think my dh is unhappy, but think he loves me too much to ever leave me

[ifyoulovesomethingletitgo]

Me and dh have been together for 10 years, we have a dd who is 4. As most couples do we have had ups and downs, but I would say we definitely have a happy marriage, we are best friends and talk about everything.

Recently we have been trying to make changes in our lives, e.g. trying to move closer to dh?s work but these have not worked out as planned. As a result dh has seemed very unhappy over the past few months. He says he?s not unhappy with me but with circumstances, but I can just sense that he?s not right. When I talk to him on the phone I can hear the unhappiness in his voice, when he?s home he loves being with us but he just doesn?t seem happy, and the other day he made a comment when he had the school places confirmed and dd had got into our school of choice and he said ?oh well, at least dd will be happy?. I don?t know what to do. I know my dh would be happiest if he didn?t have to spend so much time travelling, but we?ve not been able to move closer and he can?t get a similar job near where we already live. I know that he loves me, and I know that me and dd are his world, but I also know he feels as if he just passes through here of an evening and then the chore of travelling starts all over again.

On a personal level we are generally happy, sex life etc is frequent, but I know this does frustrate him a bit too as I?m not at all adventurous and I know he would like to try new things/put a bit of fun into things but I?m not and have never been like that. He did tell me once that I was boring in bed, but he would never force me to do anything that I didn?t want to/was not comfortable with.

We have no joint friends as dh?s friends are all local to where he works and I don?t make friends easily so I have few friends whereas he has a couple of close friends that he socializes with without me. He does say that he would love for me to be included in that group of friends but given the distances involved that?s just not possible.

I have discussed all this with him on numerous occasions, but he says that he loves me and couldn?t imagine his life without me/dd. But I can?t help thinking that if he wasn?t with me he would, ultimately, be happier. If he didn?t have to live so far away from work he wouldn?t be so tired, and eventually he would perhaps find someone who could give him all the things I can?t.

I want him to be happy but I can?t help thinking that I?m not the one that makes him happy.

?if you love something, let it go, if it comes back, it?s yours for ever, if it doesn?t, it was never meant to be?. Should I live by that filosophy? It would break my heart if he left me, I love him so much that I can?t imagine my life without him, but I also love him so much that I want his happiness above my own.

Hello - You sound as though you know half of the answers to your problem already, although they might be incorrect (ie - your DH does want only you and isn't as unhappy as you think he is).
It sounds like a complete mix of just everything building up that's making him seem unhappy - especially his job distance.
When you say he can't get a closer job - is that because he has to stay with that company or could he venture into a new career or something similar closer to home?
Do you have family nearby (his or your's).
When he said you were boring in bed - he probably just meant unadventurous and not assertive enough - even if you do the same thing every week, if you're assertive about it and make little changes, a bit at a time (that you feel comfortable with), he'll really notice. Even if you just bought a new night slip or something - he'll notice.
You both sound tired out with all the travelling he's doing - you know he'll be tired once he gets home - maybe you could get a babysitter and drive and meet him after work (if you've got 2 cars), have a few drinks with his friends then the two of you go for a romantic meal before going home. Just once in a while wouldn't be too tiring.
Or why don't you send him sexy texts whilst he's at work or on his way home - that'll take the monotony out of his otherwise boring day.
If you know he loves you and DD more than anything - why would he want to leave?
I think you need to really talk to him, ask him how he feels, what would make him feel better etc - if it's not an answer you like, you might be able to do something to change it quite easily and something that doesn't involve him leaving - which I'm sure he doesn't want to do by the sounds of it.

sorry - forgot to say, at one stage in our marriage, my DH told me we were more like brothers and sisters and that although we always chatted about everything, he didn't feel like the same spark was there like before we had kids. Once we made time for ourselves to be like we used to be (flirty/going on dates etc), things got a lot better and he said it was like the old times and not such a plutonic relationship (as lots of marriages become once kids are involved).

If your husband is constantly exhausted, that could be reason enough for not being happy. It's really hard to enjoy life at all when you're very tired.

Maybe you should address this issue as your number one priority? Maybe you just HAVE to move closer to his work (even if that means eg a less nice house).

you make it sound like it is more important that he keeps his "good" job than his life with you and dd.

Surely if you are good as a unit, and he is not happy because the job is too far away - then if you can't move nearer the job, then the job is the thing that goes.

If you between agree that is the solution then you have to work out different career options.

A job on its own isn't much of a life.

Agree with the other posters so far. Surely if the job is making things so miserable it either has to go, or you have to move and make whatever compromises are necessary.

Why break up a happy loving family for the sake of a job? Life's too short.

Take some positive steps. Even show him your op so he knows how you feel. I bet he'll be truly shocked you feel that way and be able to reassure you.

Agree with the little steps in the sex department too. Ok so you may never be hanging off the chandeliers so to speak! But little things. Sexy underwear. As it's happeneing you take the initiative to change position, (even if only a slight change it's a start), have a trip to Ann Summers and see if anything takes your fancy and you might like to try! Better still go there together. Sex doesn't always have to be full on romance and passion, the ability to experiment and be able to laugh helps!!

But stop being hard on yourself. You're both in the relationship together and if either of you is unhappy, for whatever reason, then try to sit down and work out what the problem is, then work together to find a solution. You'll both be stronger for it in the long run.

You sound like you have the basics for a wonderful, long and happy marriage. Don't give up

can you try again to move closer to dhs job?

my dh has a 4hr commute every day, and he seems unhappy at times. he is just so exhausted

we are moving closer to his job hoepfully in the summer if we can get our house sold

he has tried too to get a similar job closer to here but it hasnt happened

We're also going to move closer to dp's job as the commute knackers him out this results in him being miserable and resentful and me being miserable and resentful as he spends most of his week travelling to and from work instead of being home with me and the dcs and when he is home he's too tired to do anything useful or even hold a decent conversation. I'd try and move nearer his work if I were you.

Hi - How your DH feels is a little how im feeling at the moment so you may like to hear a guys point of view.

As the 'man of the house' its a natural instinct to be a provider to you and your children (im not suggesting you dont work as you may well do but this is about what a mans instinct is).

I have been going through a period of feeling really pretty low about my family life recently. It doesnt mean I feel anything less for my wife or our son - infact quite the opposite, I feel more for them than ever. Its more a case of not feeling we have a direction as a family. In so many ways I couldnt be happier but in some ways I feel the total opposite and because of that it seems to cloud everything thats important. My wife has suggested that I may be feeling depressed - and I wouldnt totally disagree with that. So what I have to do is look at what I have and whats missing and try and find a way round it. Like your husband I couldnt imagine my life without my family and dont want that to change but small things can eat away at the bigger picture and this is where things need to be put into perspective.

Your husband obviously keeps his job because it gives him and you as a family the stability that you all need. Once again he is doing what is natural as a father and husband and being a provider. The problem you seem to have is that in him doing this its actually making him forget what its all about - its a catch 22.

So, from a guys point of view you need to make him aware that you appreciate all hes doing for the family - thats the first and most important thing. Then you need to let him know that its making you unhappy seeing him like that. Dont make him give up his job (unless thats an option) as its his way of providing you and your children with support. We all feel a little sorry for ourselves from time to time and your husband saying "at least dd will be happy" is only that and i really wouldnt worry. It seems to me that you just need to make him feel that all hes doing is worth it - that every mile he drive is appreciated. Im not suggesting you dont already but keep at it and hopefully soon it will sink in.

Good luck

I could have written this post. My dh too works a two hour commute from here and we too have been trying to move to lessen his commute. And our move is also on the verge of falling through due to the fact we've been unable to sell our house. And my dh also appears to be ve unhappy as less commuting seemed to be in sight and now this appears to not be going to happen. Unfortunately my dh isn't able to move closer to here as the salary he earns he just wouldn't be able to earn closer to here, and while it isn't all about money, we wouldn't be able to sustain the mortgage etc if dh had to take a signifficant paycut, and I couldn't find a job that would pay me enough to make up the shortfall, and downsizing the house isn't an option because we can't sell the house because if we could we'd be moving ... catch22 situation.

I'm actually terrified that my dh will ultimately resent the fact so much that he might leave, but I know that he loves me and I know that he couldn't see his life without us either. And ultimately, things happen for a reason, and although I don't know what that reason is at the moment I can't spend my life wondering what if, because all the what if's in the world might never happen.