Ex is still living with us, moving abroad in a month

[NoPhelange]

We have two children, 2yo and almost 8yo.

He has decided that he is going to take an offer of employment abroad, and will be leaving 1st August. Originally he was supposed to be moving out to his own place this Monday.

The kids still don't know that we have even split, because up until now it has all been really amicable and we have managed to live together easily. The plan was to tell the eldest this weekend before he moved out, so it wasn't dragging on for too long.

But now he is moving abroad, a 9 hour flight away, and I have no idea what to do. I've cried, screamed, talked calmly, begged for him not to leave the kids but he is of the opinion that what is the point in staying when he will only see them a few times a week when he moves to his own place, and it's the chance of a lifetime for him. I just feel so full of resentment, he is going to absolutely break the eldests heart, she is such a daddy's girl, and I can't get past the anger that he is willing to do that to her and leave me to pick up the pieces when I've bent over backwards for him since splitting and our entire 12 year relationship really.

If he doesn't go he says he will end up resenting me and the kids for stopping him from making something of his life. Charming. Why he even agreed to having kids is beyond me. His whole attitude to it has been disgusting quite frankly, as long as this benefits him then fuck all of us sort of attitude.

I don't even know what I'm asking for on this thread. Tips on what to tell the kids? Stories from people who have exes or partners who work abroad and how it affects the children at this age? Anything really. I just feel so forced into a situation I want nothing to do with. How can he just leave them and think any job is worth missing out on his children's childhood, kids he never thought he could have, the littlest one will probably have forgotten him whenever he next comes home.

Any words of wisdom that'll help me get through the next month will be greatly appreciated 😢

Yooo you really need to get him to tell the kids. How old are they???
I would make sure he tells them..be there but have him actually do the telling and sooner rather than later

Sorry just saw the ages.....doh!

Don't get me started on this.
My ExH moved abroad.
Only a short flight away.
Never made the effort to see his DD.
I did all the booking of flights for her to visit her dad etc....
He also stopped paying maintenance 8 months in.
I got nothing after that.
And because he was abroad I couldn't get any.
Try to get some legal paperwork in place for maintenance before he goes.
How these fucking disgusting excuses for human beings can just walk away from their kids without a care in the world is beyond me.
Make sure he tells the kids and make sure he does it soon.
Don't let him leave it until the last minute so you have to deal with it on your own.
If he won't do it then you do it.
I fucking hate hate hate these 'men'!!!!

Jeez, what a situation...:(

Practical ideas:

Children's books that deal with the theme of separation/divorce or family far away. Get him to read some of those to them .

I think it is quite important to make it quite concrete where he is going - so that they don't think he is still just round the corner. He needs to show them pictures of where he is going. Show it on the globe or map.

I think that confusion in the children's minds about where he is (always expecting him to pop up) could be worse than them having a clear idea.

Have a go at Skype/Face time.

So sorry. :(

Hells bells. We have reciprocal agreements with some countries so you can pursue.

He is going so you cannot stop him, he has made his choice (however unfair that may seem to everyone concerned)

He and the children can still write, email, skype, text
Will he be providing any contact details ?

Has he spoken about HIM paying for the children to visit him in the future ?
or do you think he will return to visit ?

It sounds like he is looking for a new start and running away from his responsibilities as a parent

He should be the one to tell the children

I would not rely on him for anything in the future

"The kids still don't know that we have even split, because up until now it has all been really amicable and we have managed to live together easily. "
"I've cried, screamed, talked calmly, begged for him not to leave the kids"

If youre honest with yourself, have you kind of been feeling like you havent really split up? Youve said the words but youre still living together, and you were expecting him to get a flat nearby I assume - probably that nothing really would change except that you stopped actually sleeping together.

And now hes decided to move properly away, and you'll be properly separated, your life will change and he wont be in it every day any more, its a full "break up" and its going to be really hard on you and the kids. Make sure you cut yourself plenty of slack over it, get your friends on board etc, all the "just broken up" advice really.

Thanks Jeaux
DD is 19 now.
But he was living totally off grid!
It worked in my favour in the end so all good.

How's it going OP?

Thanks for the replies. He has told me this morning that he is definitely leaving. Asked me and the kids to join him but why on earth he thinks I would I have no idea. We have been split almost 6 months, relationship dead for at least a year before that, and zero effort has been made since the split to try and sort things out. Him asking me to leave my life here is the equivalent of me asking him to stay. So there we go, he's leaving, I'm staying, just feeling very anxious about the future now and how things will turn out. But I have an amazing support network and I know we will be just fine deep down. If he is happy to leave his children then I am happy to let him, I refuse to ever beg anyone again to be a part of their lives, i shouldn't have to.

Now just have to deal with how and when to tell the kids. Soon or wait until nearer the time so the eldest doesn't spend weeks crying about it or asking him not to go?

The sooner the better
Then you are both there to deal with the fallout.
Don't let him put all that on you as well.

Yup, let him have to answer all the kids hard questions, dont let him duck out of that.

What Hellsbells said. Why should you deal with the fallout on your own?!

I 2nd/3rd telling your DC sooner rather than later.
so your ex can take the lead on how he'll manage ongoing contact and his relationship with his DC.
Also he should be the one to answer all those tough questions your eldest DC may have.

Ex moved abroad without saying a word to DC they were left with a lot of unanswered questions. He took the cowardly route and left it to grandparents to break the news.
Unfortunately he wasn't interested in sharing his life abroad with DC and they only saw him when he visited grandparents once/twice per year.
It had a detrimental effect on eldest DC he was lost and questioned me a lot but I only found out same time. We had at this stage been spilt several years but nonetheless it was hard for DC.
Ex provided no contact details ever

Your ex needs to put a real plan in place for contact Skype/face time/ letters/ phone calls
Regular voice/online contact especially at start.

I'm just scared she's going to spend the next few weeks fretting or not really realising what is happening, and then when he goes it'll hit her and we may as well have just told her a few days before he leaves. But I do agree the sooner the better, maybe we will do it tomorrow as there's a lot I need to discuss with him tonight with regards to contact plans/maintenance etc. Fucker

The 8-year-old you need to prepare - the 2-year-old less so. What do you tell her? The truth - as much as possible. You should also tell her that you're no longer together. By all means, tell her a sanitised and simplified version of the above, but don't lie. Make sure that you are telling her the truth. She will remember everything you've said and it will form the basis of her understanding about this momentous change to her life (can you tell I also went through this? I was six - I still remember that conversation with my parents like it was yesterday). Prepare what you're going to say. Be ready to answer her questions. Be ready for tears and/or anger, but just tell her asap.

What a cunt! I'll bet you London to a brick he'll stop paying maintenance. I wouldn't bother facilitating contact for him - he is the one who should be setting up Skype, emails, etc. I don't understand people who can do this to their kids. There's only one explanation: they're twats.

Yep my exh did this too...and back again as it went pear shaped..and now planning to go again...feels he has something to prove Shame he didn't want to prove himself as a dad!!
DS was 14..coped as had got use to the lack of consistency. But Dd is a daddies girl...she had real anxiety and now school refusing..
As for mainternance £ 300 in four years!
I hate how entitled he is...wish I could tell you something positive. all i get is id wish you'd move on! ..I have...but I'm still dealing with fall out and he isn't...

Have you got your ducks in a row paperwork wise?

What are his plans re maintenance?
Where are your DC passports?
Is his name on any bills at your house? What about the mortgage/tenancy? Do you have a joint account? What about savings? Do you have copies of all of his paperwork you would need?

So you would need his permission to take the children out of the country and he could block this but it's fine for him to leave. It sucks and I am sorry you and your children are going through this.

I reiterate above comments re paperwork. I found ex had taken my kids birth certificates, as well as other paperwork.

Use this time to concentrate on getting facts. See a solicitor quickly. Initial consultations are generally a flat fee (about £100) or sometimes free.

If he working abroad for a company as a fixed term it would imply he is returning in 1,2,3 years??

You cannot photocopy anything, but make lists of all details of investments, bank accounts, pensions, etc, etc.

Do you have a savvy friend? Someone like an accountant, lawyer, etc, who is used to disecting information quickly from documents?

Good luck OP, use the next few weeks to get informed financially.

Ie. Mortgage, rent, loan repayments, hire purchase, child maintenance, etc. Can you contact HR at his work?

Most importantly ensure you have the DCs documents safe.

Take care Hun, but youmust get organised, however hard it is.

Let him tell her. If he doesn't, you must tell her soon.

What a selfish wanker he is.

I don't know how you could do it but I'd ask him to cede parental responsibility too.