Now what do I do.....

[lifegavemelimes]

Dh of 15 years has left. No longer loves me. Swears there is no OW. Living back at his parents. We have 4 dc together from 18months to 12 years.

I'm expecting that we will divorce on mutual grounds saving cost and hassle as no one is to blame apart from he doesn't love me anymore where as I'm completely shocked and devastated.

The thing is one of my dc has told me about a lady friend daddy knows. She has twin dc and apparently they've seen her multiple times now even been to her house for pizza. To the park and a pub garden.....

The thing is .... am I being paranoid? And aibu to think that if she is the reason he has left that I should be divorcing on grounds of adultery? The only problem is proving it. I don't want to get a few month/years down the line and something come out that means I could have divorced on grounds of adultery.

Aibu that he shouldn't be introducing my dc to her this soon? Apparently they are just friends.... but I've been a long time lurker and now first time poster and I've seen how these things go.

I'm struggling so so so much and would love to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. My jeolous and scorn feelings are awful to deal with and I can't stand it. I feel so so worthless and ugly... I've seen her Facebook profile pic and she's not exactly a model. I just hate he's thrown away so much to be with her IF he is with her...

I don't know I just need some mumsnetter help and support through this

I don't have much advice- going though something similar! But thinking of you

Sorry to hear that wombat how are feeling?

Awful! Like I want to just disappear! Similar story- husband of 10 years said he wants to be by himself. Defineately another woman in the scene, now obsessing over! It's all just horrible.

All the advice that I received on here that it will get better and that the best revenge is living a good and happy life.

Oh gosh I'm sorry to hear that I wouldn't wish this on anybody.... everyone keeps telling me the same thing that it will get better and easier but I just can't see it. I've been to rock bottom and to points suicidal.

I don't want to get a few month/years down the line and something come out that means I could have divorced on grounds of adultery.

I think you need to figure out why the above is so important. Is it that you just want to know the truth? If so the grounds of divorce dont matter.

Its shit. Its really shit. But if you can figure out with it important to divorce for adultery, you maybe able to figure out how to move on.

Saiman I think it is just the feeling of been deceived and lied to. Him saying all these reasons why he doesn't love me anymore are just the usual stuff that they say.... not feeling affection, feeling unappreciated, housework, finances, sex.....etc

It's all pinned on me why he's left and I feel embarrassed like I've failed in my wifely duties. When in reality if he has been having an affair then I feel he should be outed so everyone knows the truth. I feel it will help me get over this quicker and hate him more. I need to get angry instead of pining over him.

Keeping in mind all the above reasons he's given, everyone has said that it's all crap and I'm a normal housewife and mother who has a lot to deal with and it's all excuses.

2.5 years ago, h ran off with younger woman he worked with (oldest story in the book) and I got The Script. Eventually, I was told a bit of the truth i.e. that there was an OW and that was why he was leaving but the lies he told in the interim were stupid and unnecessary, and mean that I can't trust him, which made the divorce process more difficult.

My h was right to leave if he was unhappy and he thought he could be happier elsewhere, I'm not advocating couples should stay together come what may, till death us do part, but for goodness sake why can't these bloody people have some honour, and some integrity and just be honest? I am not owed a life long marriage, but what I AM owed is some respect, some dignity in the ending of a long relationship.

Rant over OP, sorry.

You wanted light at the end of the tunnel: he left 2.5 years ago. I decided that wasn't going to define my life, and that I'd just say yes to stuff.ive had more fun, holidays, laughs, new experiences in the last 2 years than for ever. I'm back to being me (my h wasnt abusive, but I was acquiescent, a peace-maker), life is good. I wouldn't have him back under any circumstances. I have a lovely kind new man too!!

Cherchez la femme.
There is one.
men never leave without a new option to go to.

Get yourself a good solicitor to ensure you get all your entitlements.
expect him to start playing dirty on who's entitled to what, before the summer is out.

Theo I completely agree that no one deserves to spend a life in an unhappy marriage. It is just that though the honesty and the lies it's just too much on top of everything else. He had an EA a few years ago and he lied then about it. Only relaying truths that I knew about so this time I'd rather him think I know everything and him to be not sure what I know so he tells me how long, how serious and things. I just want to know and feel I need to it's driving me mad

yeah, but he may never, ever admit it. they often don't.
and he has form for lying.
don't expect satisfaction there.

all the more reason to get lawyered up and ensure you get all you're entitled to.

Is there no way of avoiding a solicitor I'm really worried about the costs I wouldn't have the faintest idea on where to start.
I can't believe this is happening I don't know life without him I'm so scared ...

Hang on in there lass and take one day at a time, one minute at a time if necessary.

Be kind to yourself.

I think you can park the divorce thing maybe for a very short while. Just stop thinking about it, even just for a couple of weeks.

You're in shock right now. Take it easy.

And when it comes to him, you just hammer it home that you know. Tell him you don't want your DC spending time with his new lady friend they've been telling you about - it's too soon and is upsetting and confusing for them, if he cares about them properly, he'll intriduce her when it's longer term. Brush off his protestations with a laugh. Tell him fine, you'll have a £100 bet that they're public together within a couple of months - does he fancy it? Or should you run a sweepstake with your friends? Tell him EVERYTHING he's been saying about you, trying desperately to blame his infidelity on you, is the oldest script in the book, and that you and everyone else is laughing at it, and him. Send him a copy of 'The Script'. Remind him, time and time again, that all he's doing is making himself look a fool and a liar, and you'd have more repsect for him if he had more respect for himself and came clean - he wanted to be with someone else, so far so cheaty, his decision, own it. Laugh every time he comes up with a blame point and say no, it's because you cheated. You left because you cheated. We will all just be waiting for Pub Garden Woman to be made public as a 'new girlfriend' and then we will laugh louder and longer.

He's a twat, and for the record it's hugely likely they'll break up - these things are tricky to make work. Don't take him back!!!

Thankyou fizzy I honestly thought that it would be the image of them together in bed or doing whatever that would really tip me over but it isn't.... I can't see how they would work out holidays and god knows what else in the future with all these kids and how he's going to pay for hers too as stepchildren when he's paying for ours. Again I'm just thankful she's no model and from her photos looks a lot older too
Don't get me wrong I'm not gorgeous especially as I have such low self esteem but must say the positive thing to come out of this is the benifits from the heartbreak diet I'm feeling much better being able to wear shorts in this weather....well... last weeks weather has given me a confidence boost. I need to get out as I'm just pathetically crying all day everyday. I need to go for a night out and I know this sounds desperate but it might make me feel better if i got some male attention even! Right now I can't imagine there being anyone out there for me ever again .

I would be rushing to agreeing to a divorce! I'm sure the OW will become public knowledge soon enough and you can divorce on grounds of adultery.

Everything you're feeling and thinking now is a very natural response to what's happened to you. I'm a year and a half down the line and I can tell you that I'm fine now. I didn't believe it when people told me I'd be ok again, but they were right. You just need time to adjust. Don't push yourself to feel better, it will happen naturally. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Do something that makes you feel good and brings a little happiness to your life. Small steps.

I agree it sounds like an OW. My divorce only cost a few hundred pounds with Quickie Divorce and was very straightforward. There is no benefit to be gained from divorcing for adultery and it's very difficult to prove unless they admit to it. I had texts as proof but was told that unless there is a baby or evidence of them actually in the act of shagging that it was extremely difficult to prove. I opted for unreasonable behaviour in the end and you can use the adultery as an example. Good luck. 😊

Wanttobeme how do you cope now with the jealousy and horrible feelings of seeing him with someone else or the kids with her? I'm even terrified of when she gets introduced to his family! I feel so left out. God I wish he was ugly !!!!

OP I actually don't care if he's with someone else. I just kept telling myself why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. What's the point of that. I spent too many years trying to hold on to him & I cringe at myself when I think about that. I don't have DC, so I didn't have to deal with that aspect of breaking up, but if any of the many comments are true on here, your DC will always be yours and you won't have to worry bout an OW taking away their love for you.

Hugs OP as going through similar.
I received the script, doubled with it was all my fault etc etc, low and behold few weeks later he's dating!
I never heard of 'the script' before I started reading on here, is there actually a version of it as it'd be good to read it to see how similar STBEXH version was.

I was interested if there was a fine tuned draft of it too!!