Why am I always in the wrong?

[thedevilwearsbarbour]

I can't work out how, every time I think I've got a valid argument it gets turned around and I end up apologising.
'D'H lost his job last week, he has applied for quite a few things and has one very promising interview next week. Since that interview was confirmed he's stopped looking and has managed to fit in doing his hobby three times since becoming unemployed. I feel like he should be spending all his time looking for work and not putting all his eggs in one basket.
When I've tried to voice my concern, we end up in a big argument and I end up apologising for putting pressure on him

I'm right aren't I?

Today he leaves at 5am to do his hobby in an area where this no service. He contacted me half an hour ago to shout because I sent a few texts during the day. Tried to express my annoyance that he didn't tell me he would be out all day and he's just screamed at me down the phone for ruining his day and it's not his fault there's no reception at the place he was at.

He sounds like a right peach! As mumsnet often asks, does he have any redeeming features?

I'm struggling to think of any at the moment. It's been a tough few years. He's got depression and I find it soul destroying because his day is always worse than mine or he's more tired than me. I'm either tip-toeing around not to make him feel under pressure or stressed all the time or trying to tell him how I feel and getting shouted at. I'm so fed up.

I think you're being a little bit mean if he just lost his job last week and has managed to apply for lots. Let him enjoy the time as well as applying for jobs. It is quite soul destroying to be honest, and he will need his hobby to keep his spirits up - especially if he is prone to depression anyway. If it was lost through no fault of his own I think you should be a bit more supportive at the moment.

However, do not apologise unless you're really sorry. If you think you are right (you seem to), the apology is totally fake.

Hmmm. That's what he was saying. I just can't help but think he's wasting time and finding a job should be a priority.
He's so laid back and I'm constantly on edge.

You can't expect him to be job hunting 24/7. As long as he is making an effort to find work then just give him a break.

You said he's applied for lots with one in particular that's promising.

Let him breathe.

1. Job hunting is a grind. If he has applied for a good number then are there any others left to apply this week? I was unemployed for a while and found that there were only so many jobs available for me and my skill set. What else can he be doing.

1. I dont get the text thing. Were you complaining that he wasnt responding? Or were they normal texts that he got all at once.

1. When someone has depression it is very hard. If you are the type of person that needs someone to bounce your own negative feelings of off then you might need to find a surrogate.

1. You both need communications counselling of some type. Him to let you know about things like being out all day in a place where there is no signal and you finding ways to express yourself without feeling you are on edge (this includes not expressing generally negative things or wanting a race to who had a bad day).

Do you have kids? If not, please don't. It's one thing to choose be with someone who screams at you, but someone like that should never be a parent.

If no kids YABU to be on his case constantly. Let him relax for 5 minutes. He is still an arsehole for yelling at you though. Decent men don't do that.

If you've been unhappy for years as you said, time to end it. You sound bad for each other.

What are the few texts?

Tbh if i was out and dh kept texting me it would annoy me too.

I do think you need to lay off him a bit. He has applies for jobs and has an interview.

Losing your job is soul destroying. As is looking for work.

The longer you wait after losing a job the harder it is

So he lost his job but has managed to apply for work and get an interview in that short space of time? And while he's got a few days without work he's out doing something he enjoys - do you think he should be at home wailing into a pillow and rocking back and forth in a dark room?

With the best will in the world (and possibly pending a huge drip feed post about financial problems, general irresponsible behaviour or similar) it sounds like the biggest problem here isn't so much the situation but your anxiety around it, which isn't your husband's job to sort out. It's yours.

Mumonashoestring drip feed as follows:

We have a mortgage and loans that we will struggle to pay if he's not working.

He's applied for loads but also won't look at certain jobs as they are beneath him.

We have no dc but he has a teenage daughter from previous relationship.

I didn't know that the place he was at has no signal so assumed he was just ignoring me- I asked what time he was coming back, what time shall I start dinner, that's sort of thing. He shouted because I should know that 'if he's out for the day, he's out for the day'

I just feel like he's treating unemployment like a Holliday. He could be brushing up on interview techniques, working on his cv. He could be helping round the house but god forbid any of these things get in the way of his hobby.

Jeesh - tiptoeing round is soul destroying and anxiety causing.

I would be having thoughts about my future if I were you.

For sure.....

Honestly i wouldnt apply for jobs i was ovee qualifies for within the first week.

He has a promising interview. If that doesnt work out, then fair enough. He needs to keep applying, but more applications are not going to result in a job sooner than the one he is interviewing for.

Also, if it were me, i woild apply for jobs and make the most of the free time i have. Applying for jobs would be the priority. But i wouldn't spend every hour of the day doing it.

The texting is a bit odd. Because if i thought was ignoring me i would just make dinner for myself. Not keep chasing him. But thats me. And if i was out and got a lot of texts chasing me for when i was coming home i would be annoyed.

I do think you need to lay off but can see your point, kind of, about the texts.