Would you conclude it's an emotional affair or innocent venting?

[Whatsmynameagain43]

So quick background. DH is a hard working man who on the one hand tells me he loves me, tells me I'm sexy (still after 20 years together), tells me I'm the only one for him and tells me that everything he does in life is for me and our kids. On the other hand he sometimes thinks he lives in the 50s (sexist views that he pays the bills so he controls the house (I also work, 34 hours a week)), sulks if he doesn't get sex almost every day, constantly digs at me for not being affectionate or passionate, calls us names like idiot or loser if we disagree with his views and can be a bully.

I have been told by a few people that I should leave him but I can't leave him as I don't have any money and I don't earn a lot. We both own the house. I have no family locally because I moved away from them to be with him. His family are local.

So my reason for writing: he has a few female colleagues that he's stayed in touch with over the years (he works in a female led environment) and I've never had any reason to think of them as anything more than friends or acquaintances until now. He has this one colleague who he had texted sporadically but recently he's been texting her more often, he's very precious about his phone and I accidentally found out he's been deleting his texts with her. He asked me to fix something on his phone, I knew she'd text something to him earlier in the day as I'd seen it pop up on the main screen but when I went to fix his phone he unlocked it and it had been left on messages, her texts were not on the list!! Maybe he just didn't want me to see him venting about me? (I vent about him and wouldn't want him to see it)

Do men discuss their relationship issues with female friends? Could he be having an emotional affair? She lives too far away from us for him to be physical, he's always home if not at work.

Is the relationship that far gone that you can't ask him about his acquaintance?

It's irrelevant really to the main issue, which is that he doesn't treat you as an equal.

At this stage I don't want to accuse him of anything if it is innocent, he is not the easiest to talk to. And he would be hurt if he was accused but there was nothing in it I will talk to him in time, just really putting out feelers for how others would see it.

The name-calling, pestering and sulking about sex and the attitude that he earns more therefore he is more important would be a deal-breaker for me. And that's not even including the messaging.

Why do women put up with this shit and then say 'oh he's lovely really' because he might wash a cup every now and again or is vaguely nice to his kids?

He does not consider you to be his equal. That is the problem.

penguin I definitely am not one of those women, he isn't lovely he just tells me those things and expects me to believe him. He believes that by love bombing he will get some action, everything he does is for his benefit.

I definitely am not one of those women, he isn't lovely he just tells me those things and expects me to believe him. He believes that by love bombing he will get some action, everything he does is for his benefit.

If you're clear about all of that on top of the fact that he calls you 'loser' and 'idiot' and bullies you for sex every day, are you getting to a place where you would at least look into leaving him?

I know it can feel impossible but do you want this to be your life? Can you be in a relationship with someone who you know is 'not lovely'? I haven't a clue re what you would be entitled to in a divorce situation but there is always a way out if that's what you want. As far as I know there are Mumsnet users out there who may be able to advise you on the basics. (Divorce lawyers are you there?)

Also I hate to say it but I think his type are usually messaging/talking with other women. It absolutely isn't any reflection on you if he is. It's just that along with the other stuff I would guess that he doesn't see women as people. More as things to collect and have access to.

Why don't you have any money if you're working 34 hrs a week?

I would suspect an EA or that he's grooming some poor woman for an affair. But as pps have said that's beside the point (unless it's the one deal breaker that will make you leave him).

I would go and see a solicitor on the quiet and find out what you're likely to get in a divorce. You say you have no money. You should have at least half of everything. And do you mean that you'd be destitute if you left? Or just have fewer holidays, fewer possessions etc? Only you can decide whether you'd prefer to be less affluent but happy or just put up with this bully who assumes you'll dispense sex on demand just to prevent a sulk. Some things are priceless

Yes I was also going to ask about the money. Why does he say he pays all the bills and why do you say you have no money when you work 34 hours a week?

He sounds like a pig anyway.

I could've written your post. 28 years together. I've finally had enough and I'm divorcing him - and trust me, his true colours have come through during this process. Through reading lots of stuff on The internet and I now see who and what he is. They never change, we've done relate and he's done his own counselling. Mine is an emotionally, financially, psychologically abusing narcissistic (sorry about all the labels). I can't wait to be free of him

Looking at your first paragraph I have to agree with the others. I don't think it matters if he's having an emotional affair I think you should leave him anyway

He'll always do it OP.

I think it's best for both of you if you split.

Leaving is definitely on my mind. I'm just worried I wont be able to afford rent or a mortgage as I don't earn a huge amount. It's probably enough if I work it out but we have no savings so I will have to save a lump sum to move out. He can go to his mums but I have a feeling he would dig his heels in and stay just to spite me. He says he pays all the bills because he wants us to remember he earns the most!! We have a joint account and it all goes In and out of there. I have been squirrelling a bit away each month for the past three months, so mentally I think I'm there. I just need courage to leave now. I don't have that. I'm weak 😞

No you are not weak, you are beaten down by years of putting up with his bullying ways but you are not weak. Do you feel able to contact someone like Citizens Advice for help? You are entitled to some of the equity in the house you live in now and it would be good to find out what your rights are because that would put some power back in your court.

sulks if he doesn't get sex almost every day, constantly digs at me for not being affectionate or passionate, calls us names like idiot or loser if we disagree with his views and can be a bully.

Pathetic disgusting man that you seem to think is great; you need to take a step back OP, this man is abusive and I'd not trust him an inch either.

And yes, you can leave, you are choosing to stay.

Thanks for your compassion adora (!) it's not an easy decision to make after years of believing you are in the wrong and I certainly don't think he's great, but I do feel isolated and cornered at the moment.

Thank you hellhasnofury I think you are right, I certainly feel broken some days and I used to think of myself as a strong independent woman. I've certainly brought my DD up that way. I'm thinking I need to get some official advice now. Solicitors do first half hour free don't they? I'm definitely entitled to half the house, I hadn't been thinking that far ahead just the immediacy of moving out if I had to, which I definitely can't afford right now.

I suppose the deleting of the texts and the implications of this seem irrelevant really. I've really got some thinking to do.

he hasn't muted notifications?

Probably then nothing