Do I end it before he eventually does?

[Fiddlesticks11]

I feel restless & need to release all of my racing thoughts.

I have a 5 week old baby who was conceived a day before my husband of 10 years (& partner of 17) slept with a stranger using a dating app.

Following a tough (& hormonal) 10 months I feel like I'm now left in an extremely vulnerable position having decided to try & work at things. We were in an unhappy marriage prior to this but I thought it was a bad patch & never in my wildest dreams would have thought he'd cheat on me.

I now have 3 kids & potentially will be leaving my job at the end of this maternity leave as we can't afford childcare.
I feel like I am cut off from any life of my own - separate to being a mum & wife. At present this suits me as I have no confidence or self esteem. Ultimately I think my husband is here because of the kids & will initiate a divorce when the kids are older. In doing so I will have no job &/or confidence to go out & get one.

Once upon a time I was a confident person with belief in my abilities. I would have considered myself as more outgoing & ambitious than my OH. My husband has a good job that he loves with intelligent & interesting people. He comes home to me - a frumpy, bitter, suspicious, angry housewife.
I have no passion for anything in life other than my kids & feel like a zombie most of the time.
I used to love my OH so much but he has broken me with his betrayal & I know he wants me to just forget it. What angers me most is his justifications for doing it - almost as if we're even because of how I neglected our marriage. I want him to want me but show him no love or attention because it hurts too much. I know his feelings towards me have faded given my rage in the past year.
I function most days but all of a sudden these thoughts & feelings hit me & I feel trapped & anxious.
My husband sleeps downstairs as baby is in with me because he thinks the bed is too small. I feel very lonely & this has stirred up my feelings of suspicion & mistrust.

I just don't know what to do for the best :(

Best bet would be to talk with your STBXH about amicably co-parenting. Start this conversation soon because you don't want to be caught with your pants down.

I'm of the opinion that everyone deserves to be with that someone(s) that completes and makes them happy. It sounds like neither of you are each other's someone.

He's a shitty partner for cheating. You may be a shitty partner for neglecting the marriage. But I bet you both can be good parents to your kids. Just not together.

do you think both of you can repair this relationship?
if not, start taking steps to separate.
build your own life. then you will have your self esteem.
btw he is wrong to blame you. it takes 2 to tango.

I can see that this is the best option but don't have the courage or strength to initiate it.
If we separate then financially I am ruined. I'm on a part time wage & could not afford childcare nor would want to infringe further on grandparents retirement.
My kids quality of life with me would plummet but then I am nothing but miserable & pissed off as things stand & I know this will mirror on to them.
Does anyone have any tips on how to be resilient & ignore/numb emotions?!
Or even how to get over my OHs shagging around or how not to care if he still is?
I'm too reactive & explode or make it known as soon as an emotion/feeling of unrest enters my head (this is most days!)
I'm well aware that I'm shooting myself in the foot! But how do I stop?!

you cant stop.
you have to leave him. it will be easier than living like that.

I wouldn't know where to begin & I'm petrified of the mess that would lie ahead.
I really am weak in every aspect of the word.
I don't know if I could inflict it all on my kids.

Im so sorry to see your post. Big hugs. Please please don't make any big decisions now. You have a tiny baby and are being very hard on yourself.

Do you think it's possible to rebuild self esteem & stay in the relationship?
I've been told by my OH that I over react to everything. I don't know if I'm right to be pissed off or if like he says I am I'm truly a nutjob.
I just don't want to be me anymore & wish I could change how I react & behave.

yes georgiegirl is right, your baby is very young, wait a bit.
do you have family around?
if you separate he has to pay maintenance for the kids you know.

Definitely don't make any decisions with such a young baby.You are bound to be feeling vulnerable and that may pass.

Find some positives in your life and focus on what is working..a healthy baby is a great start.

Your instinct on your marriage maybe right but if you do separate there will be ways forward but you won't be able to see them yet.

OP what u have ever to remember is you are still you under all that. It's so hard for you at the moment - you are feeling so vulnerable but that can change - speak to your gp about counselling - small steps are what's needed

How dare he accuse you of over reacting! He cheated and betrayed you - do not let him put half the blame on you! When he says you neglected the marriage, does he mean he didn't get enough sex?

He has behaved like this and now calls you a nutjob?! I'm not surprised you feel terrible.

There was a real mix of reasons as to what he believed lead him to cheating.
One was a hatred of a new friendship i had with another mum, another was lack of sex and his belief that I pushed him away when he came with a problem (which was usually more sex!) Another was he'd been with me for so long & wanted some excitement.
There was strong resentment from both sides but ultimately I think he just took advantage of the situation. He said he'd never be able to leave his kids & was so unhappy so took matters into his own hands. Not sure how his solution was the answer?
It's all of the above that has me in this insecure position. All of the reasons that lead him to do it still exist if not more so because of my beautiful newborn.
I would love to turn things around but I can't shake the feeling that I could never trust him again.

Don't hand your notice in! If you split he'll have to pay maintenance and you may be eligible for benefits. You need to think more long term about your job - I'm divorced and would have been completely fucked if I didn't have a job. Just because it doesn't pay now to work, it will in the longer term when your children are older.

Start to Get some legal/financial advice now and start lining everything up. Then you can make some decisions when your baby is older and you can think straight.

You're not at fault - he is.

You also sound very low and depressed.
I think a visit to the GP might help.

There was a real mix of reasons as to what he believed lead him to cheating.
One was a hatred of a new friendship i had with another mum, another was lack of sex and his belief that I pushed him away when he came with a problem (which was usually more sex!) Another was he'd been with me for so long & wanted some excitement

All guilt transference that you have believed and that's why you feel so shit. He's a grown man with responsibilities and had a duty to talk to you if he was unhappy before going out and cheating. Do not listen to anymore of this BS please for your own emotional MH.

My advise would be to concentrate on your baby and enjoy it! Take your time in deciding what to do in the future.
It takes ages to get over being cheated on. You have to know that its not you. This will take time.
Do your best to be a good mum and gather your strength. Don't let him be in control of your self esteem. He doesn't deserve you.

This happened to me. Except it was loads of OW. Was completely broken.
But with time you gather strength honestly you do.

Don't give up your job if its a good one otherwise you will feel more trapped.

Don't give up your job. Even if it makes things difficult. You need to stay as employable as possible. You also need something outside of the home situation, imo.

Work on improving your personal prospects so that you don't have to feel so trapped and fgs don't shoot yourself in the foot by quitting your job.

If you keep your job but lose your husband, you may be able to claim tax credits and get helpful with childcare etc. Go on the 'entitled to' website and put in the numbers you would earn as a single Mum, and just see however much comes back. With your salary, tax credits, and maintenance from your H, you may well find you can afford to leave after all.

*get help! Not helpful

This has confirmed that I would be mad to leave my job & I think I will try anything (reduced hours/begging grandparents) to keep a job going as security for my future & peace of mind.
If only my younger self could see me now - I'd have pushed myself out my comfort zone & pursued a better job/career. I never thought I'd end up like a 1950's women trying to please a man & shower him with praise for anything & everything his ego does. All the while being told how thick & dumb I am & that I never do anything right.
It's crazy how I've ended up living out the oldest cliche.

My husband and I split in 2009. I had two very small children. I was scared about finances, kids future and how I'd cope. You get plenty of legal advice, you post on mn and speak to citizens advice and before you know it you've carved a new life for yourself, a career you love, new friendships and you look back and you're glad you were brave enough to submit the divorce petition.

You also become a nicer happier mum once you're not living in that atmosphere which is better for the children.

Get advice, there would be financial support available if you ended it, you should still be able to work as a lone parent.

Don't stay feeling trapped in a loveless marriage.

I think he is being so rude because he doesn't see you as you can leave him and build a better life or he is consuming your self esteem so you cant leave him. he thinks you are trapped and he is taking advantage of it.