Dad needs some advice

[Jacobsdad]

Hi - I need some advice please. Our ds is now nearly 9 months old and my relastionship with dw isnt going too well.

The main problem is that we get no time together at all and its having a real effect on both of us in different ways. Firstly its worth saying that ds is the best thing that has ever happened to me - I love him to bits and cant wait to get home from work each day to see him. The problem though is that I miss my wife. Ds takes up all of my wifes time, I have tried to help more but it has got to the point where she is the only one who seems able to feed him, resettle him etc and I end up being a bit of a spare part. On her side she says she feels alone with him but as much as I try to help im just not allowed.

A few weeks ago she suggested that once every 2 weeks her mum would have ds and we could go out for a couple of hous - I was over the moon with the suggestion but it never materialised and I dont want to force it.

Ds has never been the best sleeper and as a result dw is not keen on leaving him with anyone. An example is this weekend where we have friends coming to say for the night. It had been arranged that ds would stay with her mum for the night but as the last 2 nights have been bad she doesnt want that now and even though dw has suggested her mum will still babysit whilst we go out (which is great - dont get me wrong) its still not the time we need together - just us.

We use to say that when we had children we would always remember why we were together in the first place but now that seems to have gone and even though I understand why she feels she has to be there for ds all the time I do feel lost in my relationship.

Thanks for reading this...

will bump as gotta go out now, someone will be along in a minute

You sound like a brilliant dad and husband. I think it sounds like your wife just needs a bit more time to readjust to life as a mum. Tbh I wouldn't push her to leave your ds if she doesn't feel ready - that will just cause resentment. Me and dh don't get much time together alone but I find if we go out as a family I feel closer to him - just for long walks pushing the pushchair will give you and your dw time to talk to each other without ds interrupting as hopefully he will sleep.

Hi Lucy

I really don't want to push her and I take your advise on that. We do try to have days out at the weekends but it doesnt always work out. I usually end up doing DIY whilst she goes out so ds can sleep - not always by choice but its the "feeling like a spare part" thing again really.

Thanks for your reply.

Jacobsdad, your dw sounds like me. I wasnt ready to leave my ds until he was about 18 months and the one time I did I had a crap time.

I would definately raise the suggestion of her parent babysitting again though. I found the first year after a baby very hard and if I made a suggestion that dh didnt follow up on I would think he didnt really want to do it and sulk in silence. Of course your dw may not be like me at all, but crossed wires on these things can be damaging.

Could you do more things as a family, swimming, park etc so you dont have to stay at home doing jobs?

You sound very sweet and caring, I hope things get better over the next few months.

Thanks Kezza

Its funny you suggest swimming as i have tried this too. Dw is very aware of her body after having ds (although I think she looks great) but she wont go swimming and 'expose' herself just yet. I will kepp suggesting it.

We are going away over Easter (including her mum) so hopefully we will get a change to have some time together - alone, even if its for an hour or so. I just miss her and what we use to be like together. I know it will get better and im being impatient maybe. Fingers crossed!

Ah you sound so lovely, as a woman it is difficult too 9 months is a long time though you have lasted a long time in this situation. With the sleep situation, could she be using this as an excuse not to leave your dc? When I had mine I never wanted to leave her (and rarely did) I think you need to sit down and have a one to one chat with her or you will both suffer in the long run.

Try just taking things over a little, do a bit of house work or make the tea, do the shopping or whatever else you can think of to show her you are both equall. (not sure if you do this anyway and appologies if you do but it really will make her realise you are someone who she can rely to do things just the same as her) only going by the sisuation the other way around IYKWIM

Sorry the alone time will come when she feels less in Full control of everything - she can shed the workload & relax.

It is very reasy as a first time mum to fall into the trap of thinking you are the only one who can do things right for your baby. I remember feeling that I just didnt have the energy to think about dh as ds was all consuming. I dont know what the answer is but to somehow show her you can deal with ds as well as she can, and she can relax and be a wife as well as a mum sometimes. LOL easier said than done eh.

Does your ds go to bed at a regular time? What about having a meal together while he is asleep or watching a film?

Hi Hillary

I know what you mean and I really do want to sit down and have a really good chat about this. Dw is very caring and that shows in how she is with DS - hense why she very protective over him. I really dont mind that and have NEVER felt jealous so that has to be a good thing.

I do try to help in other ways - i mean I cook evey night but over and above that its hard to know what else to do and so when I suggest things for us to do it soulds a bit like im complaining.

This is such a difficult stage, i remember it well and do feel sympathy for both of you. For me, I would have really appreciated if dh had carved out some time or event with the kids regularly so I could have some space for me, and so I could see him building a real relationship with them. Swimming, walk in park, Tescos, whatever. That would have told me he loved both me and them, given me a chance to be 'unpawed' for a while, made me really appreciate him, and made me feel he deserved some of my time too.

Hang on in there

Hi Kezza

Ds does go to bed at the same time most nights and I cook the dinner so its ready when hes asleep. As I said earlier hes not the best sleeper and it often means the evening is broken if he wakes up. I know thats totally usual but it does put dw on edge a bit if hes having a bad evening. Maybe I will try insitsting i go to him.

I think you are doing well, my xp was the other way, couldn't care etc. You will probably find in a couple of months when your baby starts to toddle around and get her stressed out she will be handing over the reins. Just grab what you can when you can it won't last forever.

h. x

I know Hillary and your advice is very much appreciated - thank you.

Hi nowornever

Thanks for your reply - I think I will try and insist doing more to help - i mean take some of the jobs from her - take him shopping etc. Hopefully that would make her feel more confident that its not just her and that im still there if needs be. Will give it a go.

I would agree with everything here ? just be patient and continue doing what you?re doing. You?re a star for cooking every night after a full day?s work! It sounds like your wife is completely absorbed in the baby at the moment, which is totally normal, so she probably hasn?t really thought about what a great help your being, but that you need something back. It?s so hard to let go, I still have to stop myself telling dh he?s putting the nappy on wrong or whatever, and dd is nearly 2!!

One thing I would add is that your relationship is never going to be the same as before, so you may be looking for the impossible. We don?t have any friends or family living near us, and I?ve only really made one good friend since having dd, so going out is very rare for us. On my 30th bday last year, my friend babysat so we could go out for a meal ? pretty much all we talked about was dd, even when we tried not to!

One of our favourite treats (bearing in mind I?m back at work so dd is in nursery 3 days a week) is to take a day off work, stick dd in nursery as usual, and go to our nearest big town for the day ? spot of shopping, lunch and (biggest treat of all) go to the cinema! People always laugh when we get so excited (we don?t do it very often so it stays a treat), but to have a whole day to ourselves is wonderful, and funnily enough, picking dd up from nursery is the best part.

Sorry for the long ramble.

Hi Songbird

Thanks for the advice - I will certainly make an effort to get some daytime together. Going to the cinema would be great, we use to do that alot and always loved it. I know deep down that our relationship will never be as it was before ds but I also realise that in many ways it is and will continue to be better than before. I would say that my wife does appreciate me doing the cooking etc so I have no hang ups with her not recognising my help (although I certainly dont do it for recognition).

I know she will relax soon - I hope so anyway!

I'm not sure what to add to this but I wanted to try and help in some way.

You've had some really good advice so far, definitely agree with you taking ds alone at times and building your own relationship so that dw doesn't feel like she's the only one who can take full care of him.

Just wanted to say that one evening, perhaps when he's settled quite easily and you've made dinner, sit down at the table together (I always find this better than in front of the tv or where ther's distractions!), maybe open a bottle of wine, and explain to dw exactly how you feel.

I know you've got a new baby, you're both learning and adjusting, she's probably very typical of all new mums, but she also seems to be unaware of how upset you are and is perhaps taking you for granted?
(She probably won't even realise she's doing that!)

I know babies take over, but trust me, if you let your relationship go, it's you two that will suffer in the long run.

You sound like a great dad and husband and she's lucky to have you.

Don't expect too much too soon as I genuinely think she won't have realised how you really feel. Build it up slowly. An hour having a cuddle and chat while ds is with his grandparents or a trusted friend. A romantic meal. A picnic in the park during ds's nap time where you can cuddle up and talk about you! Good times you've had. Holiday memories. Funny occasions.
Don't bring everything back to baby talk (so tempting to do that I know!) - but try to remember that as well as being a 'family', you are still a couple.

Then as you both settle, you build relationship with ds, dw starts to remember why she loved you so much in the first place, you can look towards nights out, ds having overnight stays with people, even a weekend away!

Best of luck

great idea songbird

I wouldn't worry about reminding her about her parents looking after ds. It was her suggestion, after all! It is really hard and I felt for weeks after our ds was born that I didn't have a proper conversation with dh. He now goes down for the night at 19:30 and we generally have dinner afterwards at the kitchen table where there are no distractions, like the TV. I think that helps a lot as we have 30 minutes of one on one time. But we are lucky as we commute together so get time alone on the train as well.

BTW, ds is now fixated on dh and doesn't really seem to like me looking after him - which is a welcome break after 13 months of demanding my attention - so I know how you feel. You may find that your ds transfers his attentions in due course. If he does, remember how you feel now!

Back now jacobsdad. I'm so impressed you're on here talking about it, most men wouldn't, they'd probably go off sulking / drinking so your DW is a lucky woman. it's true a lot of women don't think that anyone else can look after their dc's and it is difficult, especially with the first one, but i completely agree that it is essential to have time together without dc. Baby steps though - the idea of MIL looking after ds for a couple of hours is great, once she realises that ds will be ok, she'll be fine. Beleive me, one day she'll be begging for it! Is there a special occasion coming up (eg birthday / anniversary) so that you could say maybe you'd like to take her out for lunch or something (close by, just in case)and 'how about your suggestion of your mum looking after ds for a couple of hours?'

Hello Jaconsdad, You've got some great advice here, I just wanted to seond alot of it. I too was very controlling around my DS, our 1st, which wasn't helped by the fact that I BF'ed till he was over 1. It meant we couldn't really go out much at all on our own. What I found was great was bringing in a routine asap for the bedtime - the whole bath/milk/bedtime, so that we were able to sit on the sofa together or take a bath together and just talk. Our DS didn't sleep through the night for a long time, till he was over 1, but that doesn't mean you can't go out to the local, or a restaurant, and be back by 11/12 - I am sure your MIL can mind your DS for a few hours, just enough time to relax for a while and talk about things other than babies. I love Songbirds idea of taking day off work, we do it now, once when we both were sick off work at the same time, DS was in creche and the revelation was just brilliant, so now we try to book a day off work togeather to do something relaxing. A good thing also is to go out togeather as a family, take a walk round teh park where you know DS will fall asleep and you can chat, you'll be surprised how togeather you feel doing little family things like that, just to get out of the house even. Hope all this advice everyone has given you helps, good luck with it all! PS You're doing a fab jobs by the sounds of it, your DW must be very proud of you.

Dear all

Thanks so much for all of your great support and advice. I know that this site is mainly for mums (hense the name!) but its really good to know that other people have felt what im feeling and especially as its from the 'other side' (opposite sex). Its quite an insight to hear what my wife may be thinking!!!! Can you all tell me more lol! Firstly, why doesnt she like Top Gear??? No seriously, thanks alot for all your advice this morning, it really is a help and I will try and introduce some of your suggestions and hope that it will get a bit better. One thing I do know is that I will look back on this time and think it was easy - well at least I hope I do!

LOL when your ds is staying put all night aged 14, and you and dw are arguing about his latest unsuitable girlfriend all of this will seem like nothing. Well thats what people tell me anyway

I love Top Gear