Regret sleeping with male friend

[Howtoexplainagain]

I've got a male friend I get on brilliantly with, lots in common, similar stage in life etc. On paper he's perfect boyfriend material. I slept with him after being confused about my feelings but it didn't feel right and I didn't fancy him/feel any passion for him which is something I don't want to do without. He has asked me out several times since and seems to think it's just a case of waiting for me to be ready for a relationship. Every time i see him now he is dropping hints about sex/relationship and he isn't taking what I'm saying seriously to the point I'm now avoiding him.

I've said that I'm not wanting a sexual relationship with him and want to stay as friends. I haven't told him that the sex did nothing for me and that I didn't think we were compatible sexually as I don't want to knock his confidence but he's not listening properly to me and is of the opinion that I'm not ready for a relationship full stop rather than it being that I'm not wanting a relationship with him. I've actually signed up to try my luck at online dating but haven't told him as I know it might wreck our friendship.

i think your friendship is pretty much fucked anyway if he wont accept your right to not want to be with him, dont you think?

I agree.

I'll have to really spell it out as you say.

Grrr

I used to do this when I was younger - think I only "deserved" male friends if they had the promise of sexual "reward".

Like I had to "protect their feelings" because my company alone wasn't good enough and I had to play along with whatever romantic fantasies they projected onto me.

Some very fucked up and draining interactions resulted from this mindset.

You need to spell it out to him clearly, and don't stint on telling him that you're OD (I mean I wouldn't give a blow by blow account, just as it's a bit boring for anyone!).

You slept with him. It was a one off. That doesn't entitle him to access to your vagina.

Even if you end up single/alone/childless you still don't have to have a relationship with any Nice Guy who feels entitled to your company and life.

I'd be very clear in setting a boundary ("It makes me uncomfortable when you talk about X as I don't feel that way") and if he drifts away, well you haven't lost much have you? What often strikes me about this kind of guy is they aren't embarassed about coming across as pushy/sleazy/creepy and forcing their attentions onto someone reluctant, yet they characterise themselves as victims done over by hard edged women!

Of course don't sleep with him again, that would be a bit much and twattish on your part

This happened me with a female friend (I'm male). DTD, after years of us both kind of dancing around the line of friendship/relationship-without-sex stuff. To my horror, there was zero chemistry at all, and I knew right away it wasn't for me. She, alas, felt differently.

Long story short, there was no saving the friendship after that. I was rejecting her, as she saw it, and that hurt. There was no way I could have moved on to a new relationship and stayed her friend without twisting that knife over and over again. The only solution was to go no contact. That's what you have to do too.

You can't stay friends with this man. It won't work. He's had a taste of something more now, and it'll be the worst kind of rejection for him, because from his point of view, you're not just rejecting him, but all his years of support and friendship. Trying to stay friends is going to result in hurt and bitterness and unpleasantness.

I'm really sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Sometimes this kind of thing works and it's happy ever after. More often, it doesn't.

Thanks Cookie, we've been friends for six months. He's been keen but I was seeing someone until a few weeks ago. I think I slept with him just to be clear in my mind if it was something that might work or not. It wasn't as if it was bad sex, just that I felt nothing passion wise and it felt wrong. I think I'll have to have another much more frank talk and see where we go next.

6 months is nothing. In terms of a friend ship lost. I think you can see it as part of the dance in his mind. Lead up.

I'd flatter him a bit by saying that you felt very conflicted about whether to be his friend or his girlfriend and often that's a difficult decision but in his case it was a difficult one and you slept with him and unfortunately that is what has given you clarity now. You're not conflicted any more. Now you know.

I agree with what cathydcare wrote upthread. I was a bit like that in my younger years. I didn't intentionally have loads of fwb but I didn't believe that my company was enough. I didn't feel indignation if somebody who felt half-hearted about me was going to walk away if we didn't sleep together. These thoughts weren't as clear in my head as I make it seem by just typing them now!

I've been on the receiving end of somebody telling me that they only wanted friendship though. I guess in a way if you take it the right way it means that your company is enjoyable and valuable.

I went on three lunch dates with a man back in Feb and he deleted me from facebook when I said I didn't want to take it any further. I paid for at least half of what we ate btw. He had no reason to be pissed off at me but he was pissed off not rejected. It's interesting, how some people, when you reject them, they're so charming and they remain the same person who liked when you were wondering maybe ... that it makes you have such respect for them and you file them away in your memories so differently from the ones who 'delete' you (metaphorically) but not before letting you know that really you're an ugly old hag with delusions, rejecting them .

if you take it the right way it means that your company is enjoyable and valuable

Yep.

The person saying "I want to be friends" is saying "I like spending time with you". Friends are valuable and important.

A person who takes that badly either:
a - is so overwhelmed by their feelings that they wouldn't be able to enjoy being friends (in which case they should have stopped the friendship before)
b - never actually wanted to be your friend