Old friendship has changed - advice needed

[EverythingBut]

I'm struggling with a friendship and would appreciate outsider perspectives if anybody has any ideas as to what might be happening and / or what I can do about it.

I am early 30s and have been friends with another woman, same age, since we were about 12. We live about 500 miles apart and have done for the last ten years. Always been in regular contact (about once a week).

Over the last couple of years the dynamics have massively changed and I'm realising that most of my interactions with her leave me feeling sad.

The biggest difficulty for me is that she never, ever asks how I am. Ever. She never asks after my husband or son either. She only seems to talk about herself. If I bring up something to do with me she will acknowledge it but she never asks me to elaborate and will never ask at a later date about anything I've previously mentioned.

It makes me feel like shit and I don't understand why she is friends with me. Do I sound needy or does this sound one sided and not a normal friendship? She makes me feel like she doesn't care about me.

If I'm not being needy and you agree that she doesn't sound like a great friend, what do I do? I don't feel like I can stop talking to her because we have known each other for so long and I do really care about her and love her.

I'm so sad about it all, I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry OP, that sucks.
Have you told her how you feel?

It sounds one-sided. If you don't actually want to break contact with her, do you have other friendships where they engage in the social ping-pong of showing an interest in your life?

Ditch her, find better friends

Seriously don't waste your time, you know what you need to do

Be kind to yourself

I have just ditched old friends as again all one sided in conversation and not once in the last year have they called, text, emailed or FB messaged to ask how DH is despite him having stage 4 cancer

@FiveGoMadInDorset

That is terrible, Five.

I have a friend of thirty years standing. She recently hasn't commented on stuff I've told her that was huge. I didn't contact her for more than six months due to what was going on in my life. I got a long email from her. I've replied. Again, no acknowledgment of what's gone on in my life. The fact I haven't told her one big thing about me and one about my child is making me question if we're real friends.

I haven't said anything to her and I'm not sure why. When I imagine having the conversation I don't know what I'd say and I'm terrified of how she would react. What can I say?

I do have other friendships that are very good, thank you for asking spongebobjudgeypants.

My husband says I should distance myself as he hates how sad she makes me but we've shared a lot (equally before the last couple of years) and I care about her.

I'm so sorry to hear that Five

Going this sounds similar to my situation. I sometimes don't text for a while to almost test what happens (which is pathetic in itself). She never contacts me and I'm always the one to check in. Some big things have happened in my life that she has absolutely no clue about. It makes me feel absolutely horrible.

I know, it is horrible. I'll be your friend .

What's changed in the last couple years?
Most friendships evolve or even come to an end. Have expectations changed? Have you actually told her that you need her to ask about you when you talk about you because it sounds like you're putting up with / being codependent, rather than confronting her. One of my friends doesn't take a breath, she talks too much and for too long. I restrict how much I see her and tell her directly if I've had enough of her yapping. Another spends too long round my house. I tell her very directly (but we're Caribbean, possibly more cultural license?) to get the hell outta my house. I'm sure there's loads of stuff on Google about handling 'all about me friends' if you think it's worth it. But be careful not to blame her for being who she is if deep down it's you that's simply moved on and done with the relationship.

Have you said anything to your friend going? I really want to get it out in the open and have a conversation about it but don't know how to.

I think deep down I know she would deny behaving that way and turn it around into her being hurt by me being unreasonable. I think at the bottom of it all she is completely self centred.

Thank you cappy. There was a definite shift when I became pregnant. Her and her husband were positively nasty to me when I visited at 7 months gone. We are both fairly successful in our careers. We also both work in male dominated sectors. She had always said she didn't want children and that she was focused on her career and I wondered if she resented me for stepping out of work. Like I'd let her down maybe. But then she did get pregnant in the end, not long after I had my son but the relationship never went back to how it was.

I just want her to be interested in me but maybe she just isn't anymore! I know I need to do something but I'm unsure what.

I have a friend like this. It's all me me me with her.
Really brought it home to me recently when my dad died and she said how sad it was as it made her think of her dad dying.( he is still very much alive!)
Have massively reduced my contact with her.

I don't know about ditching such an old friendship for that, OP. Friendships go through stages and this might come out the other side.

maybe try giving her an opportunity to show interest and engagement in your life, as she may feel you are 'sorted' and dont 'need her' like she needs you- say for example, 'I would really value your perspective/opinion about x' (even if you dont need it iyswim) then if there's still nothing coming back , just let contact fade out, only have any contact initiated by her, and dont ask her anything, just respond to what she brings up.

I've done this with a friend, we now see each other around twice a year, (instead of several times a week) where she brings me up to date with her job, marriage, kids, holidays etc,, and I just sit entertained for an hour or so.

Its no burden to me, and I wouldn't want to ditch her, cos she's harmless really.

You might have something with the pregnancy timing Everything. When I got pregnant went very weird indeed on me. She had decided, as a lesbian woman, that she wasn't going to have children, but I think it brought up all sorts of issues for her around it. Unfortunately, instead of discussing it, she just became very nasty. The frienship didn't survive it.

A friend went weird on me. Doh.

Thanks Atenco, that sounds hopeful. I don't know how to deal with now though. It's starting to really affect me and make me feel down.

Guffaux that actually sounds very doable. Thank you for taking the time to reply. The situation you have with that friend sounds really reasonable. I think if I just had to deal with her ego twice a year it would be fine and I wouldn't have to lose contact completely. I'm wondering whether part of it is about me accepting that she isn't going to be the kind of friend I am to her.

It absolutely sounds to me as if you are grieving for the friend you 'thought you had' , Everythingbut

If you are always the one to get in contact, in your shoes I would just sit it out and see what happens. If she gets in touch, then take it from there. You will at least know that she wants to get in touch. If not....

I've said I'm conscious that due to how I'm feeling I've not been in touch more or as we used to be and I hope we can be closer again but it's achieved nothing. She's said she'll call, text, reply when she gets in then doesn't. I've always felt I've needed her more than she me but she calls me her best friend . I suspect that I've had a lot going on that she isn't interested in, doesn't know what to say, is bored of hearing it though some is new and some so huge you'd think she'd care enough to respond. We've known each other 30 years .

Oh I'm really sorry Going. That sounds so tough for you. It's funny how some of the things you say are very similar; one of the things that bothers me is that she is very open and vocal on her social media about me being her "best friend". I sometimes think if she didn't say this then I wouldn't expect different actions maybe? I can't understand why she tells the world how much she loves me but treats me fairly badly.

Maybe ask her if you feel brave enough? I'm withdrawing which isn't good but I'm fed up of feeling crap.

Your friendship sounds like it's too much of an effort.

Personally, I'd cut and run. If she cared she'd ask after you. If she doesn't really care, you'll know where you stand.