Don't know if I want to be married anymore

[wobblywonderwoman]

Desperately sad. Two very small DC. We don't get that much time together. I have been crying this morning and dh hasn't asked why. He is a bit aloof and happy all the time.
Dc are throwing temper tantrums and one of then hit me and he did nothing. If I book something he will go but he never instigates anything. I actually walked out of a restaurant and left him with the two DC as I am actually shaking and feeling unwell.

Really don't know what to do. Feel awful for leaving the restaurant and I am now starving but I deserve it.

You've had a moment of realisation. For me it was desperately scary as I didn't want to feel that way, but you can't run away from it.

the only answer is to sit down with your DH and talk. He needs to know how you feel and it sounds like he may be feeling the same. It doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is over, but it's certainly in difficulty.

Hitting a rock bottom moment like this isn't necessarily bad (though I'm sure it feels it - and for that I hope you are ok). As the PP said - you two need to find some time alone to really talk. You can't say for sure what that talk will bring up and where it'll take you - but not talking is always worse, and leaves you stuck. Talking enables you to move on. Good luck

The others have given you good advice. You need to sit down with your DH and talk this through. It sounds like you're in a rut and he has become disengaged. It sounds also like you might be unwell, perhaps due to the bad situation you're in or due to some other factors.

This will get better but it'll take some work.

Thanks Twitter. What did you do? I don't want to just end it if it can be salvaged. I just want to feel attractive and appreciated again. I would need to move away and that wouldn't be easy.

I have never done anything like walk out of a restaurant in my life but I feel I do all the discipline and if he is around DC play up and he is very nice and pleasant but they get away with a lot.

His mother is a people pleaser and allowed herself to be treated like a second class citizen all her life so that is the norm in his family.

Yes I do feel a bit unwell in myself. I was on anti depressants (mild) when dc2 was a baby but I didn't like being on them. The feelings are coming back. I have a lot of stress in my job and have a difficult relationship with my family and feel isolated since having DC. That is not dh fault and I know that. He is a very decent person.

It sounds like there's a lot going on and you need some help. Can you go to the GP? Perhaps see about getting signed off for a while, or going on anti-depressants again?

Your DH definitely needs to step up, fast. But for now, you must not make any big decisions. Give yourself some time.

Thank You Sparrow. I have annual leave for a few weeks so things are OK like that. I am not going to do anything hasty, I have friends who have gone through marriage break ups and the grass isn't always greener and leaves it very hard for the DC. Also I have isolated myself from and good support networks so I don't know who I could turn to. I am going to start looking after myself health wise and try and get some time to myself and see what I actually want from my life.. That isn't that clear to me at the moment

It doesn't have to be clear to you. It can be murky for a while, that's fine. It will become clearer when you start to feel less stressed and panicky.

Why have you isolated yourself from your support networks?

Things are very poor with my DM who gas done nothing but criticise me my whole life. I just lost touch with a lot of people when I moved away and others I wouldnt want to know (very close knit area I live in)

Would you (and he) consider relationship counselling?

It seems a bit like in the moment of high emotion you've gone from 0-10 (10 being divorce) and there are many steps in between to try out first. A natural response, but extreme.

Having two young kids puts an enormous amount of pressure on a relationship. Enormous.

Normally I cope fine with the two DC on my own. They behave very well for me and I am mostly on my own with them (though he works weekends and has them mid week so he copes fine too)

I suppose I look forward to family time when we do get it (rarely) and two screaming dcs throwing tantrums and DC giving out about the price of food in restaurants doesn't make for much fun :(

Remember you can always call the Samaritans on 116 123, any time. They are really really helpful.

Where are you at the moment?

You're stressed, you're anxious and you may be suffering from some mild depression too. Of course you feel crap. You need to be kind and gentle with yourself and look at this as the beginning of a change.

No-one can know where you will end up - it may be together, with a stronger marriage, or it may not be. What matters is that you find best place for YOU. Because when you are strong and certain of your choices you will find that you can cope with anything.

Thanks so much. I don't know what I would do without mn! I'm still crying but I know something must change. Dh is back with me now. Dc are still cranky (one asleep) and he has taken the other for a walk to give me a chance to get a bit to eat. He didn't mention the fact I was crying and he won't. I don't think I can stay with someone like that. I may as well be on my own and happy.

Chances are because your mother is so critical, you've accepted poor treatment from your husband up to this point. But now your survival instinct is kicking in and saying no more. That's a good thing. Things will work out, but you have to take it slowly.

He is good - hardworking etc.. When we first married he spent a lot of weekends at home or on hobbies and that was OK but when DC came along I nearly walked out - that was five years ago. All has been OK since. Not great. Ok. We are both hardworking and do right by the DC. I just am so tired. So tired.

I would love a bit of fun again. A bit cared for. Maybe a bit of affection once in a whole. We haven't DTD in a month i wold say. That's not right either. Dh would say it is my fault but I am just so fed up of if all o don't feel like it.

Sounds like you are just at the end of your tether with tiredness OP, are you working in education?.He may well not know what to do when you cry, just thinking you will get over it like you have many times before. Especially as you say his Mum is a martyr. Get some time alone and be really frank about all the good and bad things in your relationship. It sounds tough, him working weekends. You may start to feel better after a bit of time off work. You sound exhausted!

I think he thinks he stays out of trouble if he says nothing. Yes I work with disadvantaged children. But he hasn't come to see if I am OK. I don't want attention and am not an attention seeking person. I actually paddle my own canoe most of the time. I just can't believe he isn't donig anything. He let DC slap me and sat there aloofly. I took DC put of the restaurant and led to a massive tantrum and I think he thinks it was me who was out of order.

Update. Today was a right off. Dh also thinks he did nothing wrong and DC are young and it is normal for them to be hard at this age.

Anyway my hurt and anger has simmered but I am not being a walkover anymore. I am putting my own needs (obviously dcs needs are first) before secondary things (housework can wait.. Donner won't always be homemade or might be pasta and pesto)

Dh knows I am angry. I calmly said to him I am not tolerating being taken for a fool by anyone.

DC are only small but they kept asking why didn't I eat my dinner. I am still hungry as only had toast since 9am but I don't care.