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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Unsure what to do

5 replies

Unsurewhattod0 · 29/06/2017 18:30

Separated from my DW(ex) about 15weeks ago. Kinda mutual but it was very hard on me initially. I've been seeing a counselor and she's had me assess what's most important for me and my future happiness. Result was that I no longer wish to continue with the marriage, which means ex and I are in agreement. I moved out locally to a 3bed house and see the kids on a 50-50 basis. Thankfully it's all friendly and with a lot of respect for one another, so nothing really to be concerned about. My question is about a friend of mine who I'm very close to. Part of the introspection has led me to face that I have had deep feelings for her for a long time, but I'm not sure if it's mutual. I'm scared of making a move and possibly loosing her as a friend. We do flirt but until the split I was unavailable (she is single). It's really making me nuts as I get butterflies whenever I'm with her, look forward to seeing her and adore spending time with her. I'm keenly aware from my counselling that I need to be more assertive in what I want, life is too short to be sitting on the fence.....so do I take the leap and risk rejection...or do nothing?

OP posts:
Aminuts23 · 29/06/2017 18:34

It's too soon. Get used to being on your own, be happy in your own company. Truly happy. Only then will you be ready for a new relationship. When you might want a relationship but don't 'need' one. Anything before that I believe would be rebound and destined to fail

monkeywithacowface · 29/06/2017 18:41

Agree with Aminuts23. It's early days in her position I would feel like a rebound.

Personally I don't think we have deep, hidden feelings about someone that we only come to realise once our marriages are over. If you had true feelings for her you would have been aware of them. That doesn't mean feelings for people don't change over time you just need to be certain that how you feel about her now is genuine and not a reaction to your recent separation.

Changedname3456 · 29/06/2017 19:00

15 weeks / 3.5 months? Noooo... better you wait a while yet.

You may think you've processed it all and are in a good place to date etc, but I thought that too, at about that stage, and I really wasn't. Concentrate on your kids, then on yourself and then make sure you have thought through what went wrong in your marriage so you understand what you'd want from a new relationship.

porkandcindy · 29/06/2017 19:09

Is it a mutual friend of your EX wife too? Does she know her ?

TheNaze73 · 29/06/2017 19:21

If you want to get over somebody, get under somebody but, don't hurt anyone along the way. I think it's way too soon to embark on anything serious.
Have some fun

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