Wraparound care argument

[CousinKrispy]

Hi all, I'd like some perspective on an argument my husband and I are having about wraparound care for DD. I'll try to be brief!

DD is in reception.

DH and I both work fulltime, no option to reduce hours.

DH works from home 3 days/week (I don't have that option) and does the school run and works shorter hours on those days.

He has a long commute on the other 2 days/week and works longer days then. On those days, DD attends afterschool club and I do the school run.

When DD was assigned to her school, they didn't have enough space in ASC for all the kids so 3 days/week was the max they could offer. I couldn't find a childminder or any alternative provision close enough to be practical, but we've managed with our funny schedules.

However, it's been a pain in the arse as there have been several instances this year when one or the other of us has had to travel for work or my husband's usual "in the office" day has moved to a different day of the week (one of the days when ASC is not available to us). Neither of us wants DD to attend ASC every single day, but it would really help to have more flexibility.

We can sometimes get help from other parents (and give them help when we can) but not always.

No family living nearby to help out.

We now have the opportunity to sign up for wraparound care for next year. I rather like the idea of asking for a full 5 days/week of ASC so we have the option when it's needed, even though it would mean paying for some days we don't use.

I am in a managerial position and while I don't think that means I'm hot shit and can spend money like water ;-), it does have a real impact on my job when I can't be there because of not having ASC available at all on certain days.

DH is against this. I think it's mainly because he hates to spend money (we could afford this if we decided it was a priority). He thinks we should rely on asking favours from other parents.

His other reason is that if he had ASC available on his work from home days, instead of working short days then (as he is supposed to do), he would end up working longer days because he finds it hard to stop working when he's supposed to (he already struggles with this and often logs on in the evenings. I don't think his inability to stop work on time is a very good reason to not have greater flexibility.

Am I just being stupid to even consider paying for childcare on days when we wouldn't use it every single time? Obviously that also has an impact on other parents which I don't want to be selfish about.

I'm too tired right now to get into the rest of the disagreement and the real relationship-y stuff but would love some perspective on whether I'm just being completely dense about how much wraparound care is reasonable.

thanks in advance.

This is a difficult one. Firstly I would say that if you can easily afford the 5 days then just pay for them. It makes both your lives simpler and avoids panics and having to try to find cover. I know myself it can be a nightmare.
If you can't really afford it then your husband has a point.
In response to your husband working at home on a ASC day, why doesn't he just pick DD up a bit early from ASC? That way she is still making use of it but he doesn't have to work longer hours. I think that excuse is a bit feeble though - he chooses to not stop working and that is his issue not yours!

And to add, I had a similar scenario where my ex used to work shifts so some weeks we didn't need ASC but still had to pay for it. Its just the way it is unfortunately.

Pay for 5 days but don't use it. I prefer to have it and not use it. I hate my children going to wrap around care so would often not use it 1 or 2 days but at l least we had it

Unless you could always reciprocate with the other parents, I think you do need to book ASC 5 days a week.
Your DHs inability to stop working at an appropriate time is not a reason to book the care you need!

How often do you need to ask for help and it doesn't work. Taking wraparound care you don't need all the time is taking it from others. If it happens that you ask for help once or twice a term you don't need it if you do,once a fortnight take it

Hmm we had a similar scenario but wraparound were always quite flexible. Obviously not an option here (ie I could say can we swap Tues for Thurs next week).

DON'T rely on favours. Just don't - not if you would absolutely be stuffed without said favours and not until you are further through the school, know parents much better and might end up arranging mutually beneficial swaps. (you may already know folk very well though, I don't know).

My option would be childminder - are you SURE you can't find one locally who would welcome the odd ad-hoc day? We've got several parents at the school who are registered CMs who have their own kids and aren't full-on childminding but who are known to cover thigns like this quite happily.

You aren't being unreasonable to go for full wraparound, but given that you only need 2 days a week it does seem a slightly pricey solution.

I would book full time ASC in your shoes. Ours here is supremely flexible which I'm really grateful for but if it weren't, that's what I'd do.

Cobbled together childcare is for emergencies, not regular cover

Which of you does he think would do the actual approaching of other parents to ask these favours? Would it be you, not him? I would bet on it.

It is worth a lot to know you have reliable childcare when you need it. That's what you're paying for. Peace of mind. I would book the five days. You can always change again later if you really find you don't need it.

Full cover. Parental favours are for emergencies only.

Your kids, you pay for them. Not worth the stress, other people have lives too.

Give your jobs you can't ever return the favour by what you say in your OP?

I would book the ASC for five days. It gives you more flexibility, and he can always pick up early.

If he is the one who doesn't want the extra days asc then he has to be the one who does all the faffing about trying to sort out childcare on other days. Will he do that?

If I could afford it I would definitely take the full time place. How much is it anyway, I think it's £8 a day for us. I would happily not use 2 days at that price if it made life easier.

Thank you everyone. I thought this question was stupid and no one would answer. It is good to see a variety of opinions.

The real issue isn't so much having these extra 2 days of wraparound care (we actually have 3 days/week ASC right now, H works from home on Fridays but takes advantage of ASC that day to have a more relaxed work schedule). Though I do feel strongly we shouldn't impose on others too muchH likes to tell me I "don't understand" how eager other people are to help outand to be fair he does sort out the cover himself for those days when his schedule changes.

The real issue is the underlying shit (isn't it always?) which can be summed up by our exchange about it this morning.

me: [trying to explain some of the reasons why having more days booked would be useful.]
him: why are you getting so upset about this?
me: I feel like you're not listening to me.
him: I'm not listening, I've stated my opinion already.

And that's it in a nutshell. He has stated his opinion; my opinion doesn't agree with his, therefore he doesn't have to listen to it. So we might not actually need those extra 2 days of ASC so much but I have to live with the knowledge that I married someone who doesn't respect me enough to listen to a differing opinion. Though he will deny it when I point it out and say I'm just overreacting and I won't let go of resentments and why am I so angry?

I dread leaving because I know what he's like when he's upset (I am a psychopath and a bitch and should go back to my home country and leave DD with him! He will move out with DD and I will only be allowed to visit her on weekends! no, I'm the only thing that's brought him happiness and he'll drink himself to death without me and I will have ruined everyone's lives if I leave--etc.) and I feel so trapped as my family are all overseas and it will be so hard to work out the logistics.

This isn't about this one incident, this just reinforces what I've finally come to understand about the overall pattern of our relationship. I have spent 10 years trying to figure out "what is wrong and is it OK to hurt him and our daughter by leaving?" and I honestly think there's a big difference between "deliberate campaign of sustained abuse" (not him IMHO) and "occasional bullying because he is an insecure git" (him) but I am cracking now.

Sorry I have to run off home and I don't look at MN on any home devices in case he looks. I need more ducks in a row before I take the next steps. I feel weird about posting this out of the blue but reading the good advice on here has helped get my head clear enough about this in the first place so thank you mumsnetters.