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Relationships

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Original poster

Don't know what to say, friend, her ex and affair

21 replies

Eggplantsundays · 27/06/2017 16:27

My very old friend got divorced, seemingly amicably, about 7 years ago. She was very hurt, the tale was that they had mutually decided but I think it was him that had called time. She had moved from here to his village when they got married, and stayed there after the divorce as the kids were settled and she had friends there,( and I think may have hoped that they might have got back together.)

She has since discovered that he was having a long affair with a mutually friend, as well as a few flings, and they are the ones she knows of. She's in an awful state, saying "everyone knew" and by the sounds of it, they did. I don't know what to say. I've never heard of anyone going through this, and I feel so helpless. Any advice please?

OP posts:

Materdolores · 27/06/2017 17:00

You can't really say much other than assure her that no one respects a man or a woman who has an affair behind their spouse's back. If they did know, they probably felt awful for her.

Original poster

Eggplantsundays · 27/06/2017 17:50

Thankyou. She is in an awful state, any civility with the ex has evaporated, she keeps saying she would have fought for more during the settlement, and that she doesn't know who to trust. And that everything she thought was true, was a lie. And she can't kind of "get back" at the ex as they're already over. The kids are in the middle of this too although I don't know what they know.

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Original poster

Eggplantsundays · 27/06/2017 17:51

She said that several people have said that they thought that she must have known, so he must have been pretty blatant about it. Bastard.

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BirdBandit · 27/06/2017 17:58

I guess you need to be there for her, let her get angry, process this horrible news.

I feel for her, one of the worst things about deceit/affairs is the thought that other people knew, but for whatever reason didn't tell. It hurts like hell, it feels like everyone is laughing at you, either colluding with the other person to fool you, or didn't value your feelings over rocking the boat. Or just loved the soap opera.

Her anger and upset is valid. Good luck!

Original poster

Eggplantsundays · 27/06/2017 18:17

She said exactly the same thing - everyone knew but they didn't want to rock the boat. They saw each other socially LOADS and had no idea it was going on. I'm so worried about her, she's running everything over that happened and all the suspicions etc and he lied to her face over and over. She's had some horrible, really personal details come out too.

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BirdBandit · 27/06/2017 19:09

I am sorry, I don't have any advice as to how to deal.

It is just shit. Everyone will post rationalise their decision not to tell, and to make themselves feel better paint her as the one who is over reacting.

She might want to just move away rather than "socialise" with folk who have done this. Horrible situation.

Original poster

Eggplantsundays · 27/06/2017 20:03

Absolutely. I've BEGGED her to move back but the children are settled etc. God I'm raging for her. As she said, every memory is tainted now. We all went on holiday together and he would have been seeing the OW then too, and I thought we all had a great time yet it was a lie. He's said to her it didn't matter really as it was just sex, and their sex life had gone to bits after a couple of non-sleeping kids. Like it's her fault. She says it's worse finding out all this now as if it had been at the time, she could have made him beg for forgiveness instead of his "so what" attitude now.

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Tazerface · 27/06/2017 20:13

Oh god that's awful. It's these circumstances that I never understand all those posters advocating not telling the soon to be wife (for example) when the OP finds out their new bloke is engaged or something.

All you can do OP is acknowledge her hurt, be her shoulder to cry on. The people that knew and didn't care enough to tell her - shitbags.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/06/2017 04:34

This is a shit situation to be sure, but I don't think your friend needs any more fuel added to the fire. Coddling her won't help. She needs to have an awakening that none of this matters anymore. They are long divorced, obviously for the better. Rehashing everything in hindsight is pointless, and casting blame to those not responsible for the ex-husband's behaviour will get her no where. There are some things in life we need to just let go, because they just don't matter anymore.

Isetan · 28/06/2017 09:15

Despite her divorce it doesn't sound like she moved on emotionally from the relationship and now knowing what a shit he is, she's having have to deal with the no going back and what there was, was based on a false reality.

She sounds understandably in a bad way and you should uggest very strongly that she seeks out a counsellor, you are not qualified to help her

Original poster

Eggplantsundays · 28/06/2017 10:07

Isetan I don't think she's moved on either. She has never so much as looked at another man since, and she's still only in her 30s. She's always been a bit of a hoarder but this has got a lot worse and another mutual friend said that she thought everything she was hoarding was from when the children were babies, because that's when she thought she was happiest.

I think she thought she was ok with everything but these revelations have turned everything upside down again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Eggplantsundays · 28/06/2017 10:12

Rehashing everything in hindsight is pointless, and casting blame to those not responsible for the ex-husband's behaviour will get her no where

She's not just furious with the test of an ex, it's also that it was right under her nose, to the extent that "everyone" thought she must have known. He admitted that he would shag the OW in their house when she was back home for the weekend and the neighbours all knew.

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maisyanddaisy · 28/06/2017 10:15

Excellent advice from aquamarine. She needs to focus on the future, and on maintaining as polite a relationship as possible with her ex for the kids' sake. She is angry and hurt, but dwelling on this will make things worse. The best thing you can do as a friend is to build her confidence up and help her to draw a line under this.

BastardGoDarkly · 28/06/2017 10:23

Why is he telling her all the details? Cruel bastard.

Original poster

Eggplantsundays · 28/06/2017 10:25

He didn't, another friend spilled the beans and he confirmed it all.

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Isetan · 28/06/2017 10:26

Your friend sounds she's stuck in the 'what might have been', it's been her comfort and It sounds like these newer revelations have shattered that safe space and now she's spinning out of control.

She really does need urgent professional help, she isn't equipped to deal with this or her other unresolved issues on her own.

BastardGoDarkly · 28/06/2017 10:45

Ah, I see, poor woman.

I think she should consider moving, even if the kids are settled, they're very adaptable, and it will be much harder for her to move on living there.

MADEinLONDON · 28/06/2017 11:02

Yes this is one instance where I would say that she needs to move and get out of dodge. Completely start over. I understand that the kids are settled (which makes it all the more harder) but they are adaptable and she will be no good to them if she's stuck in a horrible mindset living in a sullied house, surrounded by tainted memories and people she quite frankly can't trust an inch. Her mental health will fail if she doesn't so a brand new start is crucial: new house, new schools and most importantly new friends. Wipe the slate clean, re-invent. Sack her old life and pretty much everyone in it. She has been horribly betrayed so it's time to put herself first.

She doesn't need to move far -'maybe only a town or two away. Or perhaps if she's got a support network elsewhere in the country she could sort something out there? Her exH will have to suck it up and make sure he travels to/sees the kids regularly. (Obviously they still need their dad). If he kicks off then she should tell him it's happening or she will check herself into a rehab unit for months and he will have to deal with the kids and everything else. He caused this! Bet he backs off then... He sounds like a nasty piece if shit and I hope he gets what's coming to him.

Your poor friend. I hope she carves a wonderful new life out for herself.

nigelsbigface · 28/06/2017 14:48

I went through similar.
My stbexh and I were splitting up and just after he moved out I discovered he had been having an affair with my best friend for the previous year and a half.
We had socialised all three of us and as part of a wider group during that time.I had been comforting her through her own marital break up (without being aware of what was really driving it), we had been away with other families, they had spent time together with all our kids during school holidays etc, she had been advising me about stuff with my marriage (I now see to her own advantage). She had sat on night out with me messaging him and slating me whilst being a great friend to my face....Just a horrendous level of betrayal.A few of our mutual
Friends knew, and her husband (whom she begged not to tell me as 'it didn't mean anything' and 'maybe they could work through it'etc etc).
It was and still is a massive head fuck-I'm a year and half on.
I was very unwell for a while after I found out-anxious and depressed.I had just started a new job and I ended up losing that as I couldn't cope and that didn't help.

I too would suggest she move as far away as possible. I have to see the woman in my situation all the time (kids at same school, played for same sports team etc). I've developed massive anxiety issues around that. One because someone I loved and trusted as a friend could so horribly screw me over and two because we live in a small town and everyone knows-it's made me paranoid about what people say about it all and about me. If your friend feels like that the best thing to do is to get away if she can. I can't as the kids need to be near their dad, whatever I think of him he is still their Father-but I dearly wish I could move as far away as possible.I am
Hoping to move to the next town over at least pretty soon and I'm
Hoping that will help.

The other thing I would recommend is counselling and specifically CBT.I couldn't stop replaying conversations and situations over and over in my mind.The only thing that's allowed me to even start to get a handle on that is CBT. It's a very hard rut to get out of and it will take over her life if she doesn't get help.

for your friend op... and at least she has a good friend like you in her corner-she will need one.

BirdBandit · 28/06/2017 22:11

This whole "she needs to move on, it is in the past, coddling, not over the relationship" is wrong and unhelpful.

This is a fresh betrayal, regardless of when it happened. She thought that he fooled around, fooled her. Now she knows that EVERYONE, as far as she is concerned treated her as the fool. She has been massively betrayed by him and those she thought valued her.

Poor woman.

BirdBandit · 28/06/2017 22:13

Dwelling? What has to happen before her hurt and distress is deemed legitimate?

Surely this is big enough for folk to understand why she is so upset and angry.

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