Friendship of 26 years turned toxic

[Summersoul]

Hey everyone
I'm a newbie on mn so a bit nervous of posting but could do with some advice.
My best friend of 26 years invited me to be bridesmaid at her wedding abroad. The whole lead up to it was stressful and it cost a fortune. To make matters worse she treated us terribly whilst we were out there and so consequently I became quite angry and distanced myself. We have kept in touch but it has been very strained and she has attributed this to her anxiety and depression. I tried to raise these issues with her but she just doesn't want to talk about it. I feel very angry and bitter and we haven't spoken in a while which is a shame due to our long standing friendship. Should I get in touch or accept this ship had sailed

This ship has sailed and sunk to the bottom of the ocean. I completely understand your feelings as it has happened to me. Life changes. Friendships change and drift apart. Move on.

I;m not sure what I'd do. probably distance myself for a while and let her make the first move.
people behave very badly at weddings, it seems to bring out the worst in everyone.

You have tried, OP. If she doesn't want to talk about it there's little you can do.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. When friendships go awry it's devastating.
I'm with irritatedUser on this, Weddings certainly do do crazy things to people, plus she said she suffered from anxiety and depression-Distance yourself for a while then send her a text (or even, gasps at the crazy thought a sweet card), saying that you wanted to give her some space but how is she? Suggest getting together for a coffee/glass of wine and take it from there.
I really hope she responds positively (and apologises) and that you work things out. 26 years is a LONG time to just throw a friendship away. Good luck, xxx

Summersoul I am so sorry your friend has behaved so badly. You say she is depressed, is this a long term thing or is it recent?

Does she live abroad or is she local to you or far away but in the same country?

I think in your shoes I would write a letter, card or email and simply say.

"We have a longstanding friendship, which I really value. The last year/6 months/ 3 months/whatever has been tough, I found the way things panned out with your wedding very difficult. I spent a lot of money to be there for you on your big day and feel you let me down ignored me whatever.... only go into details if you feel it is really necessary (I am not sure it is at this stage, although it may come out later).

However, our friendship goes back so far I really want to see if we can regain that friendship we once had. I really miss you. Can we meet for a day at a spa/lunch/dinner whatever?"

Unless she lives really far away I would not go for an overnight.

You may not get an apology. Decide beforehand if this is something you need. Or whether burying the hatchet will be enough.

If your friend does not take your olive branch then I would leave it, but leave the door open, if/when, children come along your friend may want to share with you again.

I think part of the thing to learn is to not spend money or agree to things you are not happy with.

Is that what happened? I am guessing you had no idea how much it would all cost at the start (or felt you had to say yes) and maybe it snowballed.

It's very hard to pull out of things when they have started but it is important to remember that you can always say no, or not now, or not anymore.

You can always get costs/expectations at the start of things and if the goal posts move you can be free to say "Sorry that really changes things, I cannot now do that as I cannot afford XYZ."

Sorry if I am misreading it, but it sounds like the thing spiraled in terms of cost or expectations and maybe this was the case for your friend too. And both of you felt unable to say to the person who was upping the ante/making changes etc - in your case it was her but maybe someone (fiance/Mum or Dad or Inlaws-to-be) escalated costs etc. Just a thought. I may be wrong.

You say "she has attributed this to her anxiety and depression." You need to make her aware it is not her anxiety and depression but her behaviour towards you.

Just to say that I got married abroad and I found it a very stressful experience; language issues meant that any last minute problems fell on me to sort out, at the last minute some relatives refused to come saying that it was too expensive (even though they'd originally been enthusiastic ) etc. etc. I wonder if that sort of stress may have been part of the problem for your friend?

If I were you, I'd give it another chance. It's a shame to throw away all those years of friendship. I wouldn't hold out for an apology though, I think you are just going to have to let it (the wedding experience ) go and move on.

It's not quite the same situation but a close friend of mine behaved very badly at her hen do (ungrateful, tantrum etc), and still was a bit of a drama queen at the wedding.

At the time of the hen I swore blind i didn't want anything more to do with her - but when we did meet up she was so obviously mortified I realised the stress of the whole process had really got to her.

We are still friends and I'm glad of that.

Interesting that neither of you appear to be prepared to put yourself in the other persons shoes. Did you know that she suffers from anxiety and depression because I could easily see how a destination wedding could turn anyone crazy, let alone someone who suffers from anxiety and depression. I'm not excusing her behaviour (I can't because you haven't explained it) but weddings are a stressful balancing act that involves a lot of moving parts and people who require 'attention'.

On one hand your unhappy about her not listening and dismissing your feelings but you've been equally dismissive about her and your contribution to the discourse.

Are you angry at not being heard or are you angry that she doesn't agree with your version of events? Everyone has their role to play in a relationship dynamic, I wonder what your role is in your friendship dynamic and is this one incident so terrible that it would jeopardise a friendship spanning 26 years?

Thanks so much for your support everyone x I should mention the anxeity etc is not a new thing and has been going on for years which I have been there every step. It's become noticeable that I am someone she vents to constantly and rarely has anything to say about anyone else as she isn't really interested. I have been in her shoes many times as it goes with very little support.

Doesn't sound like the wedding is the issue at all then. Sounds like you are sick of a one way friendship. That's totally different to a great, supportive friendship of 26 years, derailed by a wedding.

The wedding is the issue as it goes the one way friendship is also an issue tbh thanks x

If it's just the wedding then I wouldn't throw the friendship away but if its always like that or similar then you ahve to decide if her friendship is worth the grief.

Thanks so much