Advice on staying friends with an ex

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Split up with my partner about 12 weeks ago after I found out he'd been having online conversations with another woman. It had happened quite a few times before so I ended things. We'd been together for 12 years.

He's been really devastated ever since and is saying he's finding it hard to cope with all of the guilt and regret over what he did.

I just feel like there's no going back now and I need a fresh start. I don't hate him though - don't know if I should! But I don't want to cut off all contact with him as we had a lot of good times and we got on really well. 12 years is such a long time.

Every couple of weeks he's been texting me and saying how much he misses me, and wants to see me. I keep saying that it's not a good idea, and I hope in time we can be friends.

I'm just finding it a bit upsetting knowing that he's in a bad place right now. I don't know if he will start accepting my decision, and then it might be easier to be in contact with him. I mean I haven't exactly been feeling great but I think as it was my decision to end things it's been easier for me.

I'm just finding it hard to wrap my head around, I know he genuinely loves me, but if I was that important to him why was he telling a girl from a club how sexy she was :/ It pisses me off because I've never even so much as flirted with anyone else the whole time we were together, and I certainly would never message other guys.

Like I said I don't hate him I just feel apathy over what he has done. I want to move on but would also like to stay in contact in the future. I don't know if that seems silly but there you go.

Has anyone been able to stay friends with an ex?

I really wouldn't bother. He's only got himself to blame. Move on and get on with your life....leave him to it.

I did tell 2 ex's I'd stay friends with them but never did though I did get back with the first ex 15 years later and he's now DH.

I assume you don't have any children? I'm not sure its ever a great idea staying friends when one of you still wants more. Staying in contact with him may only give him false hope. He needs to be able to move on and he's clearly not in that place yet.
It might sound a bit harsh but I would stop responding to him and give him space.

Personally I've never understood the 'staying friends' thing. Its fine if you have children and need to be civil. Some people can do the friends thing and that's great but I couldn't do it.

"But I don't want to cut off all contact with him as we had a lot of good times and we got on really well. 12 years is such a long time"

The above sounds awfully like the "sunken costs fallacy" that is common in relationships. It simply enables you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

The idea of sunk cost states that an investment of money, time or energy must not necessarily influence your continued investment of money, time or energy. The past investment is “sunk” into the endeavor and cannot be recouped. It is gone. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one.
People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.
There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

The key is to clear away the distractions to rational and emotional clarity. Getting stuck in your “sunk cost” prevents you from this clarity, whether in your relationships or your investments.

Ex's are ex's often for good reason; I would not want to stay or remain friends with him and he messaging you also prevents you from moving forward properly. He also never considered your feelings on the matter when he was messaging this other woman, he really does deserve no consideration from you now. He's probably only "upset" as well simply because he got caught out and perhaps she has now given him the boot as well.

You indeed need a fresh start and one that does not include him in any shape or form.

Yep no children. I keep being clear that I'm not going back to him and I just want to be friends.

It seems stupid but I don't want to hurt him even more by cutting off contact(which I know doesn't make sense as it was him that caused this).

By staying friends I guess I just mean the odd message every now and then to see how he's doing. I just feel weird when he texts me and I don't know what to say.

Atilla yes that does make sense rationally, I'm just not sure if I can actually do it. The worst bit of the breakup for me has been how much he is suffering. That sounds pathetic doesn't it, and I'm finding it really confusing.

I've been feeling numb most of the time, and then when he texts me I picture him alone and sad in the house that we used to live in together and it cuts me up. Very confusing.

He's just trying to make you feel guilty, he thinks he can get you back as you have forgiven him in the past, you need to make it very clear that you won't be taking him back this time.

My ex made me feel really guilty when I kicked him out, he took great pleasure in telling me he was on anti depressants , a few months later he moved in with his new girls friend so obviously wasn't that cut up.

Why do you feel bad when he was the one that broke your trust and went behind your back more than once? I don't think keeping in contact will help, it will just make things complicated and he will keep pushing for more. IME, 'staying friends ' so soon after a break up never works and leads to more heartbreak. If you do feel pressured into texting back, maybe limit yourself to two replies a week and keep them brief and factual but tbh I wouldn't even bother with that. You should focus on taking care of yourself and making yourself happy.

I know I shouldn't be feeling bad for hurting him, I'm just confused by how I feel.

There are some times when I feel sad and miss him, but a lot of the time I'm not feeling much at all. It makes me feel like theres something wrong with me, as I know I loved him. I was with him since I was 17 so this is my first breakup, and I feel weird trying to get my head around it.

I updated my facebook picture and he saw it and messaged me, saying it took him by surprise and he burst into tears. Then said he knows he shouldn't have messaged me and would leave me alone for a while. I guess we'll see if he does.

Going no contact is the easiest way to recover imo. Contact, however infrequent puts people back a few steps on the road to being ok.

The way you are feeling is perfectly normal, to be expected, when you have spent that length of time with someone .(even if they have been a complete dick) it's going to be hard when they have gone. Things will get easier but don't let him make you feel bad, ignore the begging texts and concentrate on yourself x

Being friends with an ex rarely and if ever works out well.

I would actually consider blocking him on all social media because he is really not leaving you alone. Its hard; its your first break up and you've been with him since you were 17. However, the fact remains that you met this guy when you had no real life experience behind you and you are still trying to figure out all sorts of stuff, not least of all who you are now that you are in your late 20s. He by his actions is also not helping you move on.

Is he really suffering here or is he just manipulating your emotions further?. I think he is only sorry that he has been caught out by you actually and that you've finally called time on this. Tears too can be manipulative and designed to tug at the heartstrings. He broke your trust here and acted of his own free will as well.

I don't think he's trying to manipulate me, more just being selfish and not thinking how him saying all of this is affecting me. I can see how it might seem that way.

He was never manipulative to me when we were together. I guess I am coming across a bit pathetic and victim-y though.

Of course he is manipulating you? Why else would he be doing it? He wants you to feel sorry for him, yes he feels guilty but he should have though about that before he started chatting to other women online. He wants you to think that he's sorry, he wants you to take him back and believe he won't do it again ( but you know he will do it again ). I agree that you should block him, your just messing with your own and his emotions if you try to be friends, believe me, it's so much easier to move on if you stop all contact.

He is being manipulative. His actions say please feel sorry for me and not move on with another guy.

My ex is the most important adult in my life (we have 2 DC) and I would never say anything remotely like what's being said to you, OP, regardless how much I regretted the split.

If you care for someone you do what's right for THEM, and pestering someone who feels betrayed by you is no way to pursue a relationship.

Hope everything works out for you.

To be fair OP, he shouldn't have been having online chats with other women then should he. Why do you feel bad for him? He bought this on himself!

I don't understand this need to be friends with exes. Just cut contact and move on. You don't owe him anything.

It took me and my ex 7 years of no contact.
You need a break, to cut ties and emotions and grieve.

No contact is a brilliant tool and one I highly recommend.

He's in bad place of his own making
He wants you to soothe his feelings over the break up he caused??
He broke YOUR trust repeatedly but wants you to pity him
He misses you now since he got caught but didn't miss you enough while in the relationship to not message other women?

What about you and your hurt how will you heal if you continue to feel sorry for a self absorbed ex.
You can't be friends with someone who actually doesn't want to be just friends with you

You need space away from his neediness and he needs to deal with the fallout of his actions without you only then will he possibly understand the betrayal he caused.