Oh deary me what a mess- a bit long

[Tatat]

My sister is in heck of a pickle at the mo.

Her and dp have been together for 8 years. 2 dc, 7 and 2.3.

DP got a new job in May, along with it the new focus/enthusiasm for a new project that goes with it.

Their best ?couple? friends split up and Sis has been v. big comfort to female friend, started going out more to perk friend up etc.

Now sis is a pretty lady and because she was going out more, with her newly-single friend, she inevitably started getting a bit more male attention which was quite welcome cos dp was being a bit of a git. Nothing too major but a good old harmless flirt with some young chappies did her confidence a bit of good I think.

Until she started a ?text? relationship with one of said young chappies- it was simply this, no meeting up/physically anything, not even voice conversations- but some text flirting.

All the while dp still being a bit harsh. But she didn't address this.

Sis started thinking ?the grass is soooo much greener on the other side, do I really want to be with dp any more??

DP found out. and was understandably really really hurt. Sis ended relationship pdq and been v sorry. However she still can?t shake the ?grass is greener? feeling.

This was early Feb.

The nub of the problem is this however- DP understandably does not trust my sis one jot now, but his behaviour is stifling her. He has been so devastated by her betrayal- lost a lot of weight, can?t sleep/eat etc ? and is utterly paranoid about her having an affair. Checks phone/ receipts/ panics if she?s not available on her phone, she treading on eggshells in case something she inadvertently does or says E.g. ?I am going to be late from work tonight? etc makes him incredibly upset (last night she went out for a drink with a friend and he was up crying and being sick all night)

Sis?s guilt and remorse is now morphing into anger and annoyance at this, which makes her feel even guiltier as she feels to blame anyway.

I feel so sad for both of them- for him having had my sis take the p* with the text thing and obviously realising that she isn?t 100% ?in? to their relationship at the moment, and for her having to deal with his (if I?m honest about how I feel) out of proportion behaviour whilst trying to sort her head out about how she feels. That?s beside the point though this is about advice for my sis not how I feel (me me me me me  )

Can anyone offer any advice that I can pass on? (She would love to come onto mumsnet personally but dp monitoring her emails etc on their shared computer)

Not surprised she started flirting with someone else as her DP sounds like a complete arse. Also, frankly, his behaviour is heading in a direction that's potentially dangerous. People who carry on in this melodrmatic a style tend to get worse: he's punishing her, he thinks he's entitled to punish her, and sooner or later he's going to convince himself that he's really entitled to punish her (for daring to be a person not a possession).Even if she'd had a gang bang with half a football team it wouldn't entitle him to treat her like a prisoner: no human being is another's property.
She needs to tell him straight, either he gets over himself, gets counselling, or gets out.

It may be worth it for them to attend some counselling together. I understand that the DH's behaviour may seem to be an over-reaction to the actual "crime" committed, but it sounds as though he's had his trust shattered which can really make people feel frightened and uncertain, and react accordingly.

The only thing that will fix this issue is time and consistency on the part of your sister (that is if she is prepared to commit to the work which she may feel is repetative and tedious). Your sister could attempt to draw some boundaries with her DH, and therefore maintain her own sanity, by trying to compromise with him. For example, "You can call me anytime you need to, and I will do my best to be available to you, but it's not necessary to check my reciepts." (or something like that)

At any rate, it sounds as though they are on very shaky ground at the moment so objective 3rd party assistance. like a counsellor, may help.

It's hard to comment on her dp's reaction as betrayal affects everyone differently.

What I would say is I do believe they need some professional help unless they are good at talking and can talk night after night until they get to the bottom of their issues.

My advice to sis would be for her to decide now, either she wants to stay and work at the marriage or she want's to leave. The grass may or may not be greener. That's not the issue. Does she love dp enough to give it 100% before looking elsewhere, or not?

If she decides to stay she should then put all feelings about finding someone else aside and focus on dh.

Then she needs to talk to dh, or go to counselling, in order to make him realise that a life without trust is worthless. It will make everyone involved truly miserable. It's no way to live.

Her dh has some serious soul searching to do too - either he is prepared to try and get over it. Or he plans to spend the rest of his life on a knife edge. He has to give something back to sis in the form of a commitment to at least try to get a normal life back. It may or may not be possible. But again, if he says up front he's not prepared to try, sis knows she's chosing between a life of explaining herself verus the (potentially good, potentially bad) unknown...

Sadly I think he won't possibly be able to make any progress until sis knows 100% that she wants to be with him. The vibes will be there. He will sense her unease. I just don't think it would work.

Sis has a lot of making up to do and may have to put up with some difficult times and lots of reassurances in the coming months. Only she can decide if she's prepared to do that.

I wish them both the best of luck

sorry, don't know why I suddenly started using dh instead of dp!

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