Controlling parents

[gettingtoomuch]

My parents are controlling nasty people and completely self absorbed and narcissistic.
They spread lies about me to other people and often get drunk and kick off blaming me for everything that's gone wrong with my life (e.g. Leaving my abusive ex) and generally treating me as if I've got no brain of my own and can't possibly think for myself or even be trusted to run my own life. I am complete and utter disaster area according to them.
Naturally I am trying to minimise contact and remain very deadpan and non confrontational with them.
However this approach of line seems to be having an unwanted side effect which is basically that they now call everyone else on their phone book (usually after a few drinks) with the view to 'sorting me out' (my disastrous life) and spreading bad words about me to anyone who can listen. My abusive ex included. They are very supportive to him.
They have become embarrassing pests. It also really gets me down and it's frustrating as although I can keep them at arms length from me and dc, they are now getting to me through others and I don't know what to do about this.
I wondered if anyone had any similar experiences or advice?

They are also almost obsessed with the support I am getting from other parties. They appear so threatened by it and angry and are convinced I am being brainwashed by the supportive people in my life and want to spread bad words about them too.

I'm basically getting it from all sides because I dared leave the abuse

Don't have any experience but didn't want to not comment.

You are a valued person and no one in this life has the right to make you feel any less of a person. There comes a time where you have to wade through the shit and make a conscious decision to remove people from your life who don't enrich it.

Life is short. Cut all contact immediately and let them get on with it. It must be exhausting for them all to be so consumed with hate. The best thing you can do is have a happy and fulfilled life

Hope that helps and sending

Your abusive ex and your parents are one and the same; that is why they like him. Their use of others (the flying monkeys) sent into do their dirty work for them is pretty much typical of dysfunctional people too.

You may also want to read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. I would also suggest you read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

Ultimately you need to be in a no contact position with your parents as low contact is not working out. It will do your children no favours at all for them to see their mother continuously disrespected.

You can't control what they do, who they talk to, or what they say.

You can't control what people think or do after your parents have told them stuff.

You CAN control what you think and do and feel about all this.

Refuse to engage. Accept it's happening, but don't let it affect what you want out of life.

Recognise this reflects badly on them, not you, and that if people believe their nonsense that shows you what sort of people they are.

And block your parents and their flying monkeys on every device you can.

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words,
Yes, no contact must be the only way to go now.
But how though? Is it best to just back off not say anything, or make a statement to them before cutting ties?
I couldn't bear the thought of confronting them, it will not end well.

After what they've put you through, I would ghost the fuck out of them. Your complete silence will speak volumes. As for the other pests they try to recruit in harassing you, ghost them, too. If you speak to them and they mention your parents, tell them in no uncertain terms that you don't want to hear it. You can't control them, but you can control what you choose to listen to.

Thank you so much for your advice and wise words.
But what about the people that they are harassing that are on my side, how do I stop them from inflicting themselves upon them. It makes me feel really guilty!
I guess they will have to severe all contact too.

You can't stop them doing anything, and it's self-destructive to worry about it and feel guilty.

All you can do is what's right for you. The people your parents are harassing have to deal with that how they think fit.

Don't react to them. Don't phone, don't take their calls, screen everything from them via answerphone or voicemail. Basically, you behave as if their nonsense has absolutely no effect on you whatsoever. Stay calm, withdraw all but the most basic, essential, communication and ignore their desperate attempts to get you back in their game.
I know people like this. I've dealt with the type over the years. They're addicted to drama, addicted to controlling, judging and sneering at certain family members and they are sad, empty, impossible to deal with in any way.
They are also seriously challenged individuals who have no understanding of what they do, but if you give them sympathy, understanding or even just another chance, they see it as weakness and it all starts up again.
Be strong, be resolute and be happy.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree that NC is the only solution - they will never stop, and it will damage you and your children.

Regarding the people they are harrassing who support you - if you hear about this, tell them you are sorry, and suggest that they just ignore your parents (I suspect most of them will be doing this anyway). When your parents get enough phones hung up on them, they will get tired/bored and stop.

What is ESSENTIAL is that you don't give an inch. They want to get a reaction out of you. You must never do this. Eventually, again, they will get tired/bored and leave you alone.