How bad is my mum?

[Mymumsanighthorse]

Short version - my dm is very lovely but also incredibly entitled and often rude. Dh has said he will not tolerate being in the same room as her anymore. Is he over reacting?

Long version - My dm is my closest friend. I will admit she's an absolute fucking nightmare but she's also one of the funniest, cleverest, most generous people I know. Dh has said for several years how embarrassing he finds her behaviour but to be honest I've just kind of laughed it off. I find her behaviour embarrassing too, but she lives hundreds of miles away and most of her antics are heard about second hand and we're not witness to them.

She recently came to stay and was very kindly babysitting dc's so dh and I could have a night away. She decided it would be fun to camp with them in the field at the bottom of our garden. We don't own the field and have a large garden that is perfectly fine to camp in. She then got in a massive argument with the farmer (who is also a chair of ds's school), at 5 in the morning when he dared to try and move his sheep into his own field. When we got home the following morning she told us what happened, I begged her to go and apologise to farmer as I see him regularly and it's fucking embarrassing. She refused and refused to acknowledge she did anything wrong at all.

Dh is now saying he doesn't want to ever have to be in the same room as her again. He says he's put up with her craziness for far too long and wants nothing more to do with her.

I obviously can't force him to spend time with her but she'd be massively hurt if I told her that dh won't see her anymore. But I'll have to won't I?

There are far too many examples of her behaviour over the years for me to list all of them but I do read MN expecting AIBU to be mostly about my dm. One example would be her steadfast believe that her National Trust membership entitles her to access NT properties whenever she likes. I remember plenty of childhood picnics ending in being chased off someone's front lawn. She also writes incredibly long letters to the Guardian, probably 3-4 a week for reasons she has never fully disclosed. She is also incredibly competitive - she turns up at random school sports days and races round the outside of the track (she used to do this at my school sports days too).

How bad would you say she was based on that? Bad bad or just a bit 'eccentric'?

Sounds an attention seeking fucking nightmare. Absolutely self centered but masking it under her ' eccentricity' what's crazy cool about being such a twat to the farmer?

Bit harsh to call DH "staid and boring" when we know literally nothing about him other than his attitude towards OP's mother, who sounds thoroughly exhausting.

Mmmmm, my mil is a bit like this but not as bad, we humour her. I think she plays on her eccentricity though. She is also a lovely generous, kind woman.

She isn't as bad as your mother though, she would camp in the field knowing she shouldn't but would apologise profusely if caught.

Hhmn. What is your mother like towards your DH? What is it like when she comes to visit?
Is she disruptive, does she undermine either of you with the DCs, etc?

If it were just a case of the odd flamboyant whim like camping in the field, then while I would be very annoyed by that, I'd say your DH was being a bit unfair. However, if your mother is generally disruptive, unpredictable or what have you, I'd say that probably you need to be more aware and understanding of the impact on your DH and DC, and act accordingly.

The camping incident wasn't that bad. She shouldn't have done it and is obvs slightly nuts. But it was adventurous of her to camp with the kids and the farmer would have been a bit mean to make them vacate at 5 a.m., the sheep are not going to demolish a tent and they were neighbours. The letters to the Guardian and school sports weirdness shouldn't concern your DH, who sounds a bit staid.

To me she sounds like the kind of person who is fun to be around, but then can't cope with the consequences of her own behaviour when she does something without really thinking.
Someone I'd only want to be around in small doses. Have you and your dh regularly found yourself having to apologise or pick up the pieces after something your mother has done? I can imagine it gets very waring after a while.

It's hard to deal with as I don't think she's behaving maliciously, just not really thinking anything through and can't see that she's sometimes in the wrong.

Some of what you describe sounds like fun but the running around the sports track at a random school - that sounds like she is mentally ill. I'm surprised she hasn't been carted off.....
Seriously though, you need to tell her how she is making your DH feel and that he is saying you can't visit anymore. Maybe if you're straight with her, she will tone it down?

Theres a difference between "a bit crazy, lets have a laugh just for the hell of it!" and "genuinely does not understand where acceptable behaviour boundaries are". She could have camped in your garden but decided to trespass and now doesnt see any reason to even apologise.

She sounds like a toddler to be honest, I would stop finding her amusing fairly quickly - I assume you will now have to apologise to the farmer?

Without the farmer thing I'd find her batshit behaviour hilarious (but I'm childish😂)