Is it me or my sister?

[CabbageLooking]

Sort of an AIBU but I'm a little delicate at the moment.

Background: Dsis (older) and I have never been particularly close although we have at various times provided each other with support. In recent years we live about half an hour apart and are busy with our own lives and families. If we weren't related I probably wouldn't choose her as a friend but we get on ok.

I am in the process of buying a house. It is a nightmare, everything keeps going wrong. I have stopped discussing it with friends and family because I can't bear it. We have put an offer in on a house which is a bit of a compromise and we told no-one but my Dad (who's a builder) about it as we wanted him to check over some of the walls, etc. Obviously, Dad told Mum, Mum told DSis. All of which is fair enough although I did want to keep it quiet-ish. We may not get it.

DSis has obviously then found the property on Right Move and contacted someone who lives in the area. They are now fully apprised of our situation as is, presumably, the vendor who DSis's friend clearly knows well.

I feel really quite angry. It was not for her to go off and find out about this, the sale is still being negotiated and I don't particularly want to arrive at this place already titled as "DSis's little sister". It feels like an intrusion.

The friend has provided some useful information and DSis did not do this for anything other than well meaning reasons but I'm still furious. I KNOW I'm over-reacting to some extent but I do still believe that she's in the wrong and I am actually having second thoughts about the house because of it. It feels like she has stamped her name all over something that was going to be mine.

Does this make any sense at all? And what, if anything do I say to her about it?

YABU.

She did it with the purpose of providing useful information that may assist in expediting a hellish process.

I can understand that it's always difficult when someone interferes with a private process without consulting you. That was a faux pas. But not a big one, and I wouldn't overreact.

Im in the process of enquiring about a house I want and I contacted someone I know in the area. Turns out she knows the vendor. For all I know my friend has blabbed all about me to the vendor. I don't particularly mind, my friends information was useful. If my sister had taken it upon herself to contact her instead I would have wished she'd have asked me first but I would simultaneously recognised the usefulness of the information and that would have swung the balance for me.

I can understand you feel a little strange about her doing this behind your back, and it is quote nosy of her to go and do her own research behind your back

That said, you are being a little unreasonable in the strength of your reaction. Rather than all guns blazing just tell her calmly that it made you feel uncomfortable but thank her for looking out for you.

Yeah DanielCraig I basically said it was a bit intrusive but thanks. I am a mess at the moment, hence posting. Guns rarely blaze in my house, it's more snide comments and meaningful glares.

But I am rather put out by the lack of message/email/phone saying "hey, what's going on with the house. Would you like me to ask my friend about it?" That would be normal right?

As a big sister, even now in our thirties, I have to fight the urge to baby my younger brother. He mainly just laughes at me now but in our teens it was a real problem and I've had to learn to curb my instincts.

So I think I understand your point but her's too. You know she did it with good motives but an honest comment of 'I feel a bit funny that you did that' would be fine. No snide comments! Just honesty.

When my Gran died, my grandfather found a collection of letters she wrote in the 1950s. The sibling dynamics between my Mum, aunt and uncle were as recognisable at 2, 7 and 9 as in their 50s and 60s. It can be really hard to break out of patterns.

And by the end of your first day, no-one will care who your sister is!

Thank you Onelastpage I think you get it! I won't make any snide comments or anything like that promise. And you are right, no-one will care particularly (although she forwarded me her friend's email and her friend sounds like she wants to adopt me into the neighbourhood gang which, frankly, I could do without).

I just wanted vindication that it wasn't purely the stress hormones talking!!

She's helping you! Don't be so precious.

Yes but I didn't ask her to, I didn't even tell her about this house (partly because she has a habit of sticking her oar in).