I've turned into a crazy woman. :/

[DancingGoose]

I'm in need of some straight talking.

Background: Came out of a fantastic supportive relationship with a lovely man about a month ago. We live in different countries and after a lot of soul searching, we just haven't been able to find a way to be together which feels right for both of us. It's been devastating, he was my best friend in every way.

2 weeks ago: Went on Tinder as a distraction (hollow laugh). Ended up meeting a man. He seemed keen to get to know each other, (although in retrospect there were red flags). We spent 2 nice evenings and a day together (DTD) after which he cold shouldered me. I tried to be cool about it but have failed miserably and and have since turned into some awful desperate stalkery batshit crazy woman who won't leave him alone and it's getting worse. I actually can't bear myself, the whole thing has exploded inside me and I feel emotionally out of control. I don't know how to stop trying to contact him. I don't trust myself to stop now because I've tried over and over again and keep giving in.

I can blame him a bit for the usual lovebombing and then ignoring me after spending such a nice time together, but I'm not in control of myself and I need to get a grip. He's in my head 24/7.

I blocked him over the weekend to try and get some space but he messaged me from
another number to ask had i blocked him? Gave me a shock and ruined the no contact thing as I just felt back to square one. Then today I was full of resolutions to just leave it but unblocked him and sent him an apology for blocking him he hasn't read it although he's been online. God I hate myself right now. Please help me find a way to stop and stick to it.

Hopefully I won't hear from him again now. Yesterday I apologised for blocking him saying i had needed some headspace, and asked if we could call a truce (I know I know I know 😑)

He hasn't replied so maybe that's the end of it.

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds as though some of the pain you feel about the end of your relationship has got transferred onto your connection with this guy. Trust me when I say that, in a few months, you'll look at him and wonder what the hell you saw in him. Because none of this is REALLY about him - it's about grief at the loss of someone else.

Bear in mind that the loss of a relationship can involve the same stages of grief as more serious losses, albeit in a milder form. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression can all be mixed up in it.

I suggest you delete this guy, and Tinder, from your phone and focus very proactively on keeping yourself busy and single. Take up classes, see friends, fill your time - do NOT go on dates for a bit. It might also be useful to see a counsellor for just a few sessions to talk through your feelings about this longer term relationship being over. You will absolutely come out of this stronger and more able to judge what's right for you. But right now, you can't see the wood for the trees because you're in a maelstrom of emotions. You need to be gentle to yourself and take it easy.

Delete his number. Do not reply to any number you don't have stored in your phone and move on.

Also: look up negging. What he's doing to you is essentially negging. Understanding how it works will help break the spell.

That's what he wants: the game. And he'll make sure he wins if you engage.
The way for you to win is to ignore, ignore, ignore. He'll be really annoyed - whoop - but soon move on to another poor sucker. In fact he's probably spinning a few women like plates right now.

Thank you so much everyone. Being able to talk about this openly is really helping.

negging

This article explains the neuroscience behind what you are feeling.

Key thing is not to be ashamed. These are normal, natural reactions. You're not a 'crazy woman', and there are more important emotional things to worry about than whether you've humiliated yourself in front of a cockwomble.

Yeah, I think the shame is holding me in it as I want a chance to create a different ending - one where I am not the loser! If that makes sense?

But you aren't 'the loser'. You don't want or need a relationship at this time, so you have what's right for you.

I think you need to readjust your focus. The proper relationship that you did have and its ending is probably what's under your emotional angst.

As someone said, go lovebomb yourself. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to deal with the important picture.

But can't you see - by creating a different ending, you're accepting his right to judge you, and your behaviour? Which is exactly the dynamic he has set up with this negging behaviour. If you walk away, you actually prove that you can't be controlled by him. Who care what he thinks? He's clearly a tosser.

I am way too concerned about what he thinks of me, aren't I?

Yes. But most people tend to get like that when they've had a rough breakup. A knock to your self-esteem, then meeting a guy who deliberately withholds esteem to make you desire it is a toxic combination that many women have been through! Don't feel bad, but now you recognise more what's going on, it will hopefully be easier to let him rot in his pathetic corner of Tinder, while you heal and go on being awesome

There are no winners in this situation. You need to accept that you can't win and stop playing the game.

If he contacts you again block that number as well. You were so close until he drew you back in.

Stay strong

Oh DancingGoose I've been there! The first time I met him I wasn't even that sure he was my type but then he kissed me at the end of the night and wow...what a kiss! Ended up having a couple more dates, he was pretty to look at but we just didn't click. Still I let myself be swayed by the pretty and DTD...several times...he then began to pull away and I chased, and chased and chased. I acted like a woman possessed. I honestly think part of it was a pride thing, I didn't want a guy I wasn't overly fussed about to be the one to end it. These days I just laugh at how ridiculous I was.

Don't be too hard on yourself, but now you've realised what's happening you need to go cold turkey. Take some time for yourself, catch up with friends and before you know it you'll be wondering what the fuss was about.