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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A year on - how to move on when I still see him

3 replies

littleme2017 · 27/06/2017 21:41

Firstly, apologies in advance if this is long and rambly.

I split with my fiance last summer after 8 years together. It was not an amicable break-up. Things had not been "ok" for a while but I thought it was just a phase and we would work it out, we'd got stuck in a bit of a rut.

He had became aggressive, lied a lot, quite controlling and drank heavily. Anytime I'd try to discuss our issues, he'd just brush them under the carpet and want to go out. It wasn't a healthy relationship.
During the course of the couple of months when things weren't ok, he admitted that he had cheated, albeit it was a while ago. I tried to forgive and move on but I just couldn't, the trust was gone.

We had our wedding booked for last summer also, that was supposed to be in the August. In the June, he moved back to his family home some 70-80 miles away. This was it for him, he claimed he was staying there and giving up work, and that I had forced him to move to my hometown in the first place. He didnt speak to me for several weeks, I took the decision to cancel the wedding in light of everything that happened I knew it wasn't right to go through with it. His family & my family were amazing at this point, tying up all the loose ends. He was livid with me for cancelling the wedding, stating that we could just "see how it goes on the day".

August/September - we met up twice to try & discuss things & the way forward. During this time, he showed a blatant refusal to discuss anything and seemingly, just wanted things to go back to the way they were. This was not ok and I took the decision to end the relationship, he didn't seem overly upset or surprised and just said "ok, I'll give you space"

Anyway...one year on..it appears he's back up in my hometown again, back at work, back in the house we had rented (I'm living with my parents). I see him several times a week on the bus (we're on the same route), around town and I purposely avoid coffee shops, bars, shops where I think I might run into him.

We've had no speaking contact and we have defriended and blocked on facebook etc.

But I still feel really restricted as to where I can go, what I can do, how to move on when I see him ALL the time. I know he has as much right to be here as I do. While I know, he probably wouldn't speak to me/approach me(which is fine), I still fear that he would.

How do I deal with this? How do I move on?

(Reading over this post, it makes me sound quite young I think...I'm 29 for reference).

OP posts:
thestamp · 28/06/2017 05:45

Oh op you poor thing. What an ordeal.

I do think you're going to need to take some control back. You need to stand your ground and have pride in yourself. You've nothing to be ashamed of - you can walk around with your head held high.

Go everywhere, in your mind start daring him to be places and just practice swanning in as if you own the place, everywhere. Come up with some power mantras and use them whenever you feel intimidated or worried that he'll be somewhere.

Whatever you do don't let his presence limit you a second longer. I know you feel horrible but if you don't take back control, you will.feel worse. Don't give him that power!

This is your home and it's where you belong. He's no right to take that from you.

cappy123 · 28/06/2017 06:41

Yep, do what you would do if he weren't back. Why should he disrupt your plans. So he was someone you dated for a long time? Moving on... Seriously though is it a place where you can move on. Are there opportunities to meet other people or is it really a small place. If small, would you be prepared to move on to broaden your horizons?

missmove38 · 28/06/2017 10:25

Sympathise as im in the same boat.
My ex and I split and it didn't go well..I ended up getting a restraining order on him due to the behaviour as couldn't cope.
He moved away but is now back..small town and I dread bumping into him. Just take 1 day at a time.

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