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Relationships

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Girlfriend and I on a sort of "break" - what to do?

11 replies

peter24393 · 28/06/2017 15:40

I am 17 as is my girlfriend. We both, around 2 weeks ago, weirdly said the same thing: we don't know what's going to happen in university, which is a year off yet but we both said it at the same time. We also said that we feel married off already as we do a lot together i.e. school, after-school, most weekends, and although it is not a bad thing exactly, obviously our friends are neglected a bit which we try to limit but it seems to just happen as it is often easier to be together. Also, she is very intertwined with my family, being close to my mother in particular. So, when we said we wanted time alone to see how things were without eachother to save the heartache (possible heartache) next year of when we go to university (we both said we'd probably find it too difficult through university to stay together - its far off but we still thought this), we thought we'd end things mutually and amicably, vowing to stay friends.

At first, I found this difficult but she seemed more optimistic and positive. So, i changed and became a bit more optimistic and was genuinely enjoying my time alone. However, at a party on the weekend, she got into an argument with her bestfriend and, unbeknownst to me, called my mom because she had a panic attack. Long story short, my mom said to me she had better come back purely for welfare sake, which was difficult for me in that i cared for her but didn't want things to spark back up so soon. She came back, we had sex, now she is saying she regrets our decision. But, i don't, at least not yet anyway. She has been with her friends for the past 2 weeks, and one of them is constantly wanting to meet these group of lads which my gf says she feels uncomfortable doing purely because she thinks, and rightly so, it is too soon to be surrounding yourself with lads who you don't necessarily know but who take an interest in you. Because she has felt uncomfortable doing this, i feel like she is only regretting it because she has little else to do but meet these lads, so i think she wants to get back to just fill the time kind of thing. I have touched on this with her but nothing has really come of it.

I said yesterday that I want some time still to get my head right as it has only been 2 weeks since our decision, and for both of us to come to that decision, obviously it is something we wanted/needed, and although she regrets it, i'm not sure if its wholly sincere.

I feel really pressured at the moment 1. due to school work and 2. because of this issue, and it was much easier when she was with her friends because we weren't talking, and although i have realised i really do enjoy her company and it feels natural to be around her etc, i still need time for a bit. BUT, this weekend, i wanted to visit a university for an open day, so did she. She said her dad could give us a lift, which i said fine i'll come as i had no other way of getting there, and since we agreed to be friends, i thought it'll be fine. Ever since she has said she regrets it and has increasingly attempted to/become more couple-y with me, i feel anxious because 1. i don't want her to get a false idea despite what i have said and 2. i don't want her to think she can come back to mine afterwards because of our situation. Anyway, he couldn't take us, and my mom has offered to. So really, my issue is, which is need advice on please is: how do i convey i need more time and space without any relationship-type things more strongly so she understands but not hurt her feelings, and what do i do if i end up realising the break-up should be permanent? Although i do love her and want to be with her, i have enjoyed my company and my friends', and have realised the low amount of stress i have had since our break up. Effectively, i don't know if my decision was right, how long i should wait to see or whether i should make it permanent.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Materdolores · 28/06/2017 15:57

You sound sensible and mature. ( I don't want to patronise you)
Is it all or nothing with your ex? You could try limiting the time you spend together. How about outside of school only one evening or afternoon per week.
It's ok to end the relationship if you don't want to be with her. But you're not sure? In your position I'd be firm about not spending time with her.
Make plans with your friends and encourage her to do the same.
How would you feel if she met someone else?

noego · 28/06/2017 15:57

Tell her what you have told us. You want to relax the relationship between you for more time on your own and with your friends.

peter24393 · 28/06/2017 16:13

Hi guys, thank you for replying.

With my ex, there is a lot still between off, mainly because we didn't want to split in the first place, but we felt with university and like spending a year together simply to break up (obviously it might not happen, but it is likely, i think) would be kind of pointless to stay together as it felt like there was an expiry date. Obviously, at first both of us were very upset but felt compelled to do it; but, since then, i have realised that i enjoy her company but also my own too, and i feel like she is becoming really hopeful since she became regretful simply because i have just tried to be nice about her and me as to not hurt her. At first, time apart was working fine and we would speak occasionally, but since the weekend, it has all changed and i thought this weekend might give us a clear head but since she is with me for a day now, it doesn't. Plus, i go away for a week in 2 weeks time, so i was thinking that could be the perfect time to re-evaluate things?

On the note about her meeting someone else: of course, it would be hard and i truly do not know how i'd feel - i want to be with her, but something in my head is holding me back as i do feel really overwhelmed with it all at the moment. Plus, with everyone knowing about us not being together anymore, i feel like i've wasted my friend's time talking to them about it - i know i shouldn't care about other people's opinions etc but i do.

Another thing: i feel like 2 weeks is definitely not enough time to see how being single is - something i have tried to communicate to my gf but with her being upset when we talk about it, i can't exactly be frank on this issue.

I think i will re-iterate, however, that i need some more time to get my head back and just tell her what i'm thinking again Smile

OP posts:
noego · 28/06/2017 16:20

You cannot predict or control the future, you can only do what you are doing now and the future will unfold in its own way.

peter24393 · 28/06/2017 16:27

So do you think making that decision was too early or do you think having time apart to really see would be best? I feel like having a few weeks apart would allow both of us to see whether we really are interested in each other or not, and if we were to get back together straight away, then i feel like there's more opportunity for 'breaks' and break-ups along the way if we didn't take this as a serious thing, if that makes sense?

Thanks again

OP posts:
monkeywithacowface · 28/06/2017 16:28

Honestly? You need to just make a decision. You are stringing her a long a bit with this whole "let's see how being single feels" angst.

You are both young it is unrealistic that this is a relationship that will last forever, especially when you go off to uni so I've make a clean break now or get back together and enjoy your time until uni and then see what happens.

I think you know your heart isn't in this relationship so it would be kinder to finish things properly, don't keep her hanging on.

isitjustme2017 · 28/06/2017 16:31

Obviously you are both still very young and it sounds like your relationship has been rather full-on! Spending so much time with someone can be quite intense.
It sounds like you were both very sensible to decide to separate with the uncertainty of University approaching but looks like this is not what she wants after all.
All I can suggest is that you sit her down and explain that you need more time on your own to decide if this is for the best. Don't be emotionally blackmailed into being with her again if its not what you want.
You sound like a lovely lad so I'm sure you will find a way to tell her nicely and not hurt her feelings.

PsychedelicSheep · 29/06/2017 10:35

I also think you sound incredibly mature and wise for a 17 year old.

You say it was your mum who suggested you get back with her 'for welfares sake'. This strikes me as a little odd and inappropriate. Why does your mum gets to make decisions about your relationships in this way?

If this girl suffers with anxiety it is not your (or your mums) job to fix or protect her. Where are her own family in this? Has she seen a doctor or a counsellor for help? My concern is that she starts to rely on you and your family too heavily for support and this will make it very difficult for you to end the relationship if you choose to, either now or next year or anytime.

Polarbearflavour · 29/06/2017 10:41

With respect, you are 17. Most teenage relationships don't last long term. You are SO young (in a positive way!).

Getoutofthatgarden · 29/06/2017 15:04

You've said you feel less stressed and you're enjoying your time more being single. There's your answer. You're only 17(a mature sounding 17), don't worry about this too much, everything will work out the way it should.

RebornSlippy · 29/06/2017 19:53

I'm sure this doesn't need to be said as you sound pretty clued in, OP. However, just in case, if you sleep together again, make sure you're using as much protection as is humanly possible. The very last thing you need is an unwanted pregnancy at this point. You wouldn't be the first or the last so make sure you mind yourself.

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