Problems with partner

[Katty2112]

Hi all. I had my little boy in April at 5 weeks early. The first week was rough; we were in hospital in a different city due to no beds and little one was battling jaundice and weight loss. After we got home my partner was great; he took his two weeks paternity and was a real help.

However over the last few weeks things have changed. He has been working late and not getting home until after 8 at times. When he is home he will do the odd feed but doesn't stay up with him in the night. He will get in from work and mess around on his phone or fall asleep. It almost seems like the novelty has worn off. He doesn't say hello to little one in the morning or when he gets in from work. When he feed him it seems like he wants to get it done quickly so he can put him back down. He doesn't play with him and he has stopped reading to him which he used to do.

During the evening our son seems to suffer from colic the worst and will cry a lot and hold his breath. Last night my partner was getting annoyed and I felt he was too rough with him leaving him on the sofa to scream at one point. I told him to stop and he went up stairs to bed. I try not to interfere when he looks after him but I can't bear hearing him screaming and his dad not doing anything to calm him down. He just says things like 'he needs to learn.' We don't want to split because of the baby but I don't feel like we can continue like this with him not listening to me.

I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to about this. Both of my sisters are on anti-depressants and my mom lives quite far away. I have told him several times I feel lonely in the day and he hasn't done anything to help this. Has anyone else been in the same situation and can they offer any advice?

Thanks xx

Poor you. Hope someone that can offer you right advice will answer.

It almost sounds like a sort of compassion fatigue on DP's part, it must be very disheartening. He could be stretching work to cut short evenings at home, he could be dawdling back, it could be genuine, either way you are literally left holding the baby.

I am sorry, it hasn't been an easy start, and you will both be affected by changed circumstances including broken sleep. When you look back in a year or two's time it will seem like a blur.

Have you talked about colic with your HV or at baby clinic? Do you have a vibrating or bouncy baby chair, that might help?

Just a thought, some people need positive feedback for everything they do. I say this not because DP is a saint for 'helping out' after all this is his child and equally his responsibility. But try some extra verbal appreciation.

It sounds like he's struggling with the evening crying, which is understandable, colicky babies are hard work.

But he needs to realise that you can't 'teach' a 2/3 month old not to cry from pain or discomfort by withholding comfort - I would absolutely intervene at that point. Just a gentle reminder like 'his tummy probably hurts and crying is his only way of communicating'.

Have you talked to him about how he's feeling? Is the reality a lot different to what he was expecting? Does he feel like he's not getting much back from interaction (stopping reading for example). A lot of people find the shine wears off babies until they start being a bit more interactive, and dads can absolutely get PND too.

Or he could just be being generally rubbish, in which case a kick up the arse may be in order, if you're bottle feeding I'd expect him to be doing at least one night shift a week (when he doesn't have work the next day).

And to you OP, doing it mostly yourself must be really hard work.

Thanks for all the advice. I think he is struggling but he won't admit it. He did say the other week that if he had known it was this hard he would have waited a few more years. I found this quite upsetting given the difficulties little one had when he was born. He seems to take on other people's problems at work and wants to help them but can't see that I need help at home.

I took him for his 12 week injection yesterday and he never even asked how he got on; I had to initiate the conversation. They have switched my son's milk as they think he is lactose intolerant; this has helped a bit but I think by the evening he gets those tummy pains again.

Thanks again really appreciate the advice xx

A colicky baby is very hard work but it does pass. However, a selfish, lazy partner is a more prolonged kind of hard work.

As PP have said, it could be that your DP is a decent bloke who is also finding things difficult, in which case the two of you may well be able to pull together and get through this exhausting stage of parenthood.

But it could be that he is fundamentally lazy and selfish and thinks that childcare is women's work, that it's OK for your life to have changed but his should just carry on as normal. If things don't improve, it's OK to tell him that you expect him to do his share, and to set a timetable (at least in your head) for improvement. Because if he isn't going to pull his weight and/or is going to start shagging around or treating you with contempt, it's better to get rid sooner than later.

I think men do struggle with young babies and tbh are a bit useless at it tbh. Evenings are commonly the worst time too... Not knowing what to do when they cry.
I think if you ride the next few weeks things will get easier. Instead ask him to make your dinner, make up a bottle, run you a bath and show your appreciation with this kind of help. The stories and smiles and cooing when they come will draw him back. It's tough but there is an end in sight, yoir wee one was premature so yoi effectively have a younger baby than his actual age.... HV and Mummy and baby group are good to vent to. youre doing great Mama

Yeah poor him boo hoo, what about your poor baby born early; sorry but I have zero sympathy for men like this, plan a baby with you then opt out once it's here because, well it's too boring for them isn't it.

I also don't like how he left baby screaming alone on settee; I think you are right to be wary and I'd be telling him he either shapes up or ships out. What use is he apart from causing you extra stress!

Saying he needs to learn is disgusting, this is a baby of two months old.

I am sorry you don't feel you can offload to Mum or sisters at present, these boards can be very supportive, there's usually someone awake even if you post at night.

Hopefully the change in milk will have a positive effect!
DP must realise you don't have all the answers either.
How would "Crying it out" soothe the baby, I did find that ill-judged.

One of my friends had a baby with “six o’clock colic” which began around 4 weeks then abruptly stopped about 12 weeks. He is (and was) otherwise perfectly healthy. Dad got in from work just as he'd be getting unsettled so during the week only saw him fractious.

Another had a premature DD who had colic earlier and more intensely. She got very distressed when picked up and talked to, even softly and lovingly; screaming and arching her back. For first time parents that's especially scary but the mw told them she was just so tiny she got easily over-stimulated. With their DD, for the first few months you could either pick her up, or speak to her, or gaze at her, not all at once.

I hope things go better for you.

Colicky babies are hard work they don't know what will fix it themselves so he 'wont learn anything' by being left.

Mine needed constant movement either in pram/ swing/or shoulder until about 10 weeks.
Dh worked nightshifts but would take over in morning for an hour or 2 and then again in afternoon we took babycare in shifts until baby became more settled.
No it wasn't fun but it was our jobs as parents simple as

I had a baby with suspected colic (turned put to be cows milk protein allergy), who would cry non stop.

It really took its toll on our relationship and we split 4 months ago after 10 years. I neglected OH as I felt DS needed me 24/7 and felt like I couldnt leave DS with anyone, so we literally spent zero time just the two of us.

Im not saying this will happen to you, but its easy to do and I kick myself now xx