Partner's recent hot/cold behaviour is making me anxious - thoughts?

[AnnaF55]

Hi everyone. I'd like your advice on whether I should be concerned/how to approach this and whether I am over-thinking things.

I am already feeling slightly anxious as I am taking a job 4 hours away for a 9 month period soon, which is important for my career - partner says he supports me whole-heartedly but hasn't said much else. Meanwhile family and friends have been quite vocal about how they will be sad and miss me lately, he has been silent on the topic mostly!

A few weeks ago we had our first holiday together. DP said he had a wonderful time, as did I. Although during one dinner out he confessed he recently felt like he'd been embarking on one failure after another (which made him sound a bit depressed). He hates his job and has been applying lots for others, but not hearing back. He has a stupidly early start every morning.

• Last week I made us dinner and we went to see a play after. He really enjoyed the play, but on the interval he pulled out a magazine & read it almost the whole time. I felt totlly ignored. He was also very irritable & cynical about everything - the next day he was in a really happy mood, affectionate and said 'I don't know what was wrong with me yesterday'.
• Affection is slightly less. After three days apart, I asked for a cuddle the other day - he said 'how about later, once we've made dinner?' When we went shopping he also walked slightly ahead of me, whereas he usually holds my hand.
• He is not expressing much interest in my day to day life, he always asked about it previously.

Aside from all this, he still says he loves me often, nothing has just changed in bed, and he has planned a date for us next week. What are your thoughts on it?

I agree with your instincts. there is something going on.

Hi bluebell, how do you think I should broach this? Basically ask him if he is having any doubts about me/the relationship? We haven't had a fight and I can't pinpoint a reason for his behaviour other than that I am moving in 2 months and it is secretly getting to him

trying to talk to him is the first step I guess.
-doesn't he want you to go?
-why is he distant physically?
these are the big questions he has to answer truly.
I don't think his only problem is his job, but maybe.

maybe he is distant because you will go-so he wont get hurt much.
also, maybe he thinks if you loved him you wouldn't go.
or there is something else going on.

Is be inclined to think he's depressed. Perhaps the thought of you being away for a prolonged period is worrying him, or he's feeling a failure compared to your recent success with work.

I assume, as you mentioned your first holiday together, that you haven't been together long. Is this upcoming upheaval making him question the security of your relationship perhaps? You really need to sit down together and talk properly.

My first instinct is that he's a bit jealous that your life is going great and you have this great opportunity while his is stalling. He's scared you'll leave him behind. I can imagine feelign that way (while also being happy for them and supportive).

I'd talk to him and say you are worried that he has been a bit distant and is anything bothering him. Maybe also say you're worried about missing him loads and that you can't wait till the 9 months is over, you wish you didn't have to be apart etc.

Is he worried you'll never come back?

If his job isn't working out, is there any chance he could apply for jobs where your new one is and go with you?

My boyfriend can be like this and it's because he's depressed at work and isn't dealing with stress very well. If he's had an OK day at work and a decent sleep then it's like he's a completely different person - very loving, affectionate and warm.
When he's had a bad day or he's exhausted/stressed then he'll be quiet and cold.
I've spoken to him about it and said it causes me anxiety when he chops and changes so much. He was upset that he had been making me feel like that and it's slowly improving.
When I can sense that he's had a really horrible day I just leave him to it though and let him have a bit of space to chill out.

Thanksbluebell.

I asked him if he had something on his mind 2 weeks ago and he said he was a bit worried 'financially'. But he has still been buying sports equipment etc for hobbies so not sure how serious it is

I am wondering if you are correct that it is > maybe he is distant because you will go-so he wont get hurt much. But this will backfire, because I need to feel that the relationship is strong enough to ride out an LDR. I always thought it was, but his behaviour is making me feel otherwise. I asked him to come with me for the duration and although he thought about it, he has said no due to employment recents etc.

The last time I saw him, ysterday before he went to work, he kept kissing me and said 'I don't want to leave your side.' !

Raspberry Beret, I think a lot of what you said makes sense. Actually when I told him I had got the job he said he was 'excited' for me then 'so now you're sorted, it's just me that has to get it together'

I have no intention of leaving him behind or not returning. This is the best relationship I've had in my adult life and I'm mad about him! He has not had the best time lately but he's a resourceful clever guy and I know things will get better for him.

The option for him to come with me is still there, as he knows.

It does sounds like he just feels a bit lost on a few fronts. I'd just keep reassuring him that you'll miss him loads, you can't wait till it is over and emphasize how amazing the weekends you spend together will be. Have you worked out how often you'll see eachother and how you'll keep in touch? You could discuss that so he's reassured. I am in a LDR and video chats are brilliant. Also, not seeing eachother as much does mean the time you spend together is really intense and amazing!

Hi Raspberry. I think I need reassurance that this isn't about me/our relationship and obviously we need to have a talk. I will initiate a talk with him about all of it this weekend. We haven't talked about anything because I suppose we've been on focused on spending time together, but don't think it can be ignored any longer.

Well we're 4 hours apart and flights are average price, but for reasons outside our control the first couple of months will be tough financially. He says he will come and see me the month after I move but then we might not see each other until Xmas/new year feels too far away for me. So maybe I could book a flight to see him before then.

It's good to hear you are in LDR and sounding positive about it - gives me hope!

Seems passive aggressive to me which is one of the WORST qualities in s partner - he won't say "I have a problem with X", he'll just subtly do things to "punish" you for his own perceived failings and self loathing whilst "looking like he's not doing anything wrong"

Moody "on-off" behaviour is the worst - it means you end up doubting your own instincts and judgement.

I dated someone who felt I had some sort of "great lifestyle" ( basically I own my own cheap flat and work long hours so can go away for a few days or go out without worrying about the bank account- happy to treat him)

and he wanted to punish me for it, because what I was "meant" to do was stay in with him wallowing in misery and complaining about how poor we were and falling over my feet in gratitude because he'd bought me an ice cream and he was the big man.

although he was "on paper" overall ok I got a few cases of "let's ruin the evening by sulking and sighing" .

I went NC the last time he did.

These clingy, whiny man baby types NEVER change - it's just their communication style which is all about control, about getting the other person to jump through hoops asking them "what's wrong darling?" and changing their own plans to make them happy. He LOVES that you now have to "wonder what's going on" and spend ages thinking of ways to reassure him rather than having any any Well deserved excitement about your own success - he wants to deflate you and make this about him.

GoogleTed - thanks for your reply. I honestly don't think my boyfriend would intentionally want to hurt me because he is a good man. But I am worried that he is either depressed/acting out a little because I am going away for a while.

About ruining an evening - I don't always feel 100% but when with my partner I try my best to be present. I am fairly sure that he wouldn't act so grumpy with his friends, so why should I be given that treatment? At least he had self awareness about it the next day.

For now I'll take the compassionate approach and hopefully strengthen the r/ship - if the moods/distance continue after that, then yeah, may have a bigger problem on my hands.

Raspberry Beret was right - he is feeling lost and like I am finding my direction while he is still failing. Career-wise he is at a crossroads and not sure which way to turn. He actually got very upset when I had the discussion with him and I had never seen him like that. It hurt me a lot to see him sad.

But he reassured me that he loves and is serious about the relationship. In any case we had a great weekend and I am feeling far more connected to him now. I just wish I could do more to help him through this