Sick of feeling like a slave!!

[NewbieM14280]

hi everyone im new to mumsnet but friend told me about this site. I honestly dont know where to start but im honestly sick to death of constant cleaning, washing, cooking, shopping, running about after my husband!!!! I admit im a control freak when it comes to how i ike my house constantly clean and i do Slimming World so have to cook things certain ways. I love him very much and he works long hours and i run my own business 3/4 days a week but he doesnt do a thing in the house. We have a son who i dont want growing up to be a man who thinks the wife does everything! I appreciate my hubby is exhausted but i am bloody shattered with doing absolute everything, i manage my own business, keep fit 3 to 4 times a week(to keep sane) do all the finacial household bills and control the money(hubbys choice). He never surprises me with anything or says thanks and i once in a blue moon get my tea made. But surprise surprise iv to jump on him every night with no affection all day? I feel like i could happily never have sex again i feel awful but i dread going to bed as i dont want sex it feels like a another chore i have to do to please my hubby. I literally just want some affection or a cuddle just to feel appreciated. Im writing this in tears of anger as i dont want to tell any friends or hubby of who i feel. I feel like screaming at him IM A HUMAN NOT A BLOODY SLAVE!!!!

I hear you and of course you're not a slave, but it is all about communication and you will have to talk to him about the situation or you'll be driven into the ground.

When you say he doesn't do anything, is it that he thinks there's a house elf that fills the fridge, washed his socks etc, or does he actively refuse? If everything is done for him, why should he lift a finger? He sees a pristinely clean home - great.

If he thinks there's a house elf - time to tell him to step up. You will probably have to keep asking him to do things, which is a pain, as you still have to think about it, but its a start. And things may not be done to 'your standard' - let it ride and do not whatever you do re-do the task - ever!
Same with your son; you don't mention his age - but get him doing age appropriate chores as well.

If your DH is refusing, well then you will need to decide how far you want to take it - can you 'live' with it/ drop your standards / get a cleaner/ go on strike / kick him out?

Whatever you do - stop having sex if you don't want it. Tell him you find men wearing yellow marigolds, doing the washing up very sexy. I know this contradicts what I just, just trying to inject a bit of humour.

Thank you! He doesnt refuse wev went over this time and time again but he says hes just exhausted from work and all the long commute to work (he does all the driving) so i feel guilty for moaning its a catch 22!

Have you considered swapping roles?

I believe when PP said communication, it's not meant for you to moan or tell him about what you're going through but rather sit down with him and discuss on a way forward together. Come up with a plan.

Can you say 'I'm exhausted too' and just flop down next to him? When there's no cooked meals, no clean laundry and he can't find anything, he may start to see how much you do. At the moment everything is done, why should he lift a finger - you have to make him feel consequences. And one of those is 'I'm too tired' when he wants sex. Just try it.

I like Zaphod's approach

If he's too exhausted for housework, he's too exhausted for sex.

If he's too exhausted for housework, he's too exhausted for sex

This

He's coping out OP, too exhausted after work, what if he lived alone, would he just sit and starve to death then.

Honestly until you actually knock him of his pedestal then nothing will change, he thinks he's far more important than you and yeah pretty much thinks you are there to serve, what a fucked up way to see your partner, sorry but unless you actually draw up a rota and insist he sticks to it he will continue to use you.

And no, I'd not be jumping on him at all, in fact I'd not touch him for being such a pig.

Lol my exh was like that! Hence ex ..

You need to talk to your husband but please do nt use sex as a negotiating tool. It sounds like your husband should do more but You might get want to consider whether your standards are too high.

Something stood out for me.
You said you are a control freak and you have certain standards.

If he was to do cleaning, would you mention it wasn't too your standards?
You've said the cooking you normally do because you cook a certain way. So if he was to cook would you mention it isn't too your standards?
You control the money, yet mentions he doesn't buy you anything. If he was to ask for money would you not ask what for then leading to the surprise being ruined.

Oops posted a bit to soon.

I lived like this with my parents more so my mum.
Her standards still are crazily high.
If my dad or me and siblings attempted anything it was shot down with it wasn't good enough or her stomping around huffing. So we stopped helping. We then got greeted with we do nothing and we are lazy.

It was like constantly walking on egg shells and it isn't a nice way too live.

Well he can't be as exhausted as you, as he's still up for sex.

Talk to him. Draw up a rota of jobs and tell him to crack on.