, see a therapist. You seem to have so much to deal with in your head, the last thing you need right now is keeping up communication with an abuser

I'm seeing a private counsellor/psychotherapist who is really helping me. She's gone through messages I've been sent and showed me how they fit into this abusive cycle. I should delete the thousands of messages I have but can't bring myself to do it. I leave each week feeling stronger and motivated not to get in touch then within a day I'm craving the contact in any shape or form. I'm determined to sort myself out, I've realised I have to sort my own feelings and behaviour rather than keep trying to change and analyse his.

I realised last night looking through the sexual messages he kept sending while in bed along with pauses of a few minutes every so often that he's been using me as something to wank over. Cheaper than phoning a sex chat line. Feel bloody stupid for thinking he was maybe regretting his behaviour towards me.

You need as much help and support as you can get from every organisation that will help you. You are not alone there are people that will help you.
So when low call Samaritans anytime night or day because your therapist is not available. Have you tried WA and CRUSE?
But you most definitely need to get away from this abusive man and quickly for your own sanity and safety.

Thank you Noego, I'm set myself the target of no contact today. Then I'll reset for no target tomorrow. I find it so difficult to avoid contact as he flashes up on news feeds because of mutual friends. He makes it clear he's doing online dating. But having no success. He also gushes over other people's new relationships saying it gives him hope. Meanwhile he tells me he'll be alone forever now making me feel that he thinks that's preferable to seeing me. Complete head fuck and I need to find a path forward to stop this hold he has over me. I've used it as an escape from real life and it has to stop. He seems so lovely and reasonable to everyone else that it frequently makes me think it is me with the problem and I've imagined it all.

You are not the problem and you are not imagining it. You need to run in the opposite direction away from him and quickly using every organisation that will support you. Block everything and do not look at social media. Drop it all entirely. When you need to vent or are doubting talk to someone. The Samaritans will listen to you and support you. They will help you get over the hurdles as and when they come up.

Thanks. I find I doubt myself so much because this side of him is hidden to most people. I met him when I was struggling confidence wise and in moments of clarity I can see that I've been manipulated but I still keep trying to see the best side of him.

I've just been listening to Adele's Set fire to the rain and imagining myself moved on in my life. I need to take my self respect back.