Estranged sibling

[bunzie]

Hi there .... My only close family in the country where I live is a married brother... he lives 15 minutes away. I have a lot of extended family living about an hour away. My brother is quite close to my extended family... I too make an effort with them. somehow they mostly communicate to me through him. He knows how much I depend on him and his wife for company... him being my only close family. he also knows that i don't have friends so these family gatherings are my only social interaction. I have 2 dc who are at wonderful playful age and would love to get to know their uncle. but months go by before we hear from my brother. yet I always somehow find out that he visits extended family atleast once or twice a month. they even get together our end of the city and several times my brother has not invited me.

when I point it out to him he says I am being sensitive. i even pointed this out to my cousin when they all met up and i wasn't invited... she got upset... her mum told my brother about how hurt they were when he 'visited' them. and he comes back and asks me to apologise to my cousin and aunt.

my brother is not very successful... on the other hand i have built a good life through hard work and saving. I somehow feel he is trying to exclude me and turning me into black sheep of the family.

ok that might be an assumption... but anyways cos of all this hurting and waiting and so many hints that he is not interested in me or my children... I've stopped talking to him or his wife... I don't make any effort whatsoever...I met him outside a pub on my street once and spoke to him... I keep it casual as if nothing is wrong... its not like we have fought badly or any underlying argument...but back of my head I know it's going to become a estranged relationship and I am the one driving it in that direction...I feel guilty sometimes and most of the time just sad. he is not trouble or toxic...has anyone had to take such a decision and how did you cope?

ps my thought when I saw him at pub on my street was you come to my street but cannot knock in my door to say hello to my children

Some people do separate themselves from their birth family when they get into a relationship/married. Others want to continue having close relationships even though they now live in separate houses.
I am more like you I want our original family to continue. The problem is that we can not decide what others should want.
We may also be up against, so to speak, the in law family to our relative and they may be more demanding and outspoken expecting our relative to attend there functions or go to them on special days.
I waited many years hoping that my own relatives would realise that they had not been with our side for special days for a very long time. In the end I have to accept that what I want is not what they want.

He knows how much I depend on him and his wife for company...

This is the problem, you're too dependent on him and his wife for company and his actions suggest that he'd prefer if you weren't.

Why haven't/ are you making friends connections independently of him?

Isetan.... I've been in the country for 15 years... I know long enough time... but i've found it hard to make friends... had a few work mates but they were young and single... i was married with kids so we just drifted apart as I couldn't do things like going out after work etc. I haven't had any luck with making any mum friends... just exchange pleasantries with the other parents at nursery.

Also its not like I stalk my bro and sis in law... but yeh wud like to see them once in a while... also the extended family is my family as much as his.

i know if I had other friends, the estrangement would happen more naturally and wouldn't feel as bad.

You need to let your db have his own life and meet up with extended family when he likes. You can also arrange to meet extended family yourself and build strong relationships with them. Its not your dbs job to be your social organiser. Just accept your db the way he is. I have a big extended family and my dsis would see them much more than me. But thats because she is a good organiser. Its nothing to do with me. I can plan my own things and cant blame anyone else if l dont.
You are being too sensitive and now you are alienating your one support. If you were in a crisis would your db support you? Im guessing he would so it seems silly to cut him off. Make your own plans with cousins etc. Bring your dc into that circle yourself.

Why don't you make your own plans with your family? You don't have to see them together.

Why can't you maintain a relationship with extended family independent of your brother? I have lived in the Netherlands for 16 years and was a bit of an introvert (less so now) but apart from DD I have no blood relatives here, which means that my social circle is my responsibility.

You can have a relationship with your brother but you don't get to dictate the terms and I do not see how estrangement is going to ease your loneliness. It's ok to be sad that you aren't closer but you can't force relationships on people (even if your related).

You simply have to make more effort and falling back on your brother and his wife to ease your social exclusion isn't working and is probably putting undue pressure on your relationship.

Thanks for the replies...I really did write a post on here to talk to people who have been through estrangement and means to cope .....I am the lonely one and you think I haven't tried what some of you are suggesting? Some of you are making it sound like I am a leech. All I wanted was for my sibling to keep in touch once in a while...I know I make an effort with him and family... but not in a stalking sort of way. same time some of you are suggesting I don't make enough of an effort... there's only so much I can do if people have made it clear that they are not interested....thanks anyways perhaps my post wasn't clear.

I do appreciate that some have suggested making new friends as a means to cope .....I agree that would help.

Post on the Stately Homes thread :)

Posters, myself included, were querying why you can't make direct contact with your extended family yourself?

I do empathise but ultimately your loneliness is your responsibility but you appear to making the case, that its your brother's responsibility too.

You are entitled to be sad but I just don't think that voluntary estrangement is in your best interests, considering that loneliness is your greatest complaint.

I'm completely baffled by the responses on your thread.

Your brother, who lives 15 minutes away from you, actively excludes you from family gatherings. That's hurtful, bizarre, unkind. I have no idea why he's doing it but, hey, it bloody hurts!

I have a sister whom I waited for oooh decades to kind of switch on to me, and us as a family. But nope, I/we waited in vain. She didn't want to know. She very clearly thought we were beneath her (not projecting here, she married 'up' and kicked off her low class family, ashamed of us). She's older now and has suddenly switched into the dutiful daughter. Curious. I could tell you more stories but it would out me.

Imo she is controlling and spiteful. I'd like to see it another way - believe me, in those decades, I tried every permutation to try to make it fit - but there really is no other way to see it.

These days I don't see her. I'm so tired of her. You can fall out of love with family ime.

Build your own life. Just bcs he's your brother doesn't mean he's prepared to recognise any kinship. He seems to be actively excluding you and that just isn't very nice.

If you're more successful than your brother, he could be harbouring feelings of inferiority which manifest as avoidance.
Something to consider.
Additionally, some people get into strange, repetitive routines about visiting family. Maybe, he's one of life's plodders who doesn't do anything spontaneous or on impulse.
Or maybe, he's just who he is. Sometimes, we have to accept that it is what it is and find a different road to follow with the different people we meet on that journey.

I still don't understand why it's your brother's responsibility to invite you to the gatherings of extended family. Is there a particular reason why they can't or won't contact you directly? It just seems bizarre blaming him for not keeping you in other people's loops.

Isetan... I am not saying it's my brother responsibility to invite me... but it is courtesy...I always did... even if extended family paid a surprise visit to mine, I would let him know and ask him and sil to come around. considering we all one group, I can't really ignore the fact that they don't invite me... Its not all family... birthday and stuff I do get invited and also they do this directly... but dare they invite me through him or ask him to pass on a message or decide to go to his place... I won't hear from him.

when my cuz has arranged a meal out... and I asked him bout not letting me know... he gave me the excuse that I had kids... and he was thinking bout how late it wud get etc etc... told him not to worry bout my kids and over work his mind and make assumptions on our behalf.

But I know what you getting at... Just cos he my brother I shouldn't expect them to be my first port of call for social interaction I guess... perhaps its my upbringing... I thought we were close and hence all this drama and attachment.

I m glad I wrote on here though... been drilling into my head that I need to keep active... do more with my family... building new relationships will happen when it happens.

I think you should try to have a relationship with your extended family without involving your brother.

Maybe you could invite them to your house?