Online Dating - Why do I keep getting dumped after sex?

LaurenTridy · 2017-06-29T19:15:04+00:00

As the title says really. The first man I met and got on with, ended up seeing him for a couple of months... slept together twice and then shortly afterwards he lost interest and 'ghosted' me. Most recent man I am more annoyed about. We really hit it off, had so much in common and bounced off each other. Hadn't met anyone that I liked that much in a long time. He said the same and was extremely complimentary towards me. Then we had sex and since then he has cooled off, claiming he is too busy with work and his daughter to see me. He still texts me every other day for a quick chat but hasn't suggested meeting up in well over a month now as he is ^so^ busy. My best guess is he is stringing me along incase he doesn't find anyone better. I find this incredibly disheartening. I have never been one to have casual sex, and with both of these men I have been seeing them consistently over a period of weeks/months before sleeping with them. I know they are idiots and I shouldn't care, but it's so difficult. I have found myself deeply regretting sleeping with both of these men now as I was clearly emotionally attached whereas they weren't. If this is just the way that online dating is then I give up.

Ellisandra · 29/06/2017 20:28

Well, I opened a thread with "keep" and expected it to me more 2!
And if 2, at least instant sex = dump.

There are men out there who use OLD just for sex, and are prepared to put in a bit of effort first to get it. Definitely.

There are also men (and women) who are not deliberately doing this, but just realise a few weeks or months in that it's not the relationship for them. You may be equating the sex with the split, but it could equally be that sex was incidental. Just part of dating for them and nothing to do with the timing of deciding they weren't feeling it. (your first example seems more like that?)

I also think sometimes ending a fledgling relationship is related to sex - the person can be lovely, attractive, good at sex - but it's the act that makes you think "actually no, I'm not that into him".

If I were you I'd carry on OLD, and join the long ongoing thread here about it! And then either be more casual about what sex means or if that doesn't suit you, wait longer. You'll still have some that peter out after - but less.

Good luck!

PookieDo · 29/06/2017 21:12

Same I thought it was more than 2!
Don't regret it if it was good sex, try to see it as fun that ended sooner than you would have liked.
And don't give up, or feel bad about yourself
You probably just didn't have the right connection, better to know early on rather than later down the line when you are move invested

GrandDesespoir · 29/06/2017 22:06

Why? Because there are a lot of arseholes out there. Even if you do change your mind after you've had sex with someone that's no excuse for stringing someone along (or ghosting them).

creamponies · 30/06/2017 00:19

I feel the same as you op.
It hurts. I recently had the same thing and what was worse he knew I came from ea relationship and was very shy and vulnerable. He was 30 years older than me and blocked me. He knew he did wrong as I called him and said that I know you blocked me and I said I never let anyone crossed me like that. I do hope he has a guilty conscience about it. But I doubt it. But if it was me and I thought I someone I made them feel awful
I would not be able to sleep x

Chloe84 · 30/06/2017 05:09

Maybe you could wait longer the next time, and when he makes a move, you tell him it's not on the cards for the first few months? If he loses interest, then you know he was just in for that.

Ellisandra · 30/06/2017 05:26

Creamponies - I think as a rule of thumb avoiding men 30 years older than you is a good idea.

Doesn't make him any less of an arsehole of course - but I'd question the intent of anyone that much older than me. Generally, people aren't looking for long relationships with someone young enough to be their child.

SleepFreeZone · 30/06/2017 05:42

I think some people like the conquest. Once they get sex they are no longer interested. Happened to me too but then I met my ex who was different and after him my DP who is now my fiancé.

Keep going and you'll eventually find someone normal. One thing to look out for is their relationship history. Both my DP and ex had long term relationships behind them. Be wary of those who gave only had a sting if ONSs or never really met anyone.

SleepFreeZone · 30/06/2017 05:43

*have only had a string

DP33333 · 30/06/2017 07:25

Men often like the chase more than the reality.

2 is not a big number. Just unlucky.

Personally I would have sex with them more quickly to at least stop this dragging on for weeks/months.

ShatnersWig · 30/06/2017 08:13

You do know that you can find someone incredibly attractive , like their personality, and all is well and then the sex is... well, disappointing for one of the two people involved. In which case, it's perfectly acceptable to move on. If you have a few dates with someone, find them attractive but there's no spark, or they're rubbish at communicating, or dull in conversation, or you discover that you don't have much in common after all, you end it. It's really the same, just at a slightly more serious level for some people.

I once had several dates with a woman and it was really great. She didn't want to rush things. Also great. When we did go to bed, well, frankly, we just weren't compatible. She hated oral sex. Stopped me when I went to go down on her, told me she didn't like it being done to her and didn't like giving it. She also would only have sex in the missionary position.

Now that is totally and utterly her preference, her taste and that is totally and utterly fine. But the next day I had to think about whether this would work long time for me. And I decided not. We just weren't compatible in the bedroom, even though I liked her a lot.

And that would be totally the same if a woman went to bed with a man and he said he wouldn't go down on her. If she only orgasms that way, then she may well decide "this has no legs" and go no further with the relationship. And that's fine too.

Dating is all about discovering if the two of you work together and sex is part of that. Doesn't automatically make any man or woman who decides not to see someone again after sex an arsehole (though clearly some will be).

Hesabawbag · 30/06/2017 17:13

A lot of guys on these sites are philandering idiots and are using vulnerable, lonely hearts to cheat on unsuspecting partners. Usually the plausible ones.

annielouise · 30/06/2017 18:42

Shatnerswig - do you mind me asking how many times you slept with her? I probably wouldn't want oral sex the first time. You can rush things with women. Some of us don't want to be wrapping our legs round our necks the first or even second time. Sex lives develop. You say a few dates so it didn't last long. Seems such a shame to give up so easily. So many men are utter crap in bed the first time. Hello - we have a clitoris.I'd give them the benefit of the doubt and see if it improved and if they could at least learn a few things from you. You can end up flogging a dead horse with some though. The way you mention her it's like you made your mind up quickly.

OP I think they were just after sex, unfortunately. Hope you find someone you can be with.

ShatnersWig · 30/06/2017 19:17

Annie She told me that first time, she hated oral sex. Would never receive it or give it. Nothing to do with it just being the first time.

Original poster

LaurenTridy · 02/07/2017 10:14

ShatnersWig - Yes of course and it is perfectly acceptable to end it, if you are not sexually compatible.

However, the most recent man I was seeing and slept with has continually praised how good the sex was since . Now he could be making it up of course... who knows?

My issue isn't about being broken up with if you discover you are sexually incompatible, it's more the ghosting/lies/not having the balls to be honest about it. If you were disappointed with the sex then just say it fgs.

It makes me not want to sleep with anyone in the future for fear that this will happen again. I don't understand why people can't just be honest with their intentions when it comes to online dating. If you are just looking for a friends with benefits scenario then why not just be transparent about it?

OP posts:

user1490465531 · 02/07/2017 11:37

men using women for a quick shag has been going on years.....so why women are still shocked by it I don't know.
Dont have sex to early on and the ones that really like you will stick around.
Having sex second or third date well if that's all they wanted they got it pretty quick so they will move on but a guy that wants just sex will not hang around a few months to get it.

user1490465531 · 02/07/2017 11:56

sorry op read your post and see you did wait months before sleeping with them in which case you could not of predicted it would end like that.

Alexandra192748473829 · 10/08/2025 08:56

ShatnersWig · 30/06/2017 08:13

You do know that you can find someone incredibly attractive , like their personality, and all is well and then the sex is... well, disappointing for one of the two people involved. In which case, it's perfectly acceptable to move on. If you have a few dates with someone, find them attractive but there's no spark, or they're rubbish at communicating, or dull in conversation, or you discover that you don't have much in common after all, you end it. It's really the same, just at a slightly more serious level for some people.

I once had several dates with a woman and it was really great. She didn't want to rush things. Also great. When we did go to bed, well, frankly, we just weren't compatible. She hated oral sex. Stopped me when I went to go down on her, told me she didn't like it being done to her and didn't like giving it. She also would only have sex in the missionary position.

Now that is totally and utterly her preference, her taste and that is totally and utterly fine. But the next day I had to think about whether this would work long time for me. And I decided not. We just weren't compatible in the bedroom, even though I liked her a lot.

And that would be totally the same if a woman went to bed with a man and he said he wouldn't go down on her. If she only orgasms that way, then she may well decide "this has no legs" and go no further with the relationship. And that's fine too.

Dating is all about discovering if the two of you work together and sex is part of that. Doesn't automatically make any man or woman who decides not to see someone again after sex an arsehole (though clearly some will be).

How can you find someone attractive if they're rubbish at communicating or dull in conversation? Shouldn't these be filters to figure out whether you are actually attracted to them?

Why didn't you previously communicate with her about your sexual preferences in bed? I do not think you'd have had sex with her if she had informed you she has sex only in the missionary position or that she hates oral sex (giving and receiving). Both of you would have saved a lot of time.

DurinsBane · 10/08/2025 09:15

Alexandra192748473829 · 10/08/2025 08:56

How can you find someone attractive if they're rubbish at communicating or dull in conversation? Shouldn't these be filters to figure out whether you are actually attracted to them?

Why didn't you previously communicate with her about your sexual preferences in bed? I do not think you'd have had sex with her if she had informed you she has sex only in the missionary position or that she hates oral sex (giving and receiving). Both of you would have saved a lot of time.

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8 years between the last post and yours, I wonder if that is a record?! 😁