Struggling to prioritise my boyfriend

[FlipperyFrippery]

I have been going out with my bf for a year, I also have a young son, a house that needs work, a challenging job, and a DCat!

Between all of these things I'm rarely able to stay the night at his, and often feel like I'm struggling to keep on top of my life, let alone fit in with his more carefree lifestyle (no kids, mortgage or pets).

It's recently come to a bit of a head where my friend of 15 years has wanted to go to a festival. She lost her husband to cancer last year, and wanted to do something fun. He's a bit upset I haven't invited him to join us. Not really sulking, but just a bit quiet and has mentioned that he feeling a bit down about us not going together.

I do understand why he's sad, it must feel that he's constantly up against competition for my time and affection. And again, I've put others first. That said we have had a holiday just the two of us recently, but it worried me that when I spoke about missing my son (not constantly!!) he made little jokes about not being "enough".

I suppose this is part AIBU, but also, how do other people make their partner feel special when life is closing in on all sides? I suspect if I was in his position I'd be struggling to feel valued too. I just feel a bit too exhausted to fix it! :/

He sounds childish, sorry. Or at best you sound ill matched.

My bf would never in a million years make comments that he isn't "enough" when I miss my DC. In fact I've already told him I won't go away with him for more than 4 or 5 nights running because it's too long away from DC. Because they are my DC! Of course they are more important than him/ will take my primary focus??

Does your bf not have any friends of his own?

I wouldn't be happy with a man who intimated that he ought to be invited to every event I attend...

Sure there are men who are that needy but they aren't the sort I'd invest my time in.

Yes, he has lots of friends. I have suggested he comes to the festival with them.

Our personalities and interests seem really well matched. Our lifestyles not so much.

Yeah he does sound quite needy. He doesn't understand you have different priorities than him.

Have you spoken to him about this ?

your ds will always be your priority. Your partner will never be "enough".

Maybe once he makes peace with that and shows an interest in being part of your life rather than you having to fit him in, it can carry on as a great relationship

I think you need to go your separate ways. It's for reasons like you mention why I'd never date someone without children. They just don't get it.

Bin him off, it'll only get worse

I completely understand OP. His 'not enough comment' is just frustration at wanting to spend more time with you. He may also not understand the parent child tie if he is childless - iIt doesn't mean he is some controlling potential abuser that has no other friends... sometimes it seems posters on MN want to see red flags everywhere and hate the idea of any woman having a relationship with anyone who doesn't behave perfectly at all times.

Is he in all other ways kind and thoughtful towards you. Does he treat you with respect and enhance the quality of your life ? If yes - and your DS likes him (has met him) and you feel ready, then perhaps living together would make you feel less like splitting yourself in two.

When I started seeing my now DH, I found 'dating' really really hard work and incredibly difficult to fit in to my life with a f/t job, 3 children under 10 a house, elderly parents and a (small) social life. It seemed like 'going to see' partner was just one too many things to fit in despite loving him to bits. There just wasn't enough me to go round. Him moving in just lightened that load. He was there, I could do all the other stuff AND spend time with both dc and partner. Only you will know if this is the right time for you and your child to make this move.

He doesn't get it. He may see your life but he has no real emotional comprehension of it.

And he certainly shouldn't be going a bit quiet if you've just come back from holiday together. That's unattractive. Even if you had no child and no cat and no responsibilities, you should always be able to go to a festival with your bestie!

I think it can be really tough being in a relationship with someone who has kids, when you don't have them yourself. You don't get that bond/love/need to be there for them because you've never experienced it.

My ex had children and I didn't and it was really bloody hard sometimes. I certainly wouldn't consider it again (unless perhaps I had children of my own to focus on).

I don't think he's being needy. He just doesn't understand your life - and that's totally okay. Most people don't understand having children until they're in that position themselves. Dating a single parent can be tough even when you do have kids, but I think it's often much harder when you don't.

Sorry OP I don't have much advice, just trying to show it from the childless person's POV. I hope things work out whatever happens

You say you're "rarely able to stay the night at his" but does he spend the night at yours?
How often do you see each other?

Thanks kittens, I agree he's not needy, It's just hard as we only hang out one or two nights a week, and rarely get a weekend to ourselves. His life is just so different to mine I don't think he really understands.

Thanks for the PoV Caffeine, I'm inclined to agree, I don't think I would have felt all that different at his stage of life. He doesn't understand the almost physical pulling sensation I feel when I have been away from DS for a while. I've tried to explain, but I don't think he gets it's not a kind of love he can compete against- it's too primal.

But yes, he is kind, funny and gets on great with DS, but I have resisted against offering him to move in as I don't want to rush things forward. I want to know that DS feels stable, and his dad has started introducing his GF, so wanted a bit of calm!

However it's good to know that others have found it a similar struggle dating with young kids, and that it can get easier.

I guess I need to have a serious chat about if he's feeling insecure and if he can actually cope with a relationship where we will have little time exclusively to ourselves, and he will need to bend more to fit my lifestyle than me his, due to necessity.

How often do you get to see him, OP? You say you rarely get to spend the night at his, which is understandable, but does he ever stay at yours or just come over for dinner/a movie once DS is in bed?

Could you maybe ringfence one evening / night a week and make that all about you as a couple? For example every Wednesday you both cook a nice meal together and spend the night at his place, no rescheduling except in genuine emergencies.
The other thing I can think of is just regularly being in touch to say 'I'm thinking of you' or having a little chat apropos nothing.
I actually don't think your DP sounds particularly needy. It's hard if you're in love with someone and want to see them all the time, but can't.

Some strange responses here op.

I don't think he sounds needy at all.

Myheart, it wouldn't be mumsnet without a few LTB! I'm not planning on it...

I tend to stay at his one night a week, he tends not to stay at mine when my son is staying. He's really not needy, he's always taken himself home after a day with DS so we can have time together in the evening. I guess it's just not a lot of time together. And it's when I want to do extras just with friends it means even less time.

It's tough, I guess he just needs to hang in there until we are ready to move in together. I also think it's worth checking he's coping with sharing me so much. Weekends that are childfree he will stay over at mine, but I guess it must hurt when I'm choosing to see friends and not him on some of those.

Whoever suggested a dedicated night, I think that sounds like a good plan, it kind of works that way now, but generally flexes around general plans. TBH, this thread has helped me realise it's a conversation about his needs being met. I don't think they are extreme, just difficult to manage with so much else going on in my life.

Its a tricky one, your time is clearly at a premium and with the festival you are choosing a friend rather than him as the person you want to spend time with. I understand why and it seems so does too he but its totally understandable that he would be disappointed.

Not having children it will be awfully hard for him to appreciate how much you miss your DS when away from him but does he feels that you aren't really able to enjoy the time away together as a result?

Maybe he could start staying over while DS is there? I think that's a fairly reasonable expectation when you've been together a year, and it's not like he doesn't know your DS as you've already said you go on days out together.

I don't think one night a week is much at all. I know you have a young child but can he not come over once DS is in bed, even if he doesn't stay over? I think it's understandable that he wants more after a year-long relationship.

I think this will fizzle out on its own.

Relationships take time and effort to get off the ground and into the commitment phase. If you can't fit that in, it's not the right time for you. I think he'll realise that soon enough.

your son will never be a priority in your boyfriend's life, by the sounds of things.

Some damning responses there... Mickey, why wouldn't he be a priority? He's been really flexible in giving my DS space and yet still doing family days out. Seems a big statement.

TheStoic, I realise relationships take time and effort. I'm at a loss to know what I can drop... surely being a working single mother shouldn't mean that I'm not able to have a relationship.

I think the suggestions of how to increase the quality and regularity of our time together are good ones. And see if he can increase time at mine so I can still meet all my other commitments, and also make time for my friends who have been there longer than any of my relationships

Or I can just shrug my shoulders, say it's a bit tough and LTB....

So, imagine he has moved in. Youve both had a long day and plan to snuggle up on the sofa but then your DS keeps calling from upstairs because he wants a drink/ had a nightmare/ doesnt want to go to sleep and you have to keep getting up to see to him, how will your BF react to losing so much of the attention from you he was expecting?

If he cant accept that your attention will always be split between him and your son with good grace and understanding, youre in for power struggles later on between the two of them.

Good luck OP.

I don't think it's going to be easy for either of you. He'll never understand the pull of having children until he has his own, or the stresses of being a single, working parent. But equally, he's allowed to be struggling too. He's in a relationship where he's never going to be your top priority (that's not a criticism, it happens when you have kids) and that has to be quite hard. He has all this time and energy to give to you, but you don't have the same in return.

Compromise is needed on both sides, I think :)

Some pretty sweeping statements here from people about how understanding a potential step-parent won't be. ! Give the guy a chance. If he is showing signs of low tolerance towards the child then I think you have a point but he isn't. It's simply that there is not enough OP to go round !
To my mind it's simple time planning. If you aren't ready for the full moving in together then what about a formal agreement for him to stay over say twice a week. See how he gets on with DS .. and you and the whole live together idea. Only part time ?
Would that be a solution. You could sell it as 'getting to know DS at home' whilst in fact checking out how he copes with a view to making it full time or deciding it's not for you.

I think your DP seems very understanding of your situation. I'm 8 months in with my DP and he has DC, I don't. It is really tough sometimes knowing you're not number one priority but it sounds like he's doing well. I haven't met DC which really restricts our time together. It's hard and sometimes I wonder if it's for me but he's a lovely guy so I'm a bit torn atm. Can I ask how soon he met your DS? I'm at the point where I'm thinking I would like to meet DC but not sure DP is quite there yet so I'm happy to wait. Also he has a lot going on with his ex so probably not the right time just now. So I empathise with your DP.

I'm at a loss to know what I can drop... surely being a working single mother shouldn't mean that I'm not able to have a relationship

Sometimes that's exactly what it means. Especially if the other person wants more from you, and you're at a loss to know what you can juggle to make it happen.

I think because he is somewhat kept at arms length he values the time together with you than you might think. As he is in one silo, separated from relaxed, day-to-day things then he does become a bit of an afterthought.

I think that he would not want more exclusive time with you if he had more relaxed time with you. What I mean by that is just staying over at yours, nothing special planned but a movie or something but together time where its ok you have split priorities as you can deal with your child and then come and relax again with him. That will also give you a chance to integrate him into other aspects of your life like going out as a couple to see your friends etc.